Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Waiting to exhale

Well we are in the midst of the "TWW". This weekend (also my 28th birthday) we will hopefully get a positive pregnancy test, or AF will show up Monday or Tuesday.

When we went in for our day 12 ultrasound, we found 1 medium follicle (15mm) and 4-5 small ones. Ugh. Not what we hoped. It ended up taking another week for me to ovulate, so it's very very possible that by then we had a nice healthy big follicle in there (they grow about 2 mm per day), but still the clomid isn't working exactly like it should. The predictable response should be for ovulation to occur on or very near day 14 with a nice big follicle. Since it didn't give me that big follicle and I didn't ovulate until day 19, next month the plan will probably we change. 

My doc already kind of laid out the plan (which is why I love him, already thinking ahead and being proactive instead of reactive). He's afraid more clomid will give us more follicles instead of one bigger timely one (as desperately as I want a big family I don't want quints...). Next month we'll try femara, which is a drug developed for a very different purpose, but which gives a similar result. If this month isn't successful hopefully that will do the trick. 

I have mixed feelings about testing this weekend. I'm frustrated that we got a good egg in January and a bad sperm is the one that was successful in fertilizing it (I'll go ahead and throw it out there that nothing Louis did or didn't do had anything to do with it and I in no way hold him responsible.  Just bad luck!). Like, if it wasn't going to work out, why let it work at all? It could have been another failed cycle and then maybe February would have worked and I would still be halfway through a healthy pregnancy. The last double line test I got was such a roller coaster and something I am definitely not ready to go through again. I already feel like this month will be unsuccessful, and I'm not looking forward to many more months of all these up and downs. Though if it is positive I will still be holding my breath for 8 or more weeks while we wait to see if everything is ok. Ready for this piece of life to be over!

Next: Not Pregnant

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Checking In

(Stolen from someone, possibly Kate Bryan)

Making: Pre-K lesson plans
Cooking: very little. I'm in the midst of organizing the mother of all freezer cooking sessions, so it's super easy stuff for now. 
Drinking : diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored, colored water)
Reading: Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and Birth by Tina Cassidy (I NEVER read two at once but Interrupted's a little heavy!)
Wanting: someone to clean and organize my bathroom for me
Looking: forward to setting up my classroom next week & then heading to Port A with my favorite people in the world!
Playing: Netflix. Lots of Star Trek when I can't sleep. 
Wasting: time. It's 3:32 am. I should have been asleep hours ago like my snoring husband. 
Sewing: the answer should be curtains, but the fabric is sitting on my sewing table, waiting patiently. 
Wishing: we could gut the aforementioned bathroom & start over. (Someday!) 
Enjoying: our house! We've had so much company lately that it's stayed really clean & picked up and it's so nice!
Waiting: for Godot. 
Liking: the feeling I'm getting from prepping for school. After months of feeling adrift, I am back in my element, organized, and in control!
Wondering: if the busyness I'm creating for myself to stay distracted is a healthy or unhealthy coping mechanism. 
Loving: this stage of Carter's! He is doing the cutest, smartest, big boy things & picking up new skills left & right! 
Hoping: the transition from 1 nap to 2 (that I think is imminent) goes smoothly! 
Needing: to go to sleep!!!
Smelling: clean sheets
Wearing: the least attractive pjs ever (imagine long sleeved, collared, button down, to about mid-thigh, in a blue stripe pattern, with yoga capris & socks)
Noticing: I probably need new pjs. 
Knowing: my husband doesn't care. (But I digress.)
Thinking: about way too much as usual. 
Feeling: anxious. Excited. Nervous. Impatient. 
Opening: up a new chapter? (That's an awkward prompt!) I am feeling positive about what the next year will bring!

My low-light reel

So all over Pinterest and Facebook lately I have seen graphics like these:


Which must mean a lot of people need the reminder, including myself!

I definitely have times where I cut myself off from Facebook (see: http://thepalaciospensieve.blogspot.com/2013/03/lintfacebooklent.html) because I find myself discontent with my own life as a result of what others post.

I try, on my own wall, to post things with a healthy balance of encouragement, humor, and realism, without too much negativity or bragging. I don't want anyone (including my child one day) to think he is anything but the best thing I've ever done, regardless of temper tantrums, short naps, or failed meals. I also don't want anyone to think he or I are perfect, because that is far from true. 

Recently I read this blog post (http://www.thehandmadehome.net/2014/06/stop-apologizing-already/) and even though her point was a little different, the gist was so similar to thoughts I had been having over the last few days. I decided to snap a few photos and show you my low-light reel, because stressing about a messy house and dirty laundry aren't why God blessed us with a house and plenty of clothes to wear!

Still not unpacked from Chicago... (I actually did finish unpacking last night!)

All three baskets have clean clothes that need to be folded/hung up/put away!

Because those three baskets are already full, this is the mound of laundry growing in our bathroom... 

This is Carter's playroom. And it is this messy almost constantly. Pinterest worthy, right?

This is our sink, which only looks this way because this morning I spent 45 minutes unloading, reloading, and running the dishwasher, which should have happened when the load finished, two days ago...

I'm not saying we shouldn't clean our houses or worry about such things, but we have to give ourselves a break sometimes! Everybody has something that falls through the cracks every once in awhile. We cannot always keep all of our balls up in the air, that is exhausting. As a follow up to my last post, for me, part of "living in the moment" is keeping my house clean enough that I can enjoy it and not be stressed, but not worrying about making it "perfect". We've lived here for 364 days and there is one (1) curtain hung (Carter's room). I still have a box I haven't unpacked. My bathroom is still not organized enough to be as functional as it should. I still have two crates full of pictures and wall art that need to find a home on the walls. I have bought things for projects that I haven't even started. 

BUT. My little guy is happy. We all have comfy beds to sleep in at night. We have food in the fridge. I can have the house ready for guests in about an hour. We love each other, love the Lord, and are loved by him in return. So everything else is just noise. 


Monday, June 23, 2014

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Yesterday, Louis and I went to the genetic counselor and learned more about the results of the testing that was done after my miscarriage. Baby girl had Turners Syndrome, which is a genetic but not hereditary chromosomal abnormality where there is only one X chromosome present. 

I don't know what you remember from high school biology, so I'll give you a refresher.  Every cell in our bodies has 46 chromosomes matched in 23 pairs in the nucleus. The 23rd pair is the sex chromosomes, and you either have two Xs or an X and a Y. Sometimes, when the eggs and sperm are formed through meiosis (ooh remember that?) the chromosomes don't split correctly. Sometimes one gamete (sperm or egg) gets extra chromosomes (called a trisomy) and sometimes they don't get enough (as in the case of Turners).

The counselor told us this is for sure a fluke thing, rarely happens a second time, and reiterated that there was nothing either one of us did wrong or could have changed. Turners results in a miscarriage 95% of the time, usually by the 12th week. The other 5% of the time the baby girl is born full term, though she likely will be very petite (less than 5'), and will not have properly developed ovaries and will not go through puberty without hormone therapy. They are able to carry children, though they must use IVF and donor eggs to become pregnant. There is also sometimes a learning disability present, and often heart defects. They are unsure why 1 in 20 survive, though they theorize that in the 19 in 20 who don't, the heart defect is more severe and causes a fluid buildup in the fetus. 

I am thankful that we live in a day and age where this type of information is available. I am thankful to have many answers to our questions and have some reassurance as we move forward. I am sad that my instincts that it was a girl were correct, simply because my heart wanted a girl and then we lost her (not that losing a boy is better, duh!), though my sister pointed out that now we know we can make little girls! Hopefully the pink boots I bought will get worn :) I am thankful to know that what happened is very common, and unrelated to diabetes or clomid, and was nothing more than bad luck. I am still anxious to see God's plan come to fruition. 

I often wish that I could speed up time to already be pregnant again, or get through the first trimester, or whatever, but I am trying to remind myself instead to be present in my life as it is right now. To love every moment with the cutest boy I've ever had, to take pride in our house, in the meals I make, in how I dress, to engage fully in every conversation I have with a friend. It sounds silly, but while in Chicago we went to the planetarium and saw a presentation that kind of put human life in a universal perspective. Y'all, the earth is 4.5 billion years old, and has another 4 or so to go. The universe is nearly 14 billion years old. We only get 80 or so of those years to enjoy, and even though we know we have something great to come, this life is pretty great too, and we shouldn't waste it. What are you going to do to enjoy today? Who do you need to tell that they're special to you? What can you change to make your life the best it can be right now?

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Ouch

A couple of weeks ago I got a package in the mail from someplace in California, and not expecting deliveries I ripped it open, eager to see what it was. "From Pea to Pumpkin: A Pregnancy Journal" Ouch. Forgot about that. (Side note, it had been over a month since I ordered it- why so long?!) I opened it up for a minute and then closed it and walked it upstairs to the bookshelf. 

Today I got an email from Ovia, which is a pregnancy app I used, but deleted long ago. (I'm uncertain why this is the only email I've gotten?) But this email joyfully announced that I was 20 weeks, 4 days, and could potentially be suffering from back pain as my body is growing and stretching, but as I'm now definitely feeling baby's flips and kicks, I should feel good about being past the halfway point. Ouch. And wow. 20 weeks? Not only would I now be 18-19 weeks away from meeting our baby, but that means at this point I haven't been pregnant longer than I was (clear as mud?). Its CRAZY how little time it takes to fall in love with a little alien-like bean and make plans and dreams for them, and how long it takes to get past the loss. Though the last 10 weeks have gone much faster than I thought they would. Now we're at the point of starting this process again, and I have a lot of mixed emotions. Sadness still, anger definitely (though my counselor told me anger is a secondary emotion), frustration, confusion, anxiety. But also excitement and hope. 

And HOPEfully we will have good news to share soon. Since this is all out in the open, know that we will share as soon as we feel comfortable. I LOVE having people check in with me. LOVE having friends tell me they're thinking of me, praying for me. LOVE the support we've received. But just know that I need to keep this process close to the vest for a little while, so "how are you doing?" or "praying for you" or "thinking of you" are preferred questions/comments to "how's the fertility stuff going?" ;) I'm not a good liar, pretty horrible about hiding my emotions when it's something this big, and when I have a good secret it's hard to not share (just with respect to myself, I can assure you I keep other's secrets just fine)! So if you ask me directly, I'll either be forced to be falsely positive about it, lie, or spill my guts, whether they're happy or sad, and I would rather not do any of those things! 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far! Louis let me edge the yard, so I'm feeling like a boss ;) Now we have to clean house to get ready for Mimi & Papi & Uncle D to come tomorrow! And Happy Fathers Day tomorrow! I'm excited to spend it with all three of the dads in my life, and I hope it's a good day for everyone, in some way.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Starting Again

Well, it's time for another series of posts that will remain secret for at least awhile. After two months of artificially induced cycles, yesterday we had an ultrasound and got the go-ahead to start clomid again. Tomorrow I will start a 5 day run of 100 mgs of clomid, and then on the 24th we will have another ultrasound to make sure that my artificially ramped up hormones produced one (or maybe two) nice big follicles (and not small or medium ones like I make regularly)(or seven follicles in which case we would obviously abort the mission for this month).

I've been going to counseling for about 5 weeks now, and it has been great. I love counseling. I'm a huge supporter of going to a trained, unbiased party, who can not only tell you what you need to hear, but can ask questions and make comments to lead you to conclusions and understandings you might not have come to otherwise. This is my 4th round, and 4th counselor/therapist. The last one I saw after we moved to Dallas was awesome, but is in Denton now which is just not conceivable to drive to regularly, so I had to find a new one. I randomly read a Dallas Moms Blog post about late or delayed post-partum depression (which I think I probably had/have), and the author was a guest blogger who worked for LifeWorks. I looked into them and called and found a counselor who is awesome. In the last few weeks she has helped me realize so many things about who I am and why I do what I do.

We've talked a lot about my control issues. (As in I prefer to be in control of everything and everyone [aka Carter and Louis, one of whom is uncontrollable and the other of which is perfectly fine taking care of himself]).  We've talked a lot about plans, and expectations, and how I probably have too many of both. We've talked about how my many, many varied and strong feelings about this whole family growing process are ok and valid, and not something I need to just get over.  We've talked about my need for productivity, and a sense of accomplishment.  And how I am ok with "nothingness" as long as I feel like that's the way its supposed to be (summertime as a student or teacher and not working before or after Carter was born was all ok, until I felt like it was time for another baby and that wasn't happening and I then had something to fixate on).  We've talked a little about what it will look like if this cycle of clomid succeeds, if it fails, if they all fail. We've talked about my anger and frustration and confusion about other people in the world getting pregnant left and right.  People who aren't good parents or good people.  People who don't want to be pregnant, don't like being pregnant, and who complain constantly about the children they already have.  Why them and not me? That is one of several things I'm just going to have to get over. An hour a week is not enough for me, I seriously would love to sit with her for an entire evening each week.

Next week we are going to Chicago for 5 days, and I am pumped.  Not only is it going to help time go faster (because starting yesterday we are back in the cycle of living our lives in two week increments), but hopefully I can relax and spend some quality time with my best friend.  We are leaving Carter here with Louis' parents, and I am slightly nervous about being away from him for that long (more for my sake, he won't even miss me!) but I know he's in good hands so I doubt I'll worry too much!

Still not fully praying yet - I've sent up a thought or two, but nothing like a complete conversation - but I know God is involved in this. When it comes down to it, His plan is the best one, and the one that we want.  I know His plan will not only be good, but redemptive, and I am looking forward to seeing it fall into place.

Next: Waiting to Exhale

Dear Carter

I am sitting in your playroom writing this as you run around in your robot pjs, with a breakfast smeared face, simultaneously managing to wreck havoc while organizing funny things, like putting my slippers on the shelf and stacking up the cars. 

I've been thinking lately what an exciting time in your life this is! I feel like this is the fastest period of development next to being a newborn. You literally are figuring out something new everyday. Your communication skills aren't super strong (although I almost always know what you want when you point and grunt), but you make up for it in every other way, so I'm not too worried! You can run so fast I have to run as well to catch you. You can throw a ball (or your dinner) with accuracy (aka right at me). You can dunk the basketball. You can climb on almost anything now. You're so strong that even things that are too tall to get a leg up on you can pull up on. You are watching Daddy and me and imitating everything! You love to feel like a big boy and do exactly what we do. You love your puppy dogs, and they love you back, most of the time. You love the water. You love baths, showers, pool time, the splash park, the dogs' water bowls, or even a decent sized puddle! Yesterday you climbed into your kiddie pool that was empty except for a little rainwater, and managed to get wet from head to toe. Shirt, overalls, socks & shoes all had to come off! You like to clean, organize, stack, sort. You will sweep with the broom and if you find anything that looks like a paper towel you will use it to clean. You like headbands and shoes. You will put on any pair you find, whether they're mine or dad's and even if you already have shoes on. You do talk constantly, but very little of it is real words. Yesterday you dropped your cup & said "uh oh!" for the first time! You are finally interested in books, and will do more than throw them. You look at them by yourself (usually upside down for some reason), but also will crawl into our laps and let us read to you.

Since you were tiny you have been stubborn and opinionated. You have always wanted to do things your way. (I have no idea where you get that from!) This is great because you crawled and walked early, but I knew you were going to be slow to talk, because what's the need in communicating when you can do it yourself? When we're out Daddy likes to hold your hand and let you walk around, but that's easier said than done since there's a 100% chance you pull away and take off running. You may look like me but you are all Daddy on the inside!

After months of worrying and working, you are finally a decent eater! Still as unpredictable as any toddler, but I can usually count on you to eat your favorites, especially Mexican food! You can now drink out of a sippy cup, through a straw, or a regular cup by yourself! You're reluctant to practice with a spoon or fork for very long, because you can eat so much faster with your hands!

You only have 6 teeth, although all signs point to more very soon! Teething is honestly no big deal so far. You don't act any different and I am thankful for that!  Several people told us late teethers were easier than early ones, and that is proving true! I do wish you were farther along, because eating will be so much easier when you have more! (Like apples, which are the one fruit you try to eat, but end up swallowing a lot whole because your gums just can't crush them up enough!)

You are THE BEST SLEEPER! And momma is so grateful because I need my sleep! You still sleep 11 hours at night and then two 2 hour naps per day. When you are awake you are go-go-going, so I know you tucker yourself out! 

You are still a snuggler, and you give the best hugs. You like to pat my arm or back while I hold you, and when you're sleepy you still bury your fingers in my hair (and then yours when I lay you down). You give kisses, but not on command, only when you feel like it. You suddenly will come at us with an open mouth, aiming for our mouths! (I'm working with you on puckering!) I love when you come crawl in my lap and lean into me. I might have to find a new soap for the next baby, so I can always associate the smell of Aveeno with my guy. 

The whole point of this was to share a little bit of what you're up to, but mostly to make sure you know how much I love you! You're a boy, so this probably won't make you cry like it would your Momma, but one day, either when you're a little older, or a lot older, I hope you will read this and appreciate it. I should have kept better records of what you're into at each stage, but we can always check Facebook and see what I wrote! :) I cherish every single day with you. I LOVED having you in my tummy - every day you grew I was smiling more than I ever had before. I LOVE having you out of my tummy just as much. I complain to daddy that I'm bored, or lonely sometimes, but honestly I wouldn't give up staying home with you! I fought very hard for you, and you're the best thing I've ever done. Losing your little brother or sister a couple of months ago was a reminder to focus on you for the foreseeable future! Momma would have liked to make you a big brother this summer, but now I get to focus on you and make you the happiest guy ever! Hopefully we won't ruin you by spoiling you rotten for a little while!

You were throwing a ball around, but now you're dancing with your "Animales" book, so I'm thinking it's getting close to nap time! I love you little one! 

Momma