27 needles

Yesterday I had two doctors appointments. Louis was kind enough to work from home and stay with Carter because one of them was my bi-weekly ultrasound (which Carter only has limited patience for) and the other was my first acupuncture appointment. Yes, you read that right, acupuncture.

I went to a doc in Preston Hollow whom I allowed, nay paid to stick me with needles. 27 of them in fact. I ended up with three in each ear (the most uncomfortable for sure), two in each arm, five in my stomach, and three on each leg, then after 20 minutes I rolled over and he did four in my back and one on each ankle. 

It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't the most fun 45 minutes I've ever had. During the 20 minute waits you have to lay still, and he turns off the light, has soft music playing, and turns on a heat lamp. I had plenty of time to think. I started by thinking positive, hopeful thoughts. "This cycle is going to work." "We are going to get pregnant with the perfect, healthy baby boy or girl (but hopefully girl)(but most hopefully healthy)." "We're going to get a nice big sticky egg." And then I  turned to less lofty thoughts... "Ow, don't turn your head Dana, those ear ones are tender." "Can you believe you're doing this? This better help. I don't know how many sessions of this I can take." "Is this even for real? I bet I could stick needles in people." And then I thought, this is what it's come to. This is how desperate I am!

Desperate. A word that I've used before but now am really feeling and understanding. The only pressure I've felt at any point in this process is self induced, and somehow I managed in ramp it up even more. I'm having trouble undoing that pressure. 

The ultrasound results were very positive. This was our first round of femara, and on day 13 we had a nice 22x24mm follicle. Right where we need to be. We'll know around our anniversary if April will be the month of Baby P or not!

Next: Grief. And a little hope.

Not pregnant

Seriously the worst words in the universe. For some people that would be good news, but I have never taken a pregnancy test and wanted that result. I will warn you, this was a rough time for me and this may be a rough post.

I just took a test and even though it *could* be too early to tell, it was one of the highly sensitive ones, and so it could have picked up on something if there was something to pick up on. I saw the single line and my heart dropped and I now have a headache and am sick to my stomach. As much as I knew this was the probable result after 3 previously failed cycles and the results of the ultrasound, a HUGE part of me wanted this cycle to work. I wanted to get pregnant immediately, with another little girl, or heck, two. That would be redemptive. 

I am just so darn angry that this is so difficult. Why? Why? Why? ALL I want is to be a pregnant. Seriously. I would give up our house, my new car, my closet full of clothes, all the little luxuries I enjoy, heck I would probably give up diet coke and chocolate forever if someone told me that would mean we could get pregnant when and how we wanted. Oh and carbs. And reading. 

I'm going to say something that will probably upset a few people but it's how I feel and that's that. The miscarriage was difficult. Heart breaking. Soul cracking. Faith rocking. It is impossibly difficult to grieve someone you didn't even know, but fell so completely in love with in a matter of seconds. You don't have memories to remember them by, and so many outsiders cannot relate. BUT. To me, the monthly (yearly?) struggle to get pregnant is a little worse. Yes, there isn't loss. But there also is very little hope. 11.5 months of pregnancy in 40+ un-prevented months doesn't make for good odds. Now multiple miscarriages, that's a different story. Something I can't comment on. But not being certain if 1) I can or will get pregnant again PLUS 2) the possibility of losing another baby takes such a huge emotional toll...

I am constantly consumed with thoughts about our family, our angel daughter, our potential future children and the possibility of having to find another avenue to complete our family. Constantly wondering if the drugs are doing what they should, if a good sperm got with a good egg and implanted or not. If I am a few weeks pregnant or just waiting for my period. If next month is going to be the trick. Is March 23rd going to be my due date? Or end of April? Or May? Or the summer? Or never again? 

Between my OCD, my type A-ness, my anxiety, and my control issues, this is something that is FAR too big to easily give up to God. I cannot figure out how to not think about it, not worry about it. Not wonder and dream and hope but also be realistic. That isn't my nature and if that is the point of all this drama then that stinks. How do I give it up? Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else also been through something so big that they couldn't do it alone? I can not physically do any more than I'm doing right now. But I don't know if I can emotionally back off.

Next: 27 Needles

Waiting to exhale

Well we are in the midst of the "TWW". This weekend (also my 28th birthday) we will hopefully get a positive pregnancy test, or AF will show up Monday or Tuesday.

When we went in for our day 12 ultrasound, we found 1 medium follicle (15mm) and 4-5 small ones. Ugh. Not what we hoped. It ended up taking another week for me to ovulate, so it's very very possible that by then we had a nice healthy big follicle in there (they grow about 2 mm per day), but still the clomid isn't working exactly like it should. The predictable response should be for ovulation to occur on or very near day 14 with a nice big follicle. Since it didn't give me that big follicle and I didn't ovulate until day 19, next month the plan will probably we change. 

My doc already kind of laid out the plan (which is why I love him, already thinking ahead and being proactive instead of reactive). He's afraid more clomid will give us more follicles instead of one bigger timely one (as desperately as I want a big family I don't want quints...). Next month we'll try femara, which is a drug developed for a very different purpose, but which gives a similar result. If this month isn't successful hopefully that will do the trick. 

I have mixed feelings about testing this weekend. I'm frustrated that we got a good egg in January and a bad sperm is the one that was successful in fertilizing it (I'll go ahead and throw it out there that nothing Louis did or didn't do had anything to do with it and I in no way hold him responsible.  Just bad luck!). Like, if it wasn't going to work out, why let it work at all? It could have been another failed cycle and then maybe February would have worked and I would still be halfway through a healthy pregnancy. The last double line test I got was such a roller coaster and something I am definitely not ready to go through again. I already feel like this month will be unsuccessful, and I'm not looking forward to many more months of all these up and downs. Though if it is positive I will still be holding my breath for 8 or more weeks while we wait to see if everything is ok. Ready for this piece of life to be over!

Next: Not Pregnant

Checking In

(Stolen from someone, possibly Kate Bryan)

Making: Pre-K lesson plans
Cooking: very little. I'm in the midst of organizing the mother of all freezer cooking sessions, so it's super easy stuff for now. 
Drinking : diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored, colored water)
Reading: Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and Birth by Tina Cassidy (I NEVER read two at once but Interrupted's a little heavy!)
Wanting: someone to clean and organize my bathroom for me
Looking: forward to setting up my classroom next week & then heading to Port A with my favorite people in the world!
Playing: Netflix. Lots of Star Trek when I can't sleep. 
Wasting: time. It's 3:32 am. I should have been asleep hours ago like my snoring husband. 
Sewing: the answer should be curtains, but the fabric is sitting on my sewing table, waiting patiently. 
Wishing: we could gut the aforementioned bathroom & start over. (Someday!) 
Enjoying: our house! We've had so much company lately that it's stayed really clean & picked up and it's so nice!
Waiting: for Godot. 
Liking: the feeling I'm getting from prepping for school. After months of feeling adrift, I am back in my element, organized, and in control!
Wondering: if the busyness I'm creating for myself to stay distracted is a healthy or unhealthy coping mechanism. 
Loving: this stage of Carter's! He is doing the cutest, smartest, big boy things & picking up new skills left & right! 
Hoping: the transition from 1 nap to 2 (that I think is imminent) goes smoothly! 
Needing: to go to sleep!!!
Smelling: clean sheets
Wearing: the least attractive pjs ever (imagine long sleeved, collared, button down, to about mid-thigh, in a blue stripe pattern, with yoga capris & socks)
Noticing: I probably need new pjs. 
Knowing: my husband doesn't care. (But I digress.)
Thinking: about way too much as usual. 
Feeling: anxious. Excited. Nervous. Impatient. 
Opening: up a new chapter? (That's an awkward prompt!) I am feeling positive about what the next year will bring!

My low-light reel

So all over Pinterest and Facebook lately I have seen graphics like these:

Which must mean a lot of people need the reminder, including myself!

I definitely have times where I cut myself off from Facebook (see: http://thepalaciospensieve.blogspot.com/2013/03/lintfacebooklent.html) because I find myself discontent with my own life as a result of what others post.

I try, on my own wall, to post things with a healthy balance of encouragement, humor, and realism, without too much negativity or bragging. I don't want anyone (including my child one day) to think he is anything but the best thing I've ever done, regardless of temper tantrums, short naps, or failed meals. I also don't want anyone to think he or I are perfect, because that is far from true. 

Recently I read this blog post (http://www.thehandmadehome.net/2014/06/stop-apologizing-already/) and even though her point was a little different, the gist was so similar to thoughts I had been having over the last few days. I decided to snap a few photos and show you my low-light reel, because stressing about a messy house and dirty laundry aren't why God blessed us with a house and plenty of clothes to wear!

Still not unpacked from Chicago... (I actually did finish unpacking last night!)

All three baskets have clean clothes that need to be folded/hung up/put away!

Because those three baskets are already full, this is the mound of laundry growing in our bathroom... 

This is Carter's playroom. And it is this messy almost constantly. Pinterest worthy, right?

This is our sink, which only looks this way because this morning I spent 45 minutes unloading, reloading, and running the dishwasher, which should have happened when the load finished, two days ago...

I'm not saying we shouldn't clean our houses or worry about such things, but we have to give ourselves a break sometimes! Everybody has something that falls through the cracks every once in awhile. We cannot always keep all of our balls up in the air, that is exhausting. As a follow up to my last post, for me, part of "living in the moment" is keeping my house clean enough that I can enjoy it and not be stressed, but not worrying about making it "perfect". We've lived here for 364 days and there is one (1) curtain hung (Carter's room). I still have a box I haven't unpacked. My bathroom is still not organized enough to be as functional as it should. I still have two crates full of pictures and wall art that need to find a home on the walls. I have bought things for projects that I haven't even started. 

BUT. My little guy is happy. We all have comfy beds to sleep in at night. We have food in the fridge. I can have the house ready for guests in about an hour. We love each other, love the Lord, and are loved by him in return. So everything else is just noise. 

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Yesterday, Louis and I went to the genetic counselor and learned more about the results of the testing that was done after my miscarriage. Baby girl had Turners Syndrome, which is a genetic but not hereditary chromosomal abnormality where there is only one X chromosome present. 

I don't know what you remember from high school biology, so I'll give you a refresher.  Every cell in our bodies has 46 chromosomes matched in 23 pairs in the nucleus. The 23rd pair is the sex chromosomes, and you either have two Xs or an X and a Y. Sometimes, when the eggs and sperm are formed through meiosis (ooh remember that?) the chromosomes don't split correctly. Sometimes one gamete (sperm or egg) gets extra chromosomes (called a trisomy) and sometimes they don't get enough (as in the case of Turners).

The counselor told us this is for sure a fluke thing, rarely happens a second time, and reiterated that there was nothing either one of us did wrong or could have changed. Turners results in a miscarriage 95% of the time, usually by the 12th week. The other 5% of the time the baby girl is born full term, though she likely will be very petite (less than 5'), and will not have properly developed ovaries and will not go through puberty without hormone therapy. They are able to carry children, though they must use IVF and donor eggs to become pregnant. There is also sometimes a learning disability present, and often heart defects. They are unsure why 1 in 20 survive, though they theorize that in the 19 in 20 who don't, the heart defect is more severe and causes a fluid buildup in the fetus. 

I am thankful that we live in a day and age where this type of information is available. I am thankful to have many answers to our questions and have some reassurance as we move forward. I am sad that my instincts that it was a girl were correct, simply because my heart wanted a girl and then we lost her (not that losing a boy is better, duh!), though my sister pointed out that now we know we can make little girls! Hopefully the pink boots I bought will get worn :) I am thankful to know that what happened is very common, and unrelated to diabetes or clomid, and was nothing more than bad luck. I am still anxious to see God's plan come to fruition. 

I often wish that I could speed up time to already be pregnant again, or get through the first trimester, or whatever, but I am trying to remind myself instead to be present in my life as it is right now. To love every moment with the cutest boy I've ever had, to take pride in our house, in the meals I make, in how I dress, to engage fully in every conversation I have with a friend. It sounds silly, but while in Chicago we went to the planetarium and saw a presentation that kind of put human life in a universal perspective. Y'all, the earth is 4.5 billion years old, and has another 4 or so to go. The universe is nearly 14 billion years old. We only get 80 or so of those years to enjoy, and even though we know we have something great to come, this life is pretty great too, and we shouldn't waste it. What are you going to do to enjoy today? Who do you need to tell that they're special to you? What can you change to make your life the best it can be right now?

Ouch

A couple of weeks ago I got a package in the mail from someplace in California, and not expecting deliveries I ripped it open, eager to see what it was. "From Pea to Pumpkin: A Pregnancy Journal" Ouch. Forgot about that. (Side note, it had been over a month since I ordered it- why so long?!) I opened it up for a minute and then closed it and walked it upstairs to the bookshelf. 

Today I got an email from Ovia, which is a pregnancy app I used, but deleted long ago. (I'm uncertain why this is the only email I've gotten?) But this email joyfully announced that I was 20 weeks, 4 days, and could potentially be suffering from back pain as my body is growing and stretching, but as I'm now definitely feeling baby's flips and kicks, I should feel good about being past the halfway point. Ouch. And wow. 20 weeks? Not only would I now be 18-19 weeks away from meeting our baby, but that means at this point I haven't been pregnant longer than I was (clear as mud?). Its CRAZY how little time it takes to fall in love with a little alien-like bean and make plans and dreams for them, and how long it takes to get past the loss. Though the last 10 weeks have gone much faster than I thought they would. Now we're at the point of starting this process again, and I have a lot of mixed emotions. Sadness still, anger definitely (though my counselor told me anger is a secondary emotion), frustration, confusion, anxiety. But also excitement and hope. 

And HOPEfully we will have good news to share soon. Since this is all out in the open, know that we will share as soon as we feel comfortable. I LOVE having people check in with me. LOVE having friends tell me they're thinking of me, praying for me. LOVE the support we've received. But just know that I need to keep this process close to the vest for a little while, so "how are you doing?" or "praying for you" or "thinking of you" are preferred questions/comments to "how's the fertility stuff going?" ;) I'm not a good liar, pretty horrible about hiding my emotions when it's something this big, and when I have a good secret it's hard to not share (just with respect to myself, I can assure you I keep other's secrets just fine)! So if you ask me directly, I'll either be forced to be falsely positive about it, lie, or spill my guts, whether they're happy or sad, and I would rather not do any of those things! 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far! Louis let me edge the yard, so I'm feeling like a boss ;) Now we have to clean house to get ready for Mimi & Papi & Uncle D to come tomorrow! And Happy Fathers Day tomorrow! I'm excited to spend it with all three of the dads in my life, and I hope it's a good day for everyone, in some way.