Laying it all on the changing table

Well here it is. Sixteen blog posts written over the past seventeen weeks documenting our journey to this baby.  Today I would have been 38 weeks pregnant and probably expecting to meet our daughter in the next few days, so it felt like a good day to share this baby girl's story so far.

Start here:

Starting Again

What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive

How Robin Williams Gave Me Good News

So last night while at dinner with friends we learned that Robin Williams had passed away, unfortunately at his own hand. Now I get sad whenever someone you feel like you know and love dies, and especially so when they do it to themself, whether intentionally or not (I also think of Cory Monteith, Whitney Houston, & Heath Ledger). But last night it really hit me hard! I was in tears on the way home & again this morning. Every time I read something I got more upset. And although I am empathetic to an extreme, that's not necessarily normal. Which kind of gave me a clue that something might be going on. 

Today was the earliest I could possibly get a positive test, so I had been waiting until today (shockingly- usually I test even if it's likely to be too early to tell). And I'm pregnant. And this time my emotional response is so complicated I don't even know how I'm feeling. Relived. Excited. Hopeful. Nervous. Scared. Realistic. Impatient. Happy. I already texted both of our families the news because even though it's a lame way to share, I wanted them to know immediately so they could be praying. Because I'm still not good at that. 

Part of me wants to start looking at nursery stuff and narrowing down the list of names (innocent stuff, right?)(and surely everything will be fine this time, right?), but another part of me doesn't want to do anything but act completely normal and uninterested until we know everything is good. I know girls who have had multiple miscarriages. I know girls who have had multiple after a successful pregnancy. And that possibility is terrifying. But that just isn't my personality. I can't not hope. I can't not dream. I can't not look at all the old wives tales to predict what the gender is before we find out for real. I can't not wonder if he/she'll be another mini-me with Louis' crazy boy personality, or if he/she'll look more like him but be calm and meek. We're due around April 22nd (by my calculations), so baby will come by the 15th but hopefully after the 8th. Personally I'd like 4/11/15 or 4/15/15, but we all know how my plans work out...

I am not sure yet when we'll share publically. Probably when it feels right. Definitely after 8 weeks but I don't know if we'll wait til after 12 or not. We'll see.

Next: The Man Who Got Me Pregnant

27 needles

Yesterday I had two doctors appointments. Louis was kind enough to work from home and stay with Carter because one of them was my bi-weekly ultrasound (which Carter only has limited patience for) and the other was my first acupuncture appointment. Yes, you read that right, acupuncture.

I went to a doc in Preston Hollow whom I allowed, nay paid to stick me with needles. 27 of them in fact. I ended up with three in each ear (the most uncomfortable for sure), two in each arm, five in my stomach, and three on each leg, then after 20 minutes I rolled over and he did four in my back and one on each ankle. 

It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't the most fun 45 minutes I've ever had. During the 20 minute waits you have to lay still, and he turns off the light, has soft music playing, and turns on a heat lamp. I had plenty of time to think. I started by thinking positive, hopeful thoughts. "This cycle is going to work." "We are going to get pregnant with the perfect, healthy baby boy or girl (but hopefully girl)(but most hopefully healthy)." "We're going to get a nice big sticky egg." And then I  turned to less lofty thoughts... "Ow, don't turn your head Dana, those ear ones are tender." "Can you believe you're doing this? This better help. I don't know how many sessions of this I can take." "Is this even for real? I bet I could stick needles in people." And then I thought, this is what it's come to. This is how desperate I am!

Desperate. A word that I've used before but now am really feeling and understanding. The only pressure I've felt at any point in this process is self induced, and somehow I managed in ramp it up even more. I'm having trouble undoing that pressure. 

The ultrasound results were very positive. This was our first round of femara, and on day 13 we had a nice 22x24mm follicle. Right where we need to be. We'll know around our anniversary if April will be the month of Baby P or not!

Next: Grief. And a little hope.