What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive

Progress

What's new with the Palacios pair?  Well in the last couple of weeks I have done quite a bit toward making the house ours!  (with more to come in the near future!)

We got a new dishwasher, stove, and microwave (which we are installing tonight):

 

I put together a couple of dvd shelves from ikea and added them to our existing bookshelves and then rearranged and reorganized them so now they look like this:

And no I'm not showing you the rest of the study yet because as a result of the reorganization project the rest of the room is now a disaster... and I have two other bookshelves that aren't shown because like the OCD librarians daughter I am the books are arranged by type (children's upstairs, all non-fiction textbook type materials are next to the desk, and this is mostly fiction).  Louis is lucky I didn't take the time to alphabetize them like I did in high school...

And I got this table and set it up to be our mail center in the entry way.  There isn't enough color here so I'm going to move that welcome sign to another table (that we don't own yet) and add a colorful vase with some flowers I think.  And maybe add some color to the bottom shelf.  I don't know yet, I'm trying to use what I already have and not buy a ton of stuff unless I have to.

And last, but most importantly, I got my CGM today (not July 13th, thank the Lord)!

You are looking at my stomach, and a whole lot of tape!  She seemed very worried that I would knock it off or something.  The gray part is bigger than a quarter, but smaller than a half dollar, and there is a little tube (called a canula) that is sticking inside me to withdraw a small amount of blood at all times.  I will wear this until Tuesday, at which point they will take it and download all of my BG readings.  I'm not positive but I think the way they use this information is to convince the insurance company that I need it and that they should pay for it. =)  Thanks to Jeanne from Medtronic (the company that produces this little wonder) for loaning me her sample CGM and hurrying this process along!

We're camping this weekend so I'm sure I'll have some entertaining stories for my next blog!  Louis has only been one other time and this place doesn't even have a spigot or electrical hookups at the campsites, so this will be a pretty rough addition to his camping education...

Diabetes Rant

Are you ready?

Now I am an *ahem* passionate (some say opinionated) person, and if I am comfortable with you, I am not shy about sharing. I can be rude, but I try so so hard to keep my emotions in check. Part of my problem is that I consider myself a very intelligent and knowledgeable person. Another part is that I am an "old soul" (as my mother put it), so while others look at me and see an almost-25-year-old, I feel much older and wiser than that (or at least more so than the average 25yo). I do not appreciate being spoken down to- nothing riles me up faster.

Today at the endocrinologist's (diabetes dr) office, I met with the new dietitian to discuss duh, my diet, and we talked about what I can do better. I need to eat 7g protein with every meal, I need to eat more fiber (and then subtract any amount greater than 5g from the total carbohydrates), I need to eat more vegetables (but not like corn or potatoes), I need to eat less processed food, I need to eat less empty carbs (sorry pringles), I need to reach for a kashi bar instead of a chips ahoy when I'm hungry, the list went on and on. Louis does not know what he's in for, because if I'm eating this way, so will he!

At the end I tell her that I'm interested in getting a CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor). This is something that will check my blood sugar or blood glucose (BG) 24 hours a day so I will always know what my BG is and which direction it's going. I feel like I'm going to need to write another post to explain all the ins and outs of diabetes, but for now know that my target BG is 90-120. My average is 160, and we're aiming for an average of <150. 3 months ago my average BG was 200. I've done a lot of work, but there are still times when my BG is 300, and times when it's 30 (neither of which are ok). Anyway she says ok, lets sign you up for the pre-test, which basically involves wearing a CGM for a few days to see if you're a good candidate. EXCEPT they only put them on on Wednesdays at 3. AND they take them off Mondays at 3. BUT the next available date is July 13th.

I get a little anxious because that's a month away and at least a whole 'nother month that I am "uncontrolled". And I get a little teary eyed (everything about this disease is emotional for me) and then she tells me, "It's ok, we have plenty of time. We can get it there, you just have to work a little harder." Now I know she meant well and was trying to comfort me, but really?!? I would like to talk to someone who actually has diabetes for a minute and get some actual encouragement and feedback. Oh wait, I have my dad.  Daddy knows better than anyone else what this is like and he has battled (yes battled) diabetes for 52 years.  When I told him my latest BG average (called an A1c), he was so proud and so excited and "a little less worried about [me]".

Moral of the story?  Adios Taco Bueno!  And most of the other unhealthy things I love.  And I'm going to have to spend more time in the kitchen.  And I've got to kick my next A1c in the pants and prove to her that I am working hard.  And I hope they find a cure soon, because though my children are no more likely than a non-diabetic's to get diagnosed, my children will still be carriers, and I would be beside myself if one of them, or one of my grandchildren, was to go through what I go through every minute of my life.