Conceptions on conception

Trying to get pregnant is weird. Trying to get pregnant is hard for us, though no big deal for others. And I'm not just talking about the cast of 16 & Pregnant. And to be clear, it's even harder, and sometimes impossible, for others (which breaks my heart). But trying to get pregnant with the help of using drugs is even weirder than normal. To me, it seems much more possible. As in a higher likelihood of success.  It is so specific, so strategic, so structured. There is less confusion and what-ifs and maybes.

For those of you who have never been pregnant, or don't know the specifics, a human woman is pregnant for 40 weeks, which is 280 days, or about 9 months and 10 days. But actually you get two free weeks. The moment you conceive you are actually already 2 weeks, because they are counting from the beginning of your last cycle, which is roughly 14 days before. All this to say that this month, when I "started" (thanks to the drugs), I wondered if this was week one? And this weekend when I ovulate (which I know because other drugs make it so), I will wonder if I am "two weeks" pregnant. So much different than any other month we have tried and certainly different than with Carter. 

I have mixed emotions about using the drugs. My heart aches for another baby. I have a visceral response every time I hear someone else is pregnant. It's very foolish because I already have the best baby, but still I am anxious to have another little person growing inside and to make Carter a big brother. Will I be upset if this round of clomid doesn't work? Yes, but more so out of fear that it never will work, rather than my timeline being messed up. We are actually starting to try earlier than I anticipated (by 3 or 4 months, not significantly), because I fear that having Carter was a fluke, and I'd rather start early and then find out something is wrong. According to the doctor my blood work looks "normal", but that also means that there is no diagnosis for my issues and therefore no clear solution. She is optimistic that this will take care of us and I am too. I am still very prayerful about giving up all my fear & anxiety in this situation to God. I still wonder if we are rushing God's good and perfect will for us. It is hard to know if we should go eau naturale and trust that he will bless us with a surprise like Carter, or if we are to use the drugs to see his plans through. I do feel certain that God made me (above all other jobs he gave me), to be the momma of many loud, sweet, crazy, God-loving children, and that we will do whatever it takes to make that so, whether that be drugs or procedures or adoption.

This is a rambling post that won't be shared for many moons (aka 10-11 weeks minimum), but I wanted to get my thoughts done while I had them, and not try to remember this later!

Next: 2WW

Sleep struggles & successes!

I am fascinated by this enigma we call "infant sleep". (In quotes because some do very little of it.) Any parent will tell you that to "sleep like a baby" sounds awful. Though I guess when they do sleep, they crash, hard. We've been lucky overall, Carter slept through the night since at 10 weeks. And I mean 7 or more hours, not this 5+ business. That was about 6 weeks in. But that was luck & not any theory in action. Of course, he had to be held to sleep for the first 8 or 9 weeks. A 15 minute nap in the swing or a 1.5 hour nap on mom's chest? You can guess what we went with! But we slowly transitioned him to the pack & play bassinet next to our bed, and then to his crib across the hall at around 5 months. And he did great, until we moved...

All the variables kill me. Was it:  the change in scenery? The developmental stage? The head cold he got? The onset of separation anxiety? Going to sleep too late? Too early? Too much napping during the day? Too little? The pajamas (the things on the feet would bug me!)? Socks? No socks? 74°? 68°? 78°? Head toward the door? Head toward the window? Go to sleep with paci? No paci? Noise machine? No noise machine? Night light? No night light? Can he hear Louis snoring? Should we use the ceiling fan or a small fan near his crib? Whatever it was, suddenly my good sleeper was no more. He *would not* sleep in his crib for anything. Ever. Which was fine when I had nothing to do, but when mom is trying to get ready for 30+ guests or work at Sunshine School, it is no bueno. 

We three slept in our queen bed every night for over a month. Its hard to gear yourself up for any kind of sleeplessness when you've had months of 10 hour nights, so we took the easy (albeit uncomfortable) route for a good while. Eventually we bit the bullet and decided to start sleep training. Of course cry-it-out sounded like the worst thing every so we started with the "Sleep Lady Shuffle", but Carter wanted no part of that. It failed miserably. It might have been easier had we started before he was so aware of us, but at this point seeing us sitting next to the crib fueled a meltdown for the record books. He cried harder than I have ever seen. So we gave up & all got in bed :) We asked our pediatrician and he told us that he had heard the most success from cry-it-out. And when we were ready to try sleep training again, that's what we did. And it worked. Much better than we thought and much better than the SLS. He cried like someone was hurting him for 90 minutes before we gave in during the SLS, & for maybe 40 minutes with CIO ranging from whimpers to full on crying. And now less than a week in he is putting himself to sleep for bedtime & naps with <10 minutes of fussing. And he'll sleep for an hour minimum at nap time & 11ish hours at night. He had never ever put himself down - he had to be 100% asleep & then I'd carefully, 1cm at a time move him to his crib. I know people who love SLS & I'm glad it worked for them, it is certainly easier on mommy's nerves, but our stubborn boy would not give up while he could see us! Regardless, glad something worked! We are all happier & better rested for it!

I am still a little worried because God was kind to us and gave us one of the most easy going children of all time. Besides being a cruddy nurser & eater in general, he hasn't given us much trouble. Well there is the copious amounts of spitup I dealt with. I haven't seen another child who rivals him in that. A few come close. But seriously? A load of laundry daily is welcomed since I have such a happy guy. Which means... Either he's going to hit a real rough phase later, or we might as well call the next one Ike or Katrina 'cause (s)he'll be a hurricane. I feel like with Carter's pregnancy all I worried about was health. Mine & his, then & in the future. But now looking at getting pregnant again, I'm worried about personality!! What about you, mom friends? Did you worry more or less the second time? Did you pray for health? Smarts? Smiles? Good sleeper? 

A Whole Lot of Update About Nothing

I seem to constantly wishing I had time to sit and write (about what I'm not always sure), but never doing it! Instead when I do sit I play silly games on my phone or check Facebook, twitter, or Instagram... Thanks to the advice of a couple friends, I downloaded Feedly, caught up on many blogs I hadn't read in awhile - both of people I actually know and people I only know through the internets- and now I'm inspired to write myself!

Since I wrote after Mother's Day we have: had Louis' first Father's Day, accepted an offer on our house and put in one of our own, Louis' 26th birthday, Carter's first July 4th, moved from the old to the new house, my 27th birthday, my gallbladder came out, and now Carter is 8.5 months old.  It sounds super eventful, and it was to a certain extent, but there was also a lot of down time and waiting in all of that! Buying a house while selling another is the least fun thing ever, which is why I am planning on dying in this house- just bury me out back. We are IN LOVE with the new house and all the space that we just can't wait to fill up with more babies! Well that's only partly true, but you know what I mean.

Only way momma gets to shower!

Carter is such a joy and definitely the best child I have ever had. He is constantly smiling at everything & everyone- he is going to give us a run for our money.  Not only will this child get anything and everything he wants from us, but his grandparents, friends parents, and complete strangers are already under his spell!

 

He has a bunch of buddies at church born within a few weeks of him and it is so fun to see their personalities develop. So far he's the charming one. (I'd say flirty but he does it to everyone, not just cute girls!) He has been an early mover, a great sleeper, but a poor eater. Well a good sleeper until a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if its the move, a stage, or what, but he ends up in our bed a lot of the time because neither one of us wants to get up and soothe him every time, and he'd cant cry it out since his crib is in our room! (Why put him upstairs alone when we have an empty sitting area in the master?)

In love with precious snuggle time. And those lashes! What boy needs blue eyes & long dark lashes?!

Luckily we seem to be on the downhill side of the solids mountain.  He has taken forever to get on board, and due to the house being listed, then packing & moving, I haven't been able to practice with him as often as I wanted. But lately he's been great so we'll see. Right now he has a cold & barely takes a bottle so here's hoping we don't backtrack!

Constantly. Getting. Into. EVERYTHING!

I am almost done unpacking so soon I can start the decorating/home improvement/DIY projects. I have big plans- lucky for Louis Pinterest didn't exist when we moved into the last house, but unluckily for him it exists now! Every wall in the house is beige, so I definitely have paint in my plans. Plus updating light fixtures, door knobs, cabinet & drawer pulls, and curtains right off the bat. Most of the other projects will have to happen in phases for budgetary reasons, but seeing as I can't make up my mind and haven't figured out what to do with a lot of the spaces, that's ok. If anyone wants to come over & suggest what I do, I'd accept the help & pay you in baked goods!!!

Cabinets are not this vibrant in real life. What do I do in here?! Latest opinion is a washed out/chalky turquoise blue...?

Mothers Day

A holiday that until now I have always had a very specific perspective on. That of a child. Mothers Day was all about MY mother- Jayne to her friends, Jayne Ann to her family, and my Momma. I know she loves me, and no special gift, card, poem, or eloquent words could ever express what she means to me, but I still enjoyed trying when I could. It was about other mothers too to an extent- my grandmothers, aunts, ladies at church, and friends. But that was it. I had a very shallow understanding. 

Last year at this time I was 1/3 a mother. We were almost out of the first trimester and while both families knew, the world didn't, so we celebrated it secretly! But it still didn't have the impact of this year. It was more about anticipation. They say that a woman becomes a mother the minute she learns she's pregnant, but a man becomes a father only when the child is born. I kinda agree... Louis was incredible while I was pregnant and talked to and held my belly, but there is no way he will ever understand the incredibly special bond you have after feeling someone move inside for months, knowing that your heartbeat is the most comforting sound they know. He also couldn't relate to the sacrifices I made before, during, & after pregnancy. Not just that my body will never be the same (the weight is gone but oh the stretch marks! And my bum is flatter and hips are wider! And my csection scar. All marks of triumph & joy though!) but I changed my diet, my shoes (all my pretty heels are gathering dust!), the way I slept, my job, my entertainment & conversations, my worries. His life changed only after Carter arrived and then only in some respects. But at the same time, I had only experienced some of those things as of Mothers Day last year. And although I would have given my life to save my baby, being a mother really didn't sink in for me until long after he arrived. I tend to have delayed realization of change. 

This year was totally different. I understood the sacrifices of my own mother and all mothers very empathetically. I have probably a dozen friends who have become mothers in the last year, and I thought of all them especially. I thought of all of the mothers who have lost children. Whether you have other children or not I can imagine that losing one of your creations, one of the sweet babies who called you mama, who made you a mother, is a beyond terrible thing. Whether that child is a grown adult or still young, parents should never bury their children, and I know Sunday would have been difficult. I thought of all of the friends I have that are pregnant, one who was already late to give birth, and some who are just starting that journey. What joy & wonder they have coming into their lives! I thought of all of the women who have or are struggling to get pregnant, or never could, and how painful today might be. I hope they found some peace or hope. I also thought of mothers who are no longer with us. Louis lost his grandmother & great grandmother this year, and I know this was a hard day for both sides of his family, as well as other families whose mothers passed. I also thought of people who for various reasons feel like they have no mother. Maybe she was absent or not a good parent, or passed away before they knew her. Whatever the reason, I thought this could also be a difficult day for them. I hope that they were able to acknowledge a substitute mother. A father, grandparent, or friend who had a special influence on their life. 

I loved seeing all of the photos and shout-outs to mothers on Facebook. So many of my friends have incredible moms, and it made me smile to see all the retro pictures! But just like friends without kids only want to hear/see/read so much about your kids (no bodily function posts please!), I wondered how all the Mother's Day posts made people feel. We were in Sweetwater & so didn't go to Prestoncrest, but I was relieved to see through Twitter that Gordon preached on his series of Underdogs in the Bible, & not about Mothers. My perspective this year was just so different that I felt sad that a preachers sermon could be a source of grief for some. 

I love holidays. Most of them are about love in some fashion (having trouble finding the love in St Patrick's Day), and why not celebrate love?! But as a single teenager I hated Valentines Day, and as a childless woman I yearned to celebrate Mother's Day. How can we celebrate joy & love without causing hurt to those who feel like they have neither?

The Nursery

This nursery was a labor of love.  As in I loved it but it was a lot of work.  As with most momma's on a budget, I did everything myself (slash with my mom's help)(and sisters' advice).  I had very specific ideas about what I wanted this room to look like, but very little idea where to find what I wanted!  (and I apologize for the poor quality of the photos - this room has very little natural light thanks to a southeast facing window and a dark curtain.  Perfect for a napping child, not so great for the photography!)

Furniture - I wanted dark wood... I LOVE white, but its not super gender neutral. (I guess it can be - but white furniture with navy & white bedding felt very nautical, not the direction I wanted)  I did a lot of research, price comparing, etc. and found this at Burlington Baby Depot.  It's highly rated by Consumer Reports for safety, it was a pretty, dark wood, solid construction, and had a coordinating wide, low dresser that I could make into our changing table (one of my must-haves).  The recliner is a craigslist find from a lovely family in Allen who bought it when their daughter was born!  I have slept in it, and it was much better than I would have slept in a non-reclining glider.

Textiles - I searched and searched for bedding I liked, but I was not able to find what I was looking for (at least for a decent price).  I searched and search fabric stores, but still couldn't find what I wanted, so I ordered fabric online.  It arrived, minus the curtain fabric which was backordered, so my my mom and I made the bedding before school started.  The curtain fabric arrived the day he was born, and we didn't make the curtain until he was about a month old, which was no big deal since at that point he had never slept in his room! (And the perfectly coordinating green crib sheet is from his Oklahoma City cousins!) The rug I found on rugsusa.com, and had timing issues thanks to it constantly being out of stock in the size I needed.  I finally managed to get it during one of their big sales, and it arrived the week before he was born, 3 weeks ahead of schedule!  And its perfect!

 

Knick-knacks - hanging toy storage from Ikea.  On his dresser is a lamp from Aunt Kara, a photo from our maternity session, and two model cars.  A blue Shelby Cobra (his Papa's dream car) and an orange Chevy Bel Air (a car his Papi actually had).  On the shelf next to the curtain is a silver duck (mine) and a block (Aunt Kara's I think), a glass clown that was his Papa's when he was little, and some word art found on Pinterest!

"Art" - Carter letters above the door (made by me) and collage above the crib with images that are special to us (and don't worry, they are hanging on nails, with 3m velcro strips for reinforcement.  A earthquake could bring the house down and those guys will still be stuck to that wall!)  That collage was the bane of my existence for awhile, and the reason his nursery wasn't finished finished until like last week.  I started with just the round plate and the bible verse with the signed mat from my baby shower, and had to select the images I wanted, decide what size I wanted them to be, find the rest of the frames in dark brown in the correct sizes and coordinating styles, and then send the images to kinkos for printing.  And then frame and hang them all (with my tape measure, pencil, and level, after first creating the design on the floor, because I'm OCD and thanks to my dad I don't hang anything on the wall without it being flawless).

Images from L to R, top to bottom: Chili's logo, polo player, "C is for Carter" print, Batman, Winnie the Pooh quote, birth stats, his hospital bracelet, Dallas Cowboys, special Bible verse plate from Miss Laura, picture of his two favorite people, Texas, Bible verse with signed mat from baby shower, RCA dog (who Sadie resembles), Winnie the Pooh quote.

 

Reading nook - as a teacher, but more importantly a life-long book worm, I wanted to have a special place for reading.  I saw the Ikea spice rack bookshelf idea on Pinterest, and decided to go with it, and I love how they turned out.  He actually has quite a bit more books than fit on the shelves, so we have some on the shelves, in that basket, downstairs, and in the other bedroom.  My mom found the Eric Carle alphabet print, which I love, and is perfect because those are currently his favorite books (simple, bold pictures and sing songy words are right up his alley)! 

I'm completely in love with it!  Sadie too, as you can see she already has her "spot" where she hangs out while we change him or read!  Every single thing was carefully considered and chosen by me, (with advice from my mom and sisters), and is special to us!  And Lord willing when we get a little girl, I will change the green to pink and change out some of the accessories and we'll be good to go.  I have now done every room in our house besides the extra bedroom (aka Carter's future big boy room) and the dining room, and the dining room is getting a makeover asap (like this weekend?!).  Somehow there isn't enough room for the gear/toys we've already acquired for him, so the dining room we never use is going to be the play room.  As much as it feels weird to do, I really want all the toys in one location, and there just isn't enough room in his room or the living room.  Next house we'll have both, but for now this plan will do fine! (How did I fill up this more than big enough house with stuff?)(but I digress, my shopping addiction and hoarding problem is a whole other blog topic!) =)

I think I made my oldest friend/freshman roommate/interior designer extraordinaire proud!  Melis - don't tell me if not! ;)

Lint/Facebook/Lent

Based off a recent discussion Louis and I had... What do you call the fuzzy stuff between your toes after wearing socks? (Actually this doesn't happen to me anymore, we were giving Carter a bath and he was the owner of the toes in question). Louis calls it lint. But I call what's in your (or your baby's) belly button lint, and I call the fuzz between his toes, toe jam. It seems cuter that way. I know it doesn't make sense because there is nothing jam-like about it, it is much more linty... But I'm right, right? :) Now on to the real topic...

Facebook

Why do I do it? Why do you do it? I think it started innocent enough freshman year of college- a way to connect with people who I had been separated from. But lately, I had become obsessed with it. Not with posting, no one wants to see what I think a dozen times a day. I try to do once a day or less, and looking at February I posted a status or picture 7 times in 16 days. Ok, not bad at all. But I was checking it constantly. Like every time I turned my phone on. Which when you are pumping breastmilk or have a child who insisted on being held 99% of his first 8 weeks of life, you have a lot of sitting still time. I think that's when it started. I'd be stuck pumping (with no tv) or holding a sleeping baby and whatever was on tv wasn't engaging enough (love Friends but I've seen them all a dozen times at this point) so I'd check twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram. And the downward spiral began. Even when Carter would let me put him down for a nap or to play, I'd still have my trusty iPhone in hand. On days when I had something to do (with a deadline), I could easily get it done and not check my phone once. But when I intended to do chores or something, I'd look up and an hour would have flown by with nothing done. 

And the worst part of this addiction? Facebook had become the ruler by which I measured my happiness. Let's be honest, I have an incredible life. Best husband, baby, puppy dog, sisters, parents, and friends in the world. (Especially the baby)(I made him so I know he's awesome) I have more than I could ever need, and any problems I have are first world problems. And yet I saw others' posts and pictures and found myself discontent. And either fixated on that or insulted them (in my head) to feel better. Like "well they have an awesome _____ but _____ would drive me crazy!" It was bad. Somehow even though Pinterest is the website where you find recipes for meals you'll never make, crafts you'll never do, to decorate a house you'll never afford, after marrying the perfect man who doesn't exist, in the wedding you'll never have... I can keep my pinning under control, and don't feel like less of a person, woman, wife, or mother. But Facebook... Left me teeming with self doubt. So I gave it up. 

I'm not catholic, but Louis was brought up that way, and even though we go to a Church of Christ, I think he has observed Lent every year we've been together. I can't remember what he gave up this year, but I decided to participate this time, and gave up a few things. Firstly, Facebook & Instagram. I will give a shout out to my friends Megan H & Blair G. They gave up Facebook also & inspired me to take the plunge. Also, language- all the way from the dirty word I use when I get cut off on LBJ to even saying stupid (that wont fly once little guy starts repeating everything we say). And what I listen to in the car. I gave up all radio stations besides the Christian one. 

Have I been perfect? No. I deleted the Facebook & Instagram apps off my phone but if I get an email about being tagged in something then I'll log on real quick to approve it. And I've looked too for people's birthdays, or to read someone's baby news. And I've let a few words slip that I shouldn't have. But I haven't changed the radio in my car!

Easter is in about a week and I haven't exactly decided what I'll do when Lent is over. Obviously I need to continue to tame my tongue. And I really have been blessed by listening to 94.9. I've caught myself singing some of the songs in the middle of the day. That's another one I'd like to continue for the most part, especially since "little pitchers have big ears". It might be entertaining for Carter to know every word to a pop song, but probably not beneficial educationally or spiritually... 

But Facebook? Can I give it up? I'm not sure. Well I lie, I COULD. But should I? It has its perks. But it makes me nervous that the devil uses it to plant seeds of self doubt and envy in my heart. I guess what I really need to do is continue praying that the Lord give me peace in the gifts I have been given. And then I can be on Facebook freely, and appreciate the good things happening to my 500 Facebook friends (or however many there are)(I can't get on to check, remember?) I know with information being so readily available in today's world that this will be a constant battle. Though I will take comfort in the fact that the phrase "keeping up with the Joneses" is not a new one, and one of the Ten Commandments is to not covet. I guess Moses' neighbors were over worried about what each other had as well!

I'm a work in progress. Pray for me :)

I Love...

Honchito (my made up spanish for little boss) has been in our lives for 100 days today and in honor of the occasion I came up with 50 things I love about him!

I love...

1-10. His tiny fingers, toes, his big blue eyes, looong eyelashes, semi-bald head, big belly, his hand size booty (seriously, fits right in my hand!), perfect skin, sweet smell, BIG smiles

11.  How tightly he grips my shirt

12.  When he pulls my hair

13.  When he smiles so hard his eyes crinkle shut

14.  His almost laugh

15.  When he chuckles in his sleep

16.  Kissing his cheeks

17.  How much he loves reading “Brown Bear, Brown Bear”

18.  Snuggling with him

19.  That he slept in our arms almost exclusively the first 6 weeks

20.  When he looks like Louis

21.  When he looks like me

22.  That I made him (!)

23.  That God gave the perfect gift to us at the perfect time

24.  That he has discovered he can control his hands

25.  Reading to him in his rocker

26.  How tiny his socks are (and some still aren’t tiny enough)

27.  That his eyes follow me when I walk away

28.  How strong he is

29.  When he really cries- like the “waaaaa”- so cute!

30.  His pouty face (one of the things he got from me)

31.  How much he loves baths

32.  Dressing him up like a little man

33.  Skin to skin time

34.  How he smiles at Sadie dog

35.  When his tummy is full & his whole body goes limp

36.  When he's upset but calms down the second we snuggle him

37.  When he kicks & waves his arms with a look of intense concentration

38.  When he rests his hands on his tummy

39.  When he stares at something & you can just see the gears working in his head

40.  When he looks at something & smiles like it’s the coolest thing he's ever seen

41.  That he is such an easy going guy!

42.  That even when I feel cabin feverish, I know that I am doing what God made me for & I delight in that

43.  When he is startled & his hands fly up like a wizard or orchestra conductor

44.  That Sadie's barking doesn't faze him because he heard her barking for months before he was born 

45.  What he has brought out in Louis

46.  That despite my diabetes he is perfect, not too small at all!

47.  And because of my diabetes I got to meet him 13 days early! (assuming he came on my due date)

48.  Dreaming about his future

49.  That (God willing!) he is the first of several children we will have & I can't wait to have more

50.  That he is mine!