Update

Well whatever that cramping was it wasn't implantation, because 8 or so pregnancy tests and eventually my period confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. It was a rough couple of days in our house. As I told my sisters, when we were trying for Carter it was like a shot in the dark every month. Never knew if we were going to be successful or not, because there was so much unknown. This time, with everything being so scheduled, I feel like it should be like shooting fish in a barrel.  And if I can't do that, how much is it going to take to be successful? Making me ache for people who have to go through years of this and more. I don't know how they aren't just complete jerks all the time. Also makes me angry at people who get pregnant too easily and aren't responsible. Did you hear about the 22 year old woman in Houston who left her three toddlers (3 of 5 total children) at home alone while she went to work? Neighbor found them wandering outside in an apartment complex & going through the garbage. Ugh.

Round two started about 3.5 weeks ago, and we won't know for at least another week if we were successful. Last cycle I ovulated on day 16, and this time it wasn't until day 21. When I tried calling the doctor to talk about it, I of course only heard from the nurse, and she only wanted me to get labs drawn. On day 21. So I reexplained that I hadn't ovulated on day 14 like she was assuming, so she put me on hold and then came back and said we'd do it on day 29... Whatever, another reason I'll be switching doctors. I would love to be talking to the person who knows what's supposed to be going on, not the messenger. I feel like all my googling and reading has me more knowledgable than her, and she's my main contact. Not ok. 

Today for the first time in a long time I was thankful to be the mom of one child. Carter didn't nap well this morning at Sunshine School, so he fell asleep in the car on the way home, and then I woke him up in the transfer, and he wouldn't go back down. And when he finally did, the fedex guy rang the doorbell and Sadie barked and he got up again. Anyway, I went and got him when it became clear that napping was not happening, and we got to snuggle and giggle in my bed. He laid on my chest and had his arms tightly around my neck and was oh so precious. And had I had a younger child who also needed my attention I would have missed out on the sweetness. I would have picked him up, held him close for a few minutes, then put him down in his playroom and moved on. Today I had the opportunity and the good sense to cherish my time with him. I need to do that more often. He is, after all, the best baby I've ever had. Even though right this minute he is angry because instead of 3-4 hours of sleep today he got <1, and he's exhausted and nothing I'm doing is making it better and I can't lay him down for another 2 hours and all I want is for Louis to come home and rescue me. :)

I don't usually think about or talk about the devil's presence or actions, but his work on my attitude of this whole situation has been pretty impressive. He has managed to turn something amazing (my husband, son, family, other many many blessings) into nothing. None of that is enough when I'm angry or sad about my empty belly. Which is ridiculous. I am alive and well and am surrounded by love and blessings and have the grace of God. And I have the promise given to me that God's plans for me are good (Jer. 29:11) and that he will give me the desires of my heart (Ps. 37:4). Whether that be the old fashioned way or in some other way I know that it will happen. God did not make me this bossy for nothing!

Next: Round 3

Progress

And I say that half truthfully and half hopefully. I did get a call yesterday that due to my progesterone levels it does appear that I ovulated. Yay. Ok. That's the first, very necessary step, and the whole reason I'm struggling. Of course that doesn't automatically mean we'll be successful.

Yesterday morning I was feeding Carter and suddenly had pretty intense pain very low in my abdomen. Had I been on my period I would have sworn I had cramps, and had it continued I definitely would have taken ibuprofen, but it didn't last long, and since I'm still 4 days away from a potential period, it wasn't cramps. I am hoping that it was implantation...? Again, since last time I had no idea what was going on I wasn't looking for or expecting any symptoms so I have nothing to compare it to, but the timing is right. According to the expensive pregnancy tests I could potentially know today if we are pregnant, but since I implanted a little late (6-12 days after is normal, I *think* I was 9)(so not late but not early), I'm not sure if it is soon enough to show up. The internet (oh the internet, so many non-medical opinions all at your fingertips) vary but seem to agree it takes a couple of days for hcg to show up in quantities large enough to be measured without a blood test. Maybe tomorrow I'll take one of the middle range tests I got and Saturday I'll try the expensive kind? I don't know... 

In unrelated news, took Carter to the pediatrician yesterday because the clear snot he's had since Saturday turned yellow, and his eyes have been goopy. He hasn't acted miserable, but I'm glad I went in, because turns out he has a sinus infection and an ear infection. Whoohoo. 10 days of antibiotics and he should be good as new. Luckily doc says he should be improved within 24 hours, and isn't contagious. He has been coughing more than he was yesterday morning, so I'm glad I didn't wait to go in, knowing that it has progressed. He's a trooper and has been sleeping well and still playing and smiling, but I can tell he isn't himself. Hopefully the drugs really do kick in quick so my little guy can get back to business!

Next: Update

The dreaded 2 week wait

Since last time our pregnancy came as a surprise, I wasn't waiting to take a pregnancy test. I was actually waiting to get my period, which was almost as annoying, but I was also teaching, so the days were super busy and I didn't actually think about it much. It was after spring break and if you teach third grade or higher in Texas you know that post-spring break is review season followed closely by testing season. Needless to say I was rushing around trying to finish my last weeks of content (it was space, the kids favorite!) while planning my review that would start in a couple weeks. (My review ended up starting the week I started having morning (all day) sickness, so I was really glad that I had already done all of the planning and prep beforehand!)

Anyway, this go around the waiting is absolutely killing me and according to Louis, making me mean. Which I won't dispute. With Carter according to my due date I ovulated on a Monday, and then got a positive pregnancy test two Sundays later, or 13 days. Today I am 8 days post ovulation and still got a negative (which was totally expected, I am taking cheapy $1 tests every day because somehow I feel more proactive that way?) And actually I am just assuming I did ovulate. I had bloodwork done on Friday that should tell us yes or no and I haven't heard back yet. I'll probably call this morning and leave a reminder message. (My doc/nurse is the worst about calling with test results... I'm actually thinking about changing docs anyway and this adds to my reasons.)

Unfortunately my 2ww (2 week wait) started last Tuesday, which was two days before Halloween. Ugh. I have eaten SO much chocolate it isn't even funny. The stress snacking is going to help me put on a few pounds right away. I know I just wrote that I feel more hopeful about this cycle, but I also feel more worried that it won't work and what that will mean. When you're trying the old fashioned way there is like a 30% chance of it working each month. Now I have at least 7 friends off the top of my head who got pregnant either accidentally or the first month, so I have to wonder about that stat, but still, I knew each month that it might work, might not.  I feel like this time I knew so much and it was so scheduled that if it doesn't work I'm immediately going to panic. Poor Louis if that happens. Publically I'll be positive and say, "not this month but I'm sure it will be soon!", but privately I will be falling apart. Hate to say it but I know myself. I luckily have one friend who used clomid, and another who has been struggling with AO like I have so I have two girls I can whine to and who can actually understand. Others are sympathetic but no one else I know personally actually knows what it's like. It's nice not to feel alone in our journey!

Next: Progress

Conceptions on conception

Trying to get pregnant is weird. Trying to get pregnant is hard for us, though no big deal for others. And I'm not just talking about the cast of 16 & Pregnant. And to be clear, it's even harder, and sometimes impossible, for others (which breaks my heart). But trying to get pregnant with the help of using drugs is even weirder than normal. To me, it seems much more possible. As in a higher likelihood of success.  It is so specific, so strategic, so structured. There is less confusion and what-ifs and maybes.

For those of you who have never been pregnant, or don't know the specifics, a human woman is pregnant for 40 weeks, which is 280 days, or about 9 months and 10 days. But actually you get two free weeks. The moment you conceive you are actually already 2 weeks, because they are counting from the beginning of your last cycle, which is roughly 14 days before. All this to say that this month, when I "started" (thanks to the drugs), I wondered if this was week one? And this weekend when I ovulate (which I know because other drugs make it so), I will wonder if I am "two weeks" pregnant. So much different than any other month we have tried and certainly different than with Carter. 

I have mixed emotions about using the drugs. My heart aches for another baby. I have a visceral response every time I hear someone else is pregnant. It's very foolish because I already have the best baby, but still I am anxious to have another little person growing inside and to make Carter a big brother. Will I be upset if this round of clomid doesn't work? Yes, but more so out of fear that it never will work, rather than my timeline being messed up. We are actually starting to try earlier than I anticipated (by 3 or 4 months, not significantly), because I fear that having Carter was a fluke, and I'd rather start early and then find out something is wrong. According to the doctor my blood work looks "normal", but that also means that there is no diagnosis for my issues and therefore no clear solution. She is optimistic that this will take care of us and I am too. I am still very prayerful about giving up all my fear & anxiety in this situation to God. I still wonder if we are rushing God's good and perfect will for us. It is hard to know if we should go eau naturale and trust that he will bless us with a surprise like Carter, or if we are to use the drugs to see his plans through. I do feel certain that God made me (above all other jobs he gave me), to be the momma of many loud, sweet, crazy, God-loving children, and that we will do whatever it takes to make that so, whether that be drugs or procedures or adoption.

This is a rambling post that won't be shared for many moons (aka 10-11 weeks minimum), but I wanted to get my thoughts done while I had them, and not try to remember this later!

Next: 2WW

Sleep struggles & successes!

I am fascinated by this enigma we call "infant sleep". (In quotes because some do very little of it.) Any parent will tell you that to "sleep like a baby" sounds awful. Though I guess when they do sleep, they crash, hard. We've been lucky overall, Carter slept through the night since at 10 weeks. And I mean 7 or more hours, not this 5+ business. That was about 6 weeks in. But that was luck & not any theory in action. Of course, he had to be held to sleep for the first 8 or 9 weeks. A 15 minute nap in the swing or a 1.5 hour nap on mom's chest? You can guess what we went with! But we slowly transitioned him to the pack & play bassinet next to our bed, and then to his crib across the hall at around 5 months. And he did great, until we moved...

All the variables kill me. Was it:  the change in scenery? The developmental stage? The head cold he got? The onset of separation anxiety? Going to sleep too late? Too early? Too much napping during the day? Too little? The pajamas (the things on the feet would bug me!)? Socks? No socks? 74°? 68°? 78°? Head toward the door? Head toward the window? Go to sleep with paci? No paci? Noise machine? No noise machine? Night light? No night light? Can he hear Louis snoring? Should we use the ceiling fan or a small fan near his crib? Whatever it was, suddenly my good sleeper was no more. He *would not* sleep in his crib for anything. Ever. Which was fine when I had nothing to do, but when mom is trying to get ready for 30+ guests or work at Sunshine School, it is no bueno. 

We three slept in our queen bed every night for over a month. Its hard to gear yourself up for any kind of sleeplessness when you've had months of 10 hour nights, so we took the easy (albeit uncomfortable) route for a good while. Eventually we bit the bullet and decided to start sleep training. Of course cry-it-out sounded like the worst thing every so we started with the "Sleep Lady Shuffle", but Carter wanted no part of that. It failed miserably. It might have been easier had we started before he was so aware of us, but at this point seeing us sitting next to the crib fueled a meltdown for the record books. He cried harder than I have ever seen. So we gave up & all got in bed :) We asked our pediatrician and he told us that he had heard the most success from cry-it-out. And when we were ready to try sleep training again, that's what we did. And it worked. Much better than we thought and much better than the SLS. He cried like someone was hurting him for 90 minutes before we gave in during the SLS, & for maybe 40 minutes with CIO ranging from whimpers to full on crying. And now less than a week in he is putting himself to sleep for bedtime & naps with <10 minutes of fussing. And he'll sleep for an hour minimum at nap time & 11ish hours at night. He had never ever put himself down - he had to be 100% asleep & then I'd carefully, 1cm at a time move him to his crib. I know people who love SLS & I'm glad it worked for them, it is certainly easier on mommy's nerves, but our stubborn boy would not give up while he could see us! Regardless, glad something worked! We are all happier & better rested for it!

I am still a little worried because God was kind to us and gave us one of the most easy going children of all time. Besides being a cruddy nurser & eater in general, he hasn't given us much trouble. Well there is the copious amounts of spitup I dealt with. I haven't seen another child who rivals him in that. A few come close. But seriously? A load of laundry daily is welcomed since I have such a happy guy. Which means... Either he's going to hit a real rough phase later, or we might as well call the next one Ike or Katrina 'cause (s)he'll be a hurricane. I feel like with Carter's pregnancy all I worried about was health. Mine & his, then & in the future. But now looking at getting pregnant again, I'm worried about personality!! What about you, mom friends? Did you worry more or less the second time? Did you pray for health? Smarts? Smiles? Good sleeper? 

A Whole Lot of Update About Nothing

I seem to constantly wishing I had time to sit and write (about what I'm not always sure), but never doing it! Instead when I do sit I play silly games on my phone or check Facebook, twitter, or Instagram... Thanks to the advice of a couple friends, I downloaded Feedly, caught up on many blogs I hadn't read in awhile - both of people I actually know and people I only know through the internets- and now I'm inspired to write myself!

Since I wrote after Mother's Day we have: had Louis' first Father's Day, accepted an offer on our house and put in one of our own, Louis' 26th birthday, Carter's first July 4th, moved from the old to the new house, my 27th birthday, my gallbladder came out, and now Carter is 8.5 months old.  It sounds super eventful, and it was to a certain extent, but there was also a lot of down time and waiting in all of that! Buying a house while selling another is the least fun thing ever, which is why I am planning on dying in this house- just bury me out back. We are IN LOVE with the new house and all the space that we just can't wait to fill up with more babies! Well that's only partly true, but you know what I mean.

Only way momma gets to shower!

Carter is such a joy and definitely the best child I have ever had. He is constantly smiling at everything & everyone- he is going to give us a run for our money.  Not only will this child get anything and everything he wants from us, but his grandparents, friends parents, and complete strangers are already under his spell!

 

He has a bunch of buddies at church born within a few weeks of him and it is so fun to see their personalities develop. So far he's the charming one. (I'd say flirty but he does it to everyone, not just cute girls!) He has been an early mover, a great sleeper, but a poor eater. Well a good sleeper until a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if its the move, a stage, or what, but he ends up in our bed a lot of the time because neither one of us wants to get up and soothe him every time, and he'd cant cry it out since his crib is in our room! (Why put him upstairs alone when we have an empty sitting area in the master?)

In love with precious snuggle time. And those lashes! What boy needs blue eyes & long dark lashes?!

Luckily we seem to be on the downhill side of the solids mountain.  He has taken forever to get on board, and due to the house being listed, then packing & moving, I haven't been able to practice with him as often as I wanted. But lately he's been great so we'll see. Right now he has a cold & barely takes a bottle so here's hoping we don't backtrack!

Constantly. Getting. Into. EVERYTHING!

I am almost done unpacking so soon I can start the decorating/home improvement/DIY projects. I have big plans- lucky for Louis Pinterest didn't exist when we moved into the last house, but unluckily for him it exists now! Every wall in the house is beige, so I definitely have paint in my plans. Plus updating light fixtures, door knobs, cabinet & drawer pulls, and curtains right off the bat. Most of the other projects will have to happen in phases for budgetary reasons, but seeing as I can't make up my mind and haven't figured out what to do with a lot of the spaces, that's ok. If anyone wants to come over & suggest what I do, I'd accept the help & pay you in baked goods!!!

Cabinets are not this vibrant in real life. What do I do in here?! Latest opinion is a washed out/chalky turquoise blue...?

Mothers Day

A holiday that until now I have always had a very specific perspective on. That of a child. Mothers Day was all about MY mother- Jayne to her friends, Jayne Ann to her family, and my Momma. I know she loves me, and no special gift, card, poem, or eloquent words could ever express what she means to me, but I still enjoyed trying when I could. It was about other mothers too to an extent- my grandmothers, aunts, ladies at church, and friends. But that was it. I had a very shallow understanding. 

Last year at this time I was 1/3 a mother. We were almost out of the first trimester and while both families knew, the world didn't, so we celebrated it secretly! But it still didn't have the impact of this year. It was more about anticipation. They say that a woman becomes a mother the minute she learns she's pregnant, but a man becomes a father only when the child is born. I kinda agree... Louis was incredible while I was pregnant and talked to and held my belly, but there is no way he will ever understand the incredibly special bond you have after feeling someone move inside for months, knowing that your heartbeat is the most comforting sound they know. He also couldn't relate to the sacrifices I made before, during, & after pregnancy. Not just that my body will never be the same (the weight is gone but oh the stretch marks! And my bum is flatter and hips are wider! And my csection scar. All marks of triumph & joy though!) but I changed my diet, my shoes (all my pretty heels are gathering dust!), the way I slept, my job, my entertainment & conversations, my worries. His life changed only after Carter arrived and then only in some respects. But at the same time, I had only experienced some of those things as of Mothers Day last year. And although I would have given my life to save my baby, being a mother really didn't sink in for me until long after he arrived. I tend to have delayed realization of change. 

This year was totally different. I understood the sacrifices of my own mother and all mothers very empathetically. I have probably a dozen friends who have become mothers in the last year, and I thought of all them especially. I thought of all of the mothers who have lost children. Whether you have other children or not I can imagine that losing one of your creations, one of the sweet babies who called you mama, who made you a mother, is a beyond terrible thing. Whether that child is a grown adult or still young, parents should never bury their children, and I know Sunday would have been difficult. I thought of all of the friends I have that are pregnant, one who was already late to give birth, and some who are just starting that journey. What joy & wonder they have coming into their lives! I thought of all of the women who have or are struggling to get pregnant, or never could, and how painful today might be. I hope they found some peace or hope. I also thought of mothers who are no longer with us. Louis lost his grandmother & great grandmother this year, and I know this was a hard day for both sides of his family, as well as other families whose mothers passed. I also thought of people who for various reasons feel like they have no mother. Maybe she was absent or not a good parent, or passed away before they knew her. Whatever the reason, I thought this could also be a difficult day for them. I hope that they were able to acknowledge a substitute mother. A father, grandparent, or friend who had a special influence on their life. 

I loved seeing all of the photos and shout-outs to mothers on Facebook. So many of my friends have incredible moms, and it made me smile to see all the retro pictures! But just like friends without kids only want to hear/see/read so much about your kids (no bodily function posts please!), I wondered how all the Mother's Day posts made people feel. We were in Sweetwater & so didn't go to Prestoncrest, but I was relieved to see through Twitter that Gordon preached on his series of Underdogs in the Bible, & not about Mothers. My perspective this year was just so different that I felt sad that a preachers sermon could be a source of grief for some. 

I love holidays. Most of them are about love in some fashion (having trouble finding the love in St Patrick's Day), and why not celebrate love?! But as a single teenager I hated Valentines Day, and as a childless woman I yearned to celebrate Mother's Day. How can we celebrate joy & love without causing hurt to those who feel like they have neither?