Laying it all on the changing table

Well here it is. Sixteen blog posts written over the past seventeen weeks documenting our journey to this baby.  Today I would have been 38 weeks pregnant and probably expecting to meet our daughter in the next few days, so it felt like a good day to share this baby girl's story so far.

Start here:

Starting Again

12 week happenings

This week we met with the genetic counselor, had our first level 2 ultrasound with our perinatologist, and decided to make our news facebook official! 

The genetic counselor was under the impression we were going to do some genetic testing on Wednesday, but once we talked through everything, we decided not to. The ultrasound part of the test was going to happen regardless, and we said only in the event of that having worrisome results on that would we consider anything else, because I just don't care to know. This baby has had 4 sonos already and will have 8-10 more, so if there is something BIG wrong, we'll see it. Anything else we get, we'll deal with it when we need to. I told the doc I was more worried about my mental health for the next 6 months than having all the facts right now, and that after losing a baby, there wasn't anything we cared about unless it was life threatening. 

So we did the sono and everything looked great. Perfect. The nucal fold measured at 1 mm (1-3 is normal, 3+ is worrisome) and all the facial bones were present and perfect. We saw the brain, spine, chambers of the heart, umbilical cord and blood supply, stomach, arms, legs, hands, feet, and watched her bounce like her brother. Yes, her. Which I'm still struggling to wrap my mind and my vocabulary around. The stenographer said she was 65% sure it was a girl, and when the doc came in for his exam, he said he was 98% sure. (And he's the director for MFM at Presby so he has a good deal of experience!) We still haven't gotten the blood results back (not helping my impression of Canadians...) but seeing it in black and white made it pretty clear. And this doc measured Carter within a couple ounces the day before he was born so he's kind of a MFM god in my mind ;)

A girl. Well. Ok. Yes that's what I wanted. And Louis too. And both our families for that matter. But for some reason I didn't think it would happen. And don't get me wrong, I'm pumped, there was baby girl shopping done within 6 hours of the news. But I don't think it has sunk in. We need to pick a name and I think that will help give her some sort of concrete identity. Some part of me is still detached, and since I don't know how I did that, I'm struggling to undo it. 

Aunt Macy helped me take a cute picture on Thursday, and I decided to go ahead and put it on facebook. Yes I still have 1-2 weeks in this trimester, but nothing will change between now and then. And this news is exciting, and praise worthy, and share worthy. And having all the information fully public will help this sink in a little more and up the excitement. But, on the flip side, I'm not 100% excited. Above 90% for sure, but there will always be a part of me that is sad and worried. And that may be hard to understand. I've had 3 different conversations in the last week that reminded me just how different our experience has been from the "norm" and just like I can't understand how some people are so flippant about pregnancy, they probably think I'm too consumed with it. And I am. Oh my y'all I am. Even though I'm detached in some way, I still listen to her heartbeat most days. This is the third of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given (Louis isn't a gift, he's a treasure I was sent on a journey to find) (aw) (that took me a while to come up with...). I am consumed with cherishing this tiny life and remembering her sister and loving on her brother. And even if it makes me weird, makes me awkward, and overly emotional. I'm ok with that because I know I have good reasons to be weird, awkward, and emotional! 

Weirdness and the new me

10 week appointment went well.  Everything looked perfect.  Next week  hopefully we'll get the gender results and the week after that we'll have our first Level II Ultrasound. (This was the first one with Carter, and we immediately got to see what a rambunctious guy he was going to be! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDI393mHbM)

But its weird.  I realized today that at this point, this baby (#3?) has been "with" me longer than baby girl was "with" me.  And I was sad because I haven't done a lot of the things that I had already done at this point the first two times. I'm not as excited. Still so nervous. There haven't been any bump pictures.  No belly book.  No maternity or baby gear purchases. (Even at a consignment sale this morning I decided to not even look.) We've kind of looked at names but didn't get far.  I've stayed somewhat removed because a part of me expected something to go wrong. Besides school knowing, only about 5-6 of our friends know.  Because its still weird to share for some reason.  I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up.  (why?!?)

It's been 25 weeks since the D&C.  Wednesday's appointment was 25 weeks since the bad news day. If we make it to the end of the first trimester before sharing it will be the same week that we would have met baby girl. If this baby comes at 38+1 like Carter, it will be 5 days after the first anniversary of our miscarriage.

I just know the timing isn't a coincidence.  God had a hand in this timing.  God had a hand in all of this, I know, but he's really making it obvious for me (since I tend to be dense about these sort of things).

I think lately I've been kind of annoyed because I don't feel like myself. And I think I realized today that myself has changed. I am not going to at some point go back to the person I was. I "knew" that, but I don't think I knew that. So now, I have to decide what the new Dana is going to be like. I hope that she's slower - less worried about rushing to the next thing, less worried about getting past "this stage" and more focused on savoring what is in the now. I hope she's hopeful again, because I haven't felt very hopeful lately.  I hope she's kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and present, because my friends were living examples of those things these last few months. I hope she's joyful. Patient would be good but I've never once prayed for patience so I doubt now is a good time to start. I hope she trusts wholeheartedly in God. I hope she's everything her husband needs in a wife, and the best mother she has the power to be. I hope she's less frustrated, less angry, less anxious, and better about standing up against Satan's dark whispers.  It's going to take time, but I think she can get there.

Next: 12 Weeks

Green olive

8.5 weeks

Today we are 9 weeks and 5 days along. Baby is not quite an inch long (aka a green olive, grape, or wild strawberry, depending on which app you follow) and not quite an oz in weight. We have had 7 week and 8.5 week appointments, and this week we'll have a 10 week appointment. Next will come one or two 12 week appointments. Everything has looked great both times, and after last weeks sonogram I started looking for the heartbeat with our home doppler, and found it almost immediately. I have been listening in once or twice a day since just to check in. I absolutely love that sound and breathe so much easier after hearing it! After my appointment on Wednesday I'll have my blood drawn for the gender test, and we'll have the results within a week, sooner if we're lucky! 

It is kind of exciting and wonderful to be a week away from finding out the gender, and only days away from feeling like we're in the safe zone, but it's still more complicated than that, you know? We would have met our baby girl in about 3 weeks. I will have this baby within a week or two of the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Which is kind of cosmically purposeful I think. I knew I'd be feeling more optimistic (and stable, frankly) the closer we got to 12 weeks, and so far that's true. I've also had a couple amazing weeks in counseling, that led to some huge realizations. Even though I don't know where I'm going with the new information, the knowledge has already made a difference. 

I haven't physically been feeling any better yet, but I know that soon I will be and that will help too. School, housekeeping, and mommyhood will all be easier soon! 

Speaking of, Carter is such a big guy. Today he ran a fever just in the morning so we stayed home and just hung out in our pjs all day, and so many things he did made me marvel at him. Not to mention the fact that he has been crawling out of his crib every morning and sometimes after naps, so tonight he's sleeping in the toddler bed version of his crib (fingers crossed)! I think I definitely could have managed a newborn right now, knowing what he's like! He will be even better in the spring and will be such a good helper. He will rub my tummy if you ask where mommas baby is, and will give the baby a kiss when prompted (and in the mood for tricks). Such a fun stage! (Not so fun is the wrestling match we had this evening on the kitchen floor as I tried to undress him before he ate spaghetti, but oh well, it's still two steps forward and one step back!)

Next: Weirdness

What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive

The cat is out of the bag, sort of

So I have never felt this sick and miserable in my life. Oh wait yes I did, 6 months ago!! 

It comes and goes. Sometimes food or water makes it better, sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes laying down is the best course of action. Sometimes I need to get up and get busy and distract myself. Today I have had all of those situations. Woke up, took my zofran (that I started needing over a week ago), and ate a little something and still had to lay down after my shower. Went to school and ate a little something else and initially felt ok but the longer I sat there the worse it got. Then I got busy running around and I was fine. Then I got home and was starving so I ate, and now I'm back on the couch. 

For some people they are so sick (vomit-wise) they lose weight and get dehydrated. For me, I have trouble functioning because I'm everything but vomit-y. Like seasickness, vertigo, and a migraine all at once. I haven't thrown up yet, and will try not to, but I just want to 99% of the time. And I am completely intolerant of temperature- go from freezing to sweating in seconds. I'm basically getting the flu. For hopefully only 6-8 weeks. 

Thanks to all this mess I told everyone at school today. Yes it is super early. Yes I may be eating my words in the next 6 weeks. But it was going to come out anyway when they saw me laying on the floor or breathing deeply through my nose while sipping water and eating animal crackers (because salt makes me sicker). And I was also wearing my sea bands, because 2 zofran hadn't done much.

And you know what? I'm still so happy. Still scared and terrified and anxious and worried and nervous (yes those are all pretty much the same), but excited. Hopeful. Frustrated that my appointment got pushed back 5 days, but I can make it!

Next: Blueberry

Reflections

Today I am 5 weeks. I've had 8 days, about 10 pregnancy tests and two rounds of bloodwork to help process this and I'm much less teary than I was even before Monday.

My HCG was 90 on Tuesday and 498 on Friday, so it is increasing nicely. So far so good. Next Friday the 29th I should have my first appointment with an ultrasound. Won't see much but will be a little more assurance that things are developing as they should. 

Today I've started feeling weird. Not pregnant per se, but certain body parts are sensitive (ahem) and I've been dizzy/lightheaded, exhausted, and had bouts of nausea. We had Mexican for dinner and I felt so yucky afterward. Salty foods really affected me with baby girl, so maybe this time will be similar. 

School starts for me in less than a week, and in about two weeks for the kiddos. I am super super excited and am loving to get organized and pulling ideas and resources. I am meeting with the 4s teachers on Friday and am hopeful to get some good planning done and then will feel a little more prepared. 

I am feeling more centered and calm about these big changes. Trying still not to be consumed with thoughts of the future or specifically with worry, but I am finding myself thinking of the next 9 months with the assumption that there will be a baby at the end. Thinking that by Halloween we will be public with our news. At my sister's and Louis' brother's weddings we will be halfway along or more. That I will do my end of year assessment in April and that I need not be looking for a May field trip idea for school because I won't be there. 

I feel like that's something that will be difficult to adjust to if something changes (just like all of our plans from April-onward have had to change), but it is just the way I am and is probably a better way of approaching it for me. Although part of me is going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next two months, I need to assume everything is going to be perfect and just keep myself busy with school and my precious boy. I also need to remember that I would survive another loss, and we would try again, and if we need to we will adopt. I will have a horde of kiddos. I will!

Next: The cat is out of the bag

Dear baby girl.

Last night, I told my counselor that we were pregnant. (Last week she had told me she had a dream where I told her I was pregnant, so this week I told her she could be a fortune teller!) We talked a lot about all my many complicated feelings about this pregnancy. Joy of course, but currently that is secondary to anxiety and fear. There is an initial innocent assumption that everything will turn out ok that has been replaced by the experience that the world just doesn't always work that way. I told her that in some ways I am trying to remain detached until I get some positive information that so far everything looks good. And her response is though that seems like a good idea, another idea is to approach those feelings head on. She asked how I would feel about writing a letter either to this new baby, or to our baby girl (or both). Although I haven't even begun this letter and I'm already uncomfortable, I'm going to forge ahead and see what I get...

Tiny one,

Even though you were oh so tiny when we lost you, and I only knew you for about 6 weeks, I loved you so so so much so so quick. You see, I felt pretty early you were a girl, and I was SO excited. Momma is a girly girl who loves shopping, pink, glitter, bows, Barbies, and ruffles. I have a special relationship with my Mom & Dad, and was excited your Daddy and I would get to share that with our own daughter. We were so excited about how close you would be to your brother. I knew he would be so good with you and would both protect you and give you a hard time. 

We had to work kind of hard to get you! I was actually sad when your brother was born because I loved being pregnant and loved having him in my tummy. I was ready pretty soon to be pregnant again. After several months it became clear that it wasn't going to be easy, so we found a doctor to help us. We couldn't believe it when we were finally successful! We started talking about names, I bought a double stroller, and even grabbed a pair of pink boots the week we were going to find out for sure if you were a girl or boy.

And yet I had been feeling uneasy for a long time. Every time we would go to the doctor I held my breath until we saw you. Every twinge was worrisome. And I heard your heartbeat at home and cried, because I was so relieved and happy. But then I couldn't find it so daddy could hear it, and I started to worry. The day I found out you were gone was no doubt the worst day of my life. I felt so alone. 

You have no idea the impact you had on our lives. It is extremely difficult to mourn someone who you never met or held, and yet had already dreamed countless dreams for. We miss you and what you could have been. You remind us to cherish what we have. Your big brother is even more special to us now that we know what a miracle we received to get pregnant naturally and not have any problems. Now that we are pregnant again, and dreaming of a new future with another baby, we are approaching everything differently. We are trying to protect our hearts, and not make assumptions, because there is no guarantee that we will meet this baby either. 

And yet there is hope. Hope in that we did get pregnant again. Hope that we will have another little girl. Hope that the fluke occurance that hurt your little heart won't happen again. Hope in that we have one perfect child and more will come. 

October 28th will always be a rough day for me. This October, we will hopefully be announcing that we are expecting again, but I will always remember. And April 2nd and 4th may always be hard too, but hopefully we also will get a new reason to smile next April. 

Know that not only will you never be forgotten, but I have also promised myself never to forget to be thankful for what I have, because I have been given many gifts, and none of them as special as my children. 

Love, 
Momma

Next: Reflections

The Man Who Got Me Pregnant

This isn't going to be about who you think, since I'm not talking about Louis. Now Louis is my baby daddy, obviously. But the man who really did the work to help us conceive is our ob/gyn, Hampton Richards.

I just want to give him a quick plug in case you happen to be in the market for an incredibly compassionate, optimistic, proactive, and empathetic doctor. He is patient with my lists of questions (asks me every time if I have questions, knowing that's how I roll). He is a good communicator, with very good bedside manner, and makes you feel so at ease. He remembers Louis & Carter's names every time. He is a third generation doctor (he works with his dad!), born and raised Texan, whose residency was at Northwestern (not too shabby).

The day we found out we miscarried he had squeezed me in, then shorted his own lunch break to sit with me and oh so gently explain everything. I seriously cannot imagine having to give people that news and he did it in the best way possible. 

He and his wife had their own share of fertility issues and were blessed with twin boys after ivf. He's been there. He understands the stress and emotional toll this process takes. 

He has two nurses who are both incredible. They call me back within a couple hours, often sooner. They are super efficient and they seem to have good communication with him, so they always know what's going on.

The office staff is also super nice and patient. His gynecology office is located across from the hospital (so free parking for yearly visits, yay) and for ob visits you move across the street to the hospital. His perinatologist is Brian Rinehart, whom we saw with Carter and is very kind and always put our mind at ease. (Calmed me down the day I scheduled an emergency appointment because I could tell my placenta was deteriorating and he agreed and told me I would be meeting my son the next day.)

After spending almost 9 years with my previous obgyn, I am sad I didn't find dr. Richards sooner! I never felt as comfortable, as positive, as clear about what was being done, or as cared for and about. I know that seeing a male obgyn isn't everyone's cup of tea, but Dr. Richards is seriously worth any initial weirdness!

Next: Dear Baby Girl

How Robin Williams Gave Me Good News

So last night while at dinner with friends we learned that Robin Williams had passed away, unfortunately at his own hand. Now I get sad whenever someone you feel like you know and love dies, and especially so when they do it to themself, whether intentionally or not (I also think of Cory Monteith, Whitney Houston, & Heath Ledger). But last night it really hit me hard! I was in tears on the way home & again this morning. Every time I read something I got more upset. And although I am empathetic to an extreme, that's not necessarily normal. Which kind of gave me a clue that something might be going on. 

Today was the earliest I could possibly get a positive test, so I had been waiting until today (shockingly- usually I test even if it's likely to be too early to tell). And I'm pregnant. And this time my emotional response is so complicated I don't even know how I'm feeling. Relived. Excited. Hopeful. Nervous. Scared. Realistic. Impatient. Happy. I already texted both of our families the news because even though it's a lame way to share, I wanted them to know immediately so they could be praying. Because I'm still not good at that. 

Part of me wants to start looking at nursery stuff and narrowing down the list of names (innocent stuff, right?)(and surely everything will be fine this time, right?), but another part of me doesn't want to do anything but act completely normal and uninterested until we know everything is good. I know girls who have had multiple miscarriages. I know girls who have had multiple after a successful pregnancy. And that possibility is terrifying. But that just isn't my personality. I can't not hope. I can't not dream. I can't not look at all the old wives tales to predict what the gender is before we find out for real. I can't not wonder if he/she'll be another mini-me with Louis' crazy boy personality, or if he/she'll look more like him but be calm and meek. We're due around April 22nd (by my calculations), so baby will come by the 15th but hopefully after the 8th. Personally I'd like 4/11/15 or 4/15/15, but we all know how my plans work out...

I am not sure yet when we'll share publically. Probably when it feels right. Definitely after 8 weeks but I don't know if we'll wait til after 12 or not. We'll see.

Next: The Man Who Got Me Pregnant

The Worst Day

So we bought a Doppler fetal heart monitor last pregnancy with Carter. Some say that the only thing they are good for is creating worry, but we enjoyed having it. Never panicked if we couldn't find the heartbeat immediately, but for a couple months before I could feel him move it was nice to check in every week or so & listen to his strong heart.

This pregnancy I started listening around 9 weeks, knowing it was pretty early & difficult to find, but last Thursday & Friday I was rewarded with the sweet gallop of baby. But on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and today I couldn't find it again. Logically I knew baby was tiny and easily hidden, but somewhere deep inside the uneasiness that I have felt for weeks (inexplicably) started to grow. And this morning I called the doctor & he squeezed me in.

 He wasn't worried when he couldn't find it on the Doppler either, and during the abdominal ultrasound just said he couldn't get a good picture, but gently told me during the transvaginal ultrasound that he wasn't finding a heartbeat anymore. He said that baby was measuring a couple days behind, which jives with my troubles starting Saturday. He also saw an excess of fluid around baby which is often the case in a chromosomal problem. 

He told me that our situation is somewhat rare. Something like 3-5% of pregnancies end in miscarriage this point in pregnancy, after seeing a heartbeat, but in 99% of cases the cause is chromosomal. Something somewhere didn't come together right. He said for my own peace of mind they can run tests to confirm this. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It wasn't me or my diabetes or the clomid. I couldn't have made this happen if I tried. And this happening does not mean it will happen again. All which is comforting. 

But. 

I'm still sad. Mad. Frustrated. Confused. Disappointed. Not quite hopeless but scared to go through this again. We are doing a d&c on Friday and he said we can try again in 3 months. Supposing we are successful the first month that puts baby #2 (or 3? What do I say?) coming next April I think. Carter will be 2.5. Not bad but further than I wanted. 

I think I'm confused most with the reasoning. I know that God didn't *make* this happen. But why is it so hard to get the one thing I think I'm meant to have? I never wanted to be a movie star or a billionaire. Never felt certain I was meant to save the world or cure cancer. No world peace or going to the moon. I am certain I was meant to be a mom. So why are there people pregnant who didn't try, don't even want a baby, aren't prepared for a baby, and who are, heaven forbid, aborting their babies, and I can't have a sibling for Carter? I know that my feelings are not unique or special nor is this the first time I have felt this way, but for the first time I am terrified. I am scared out of my mind that this will happen again. (How many times can I grieve this way before we would have to stop?) I'm scared that I am forever going to struggle for what I want. That we may get only one baby. That I may not have savored my pregnancy with Carter enough. That I took it for granted. (End pity party.)

Why am I sharing these very private feelings about a very private situation publically? I'm not sure. Partly because after being semi-reclusive as we went through the fertility treatments (which just stressed me out and made it hard for me to be around certain personalities) and then hermit-like as I've been so sick, my confinement will continue for awhile, and that deserves an explanation. I will want to be a part of the fold again at some point, and don't want to have to work my way back into my group of friends because they think I don't like them anymore. ;) I just can't handle much for the next couple of days/weeks. I am not a big enough person to not be hurt or jealous as friends announce their pregnancies in the coming months, and even if we are pregnant again this fall will be especially difficult. 

Also, to chase off any questions about "when we want to have another one?" Obviously the little old ladies in the grocery store or Target won't have read this, but I would like to avoid explaining that if I had MY way, #2 would be arriving this summer, but instead will at best come next Spring.

I have written throughout these last 6 months, and it has definitely been cathartic. Somehow putting it on paper/the screen gets it off my heart a little bit. It's somewhat easier to go through I think when everything isn't bottled up inside. Even though these blog posts have been secret, I have been blessed to have a few friends & my family who know everything that is going on, and that is crucial. I am definitely upset about having to untell my news to those that know, but all the same most of the people that do know are people who are supportive and amazing and absolutely worth letting in. 

I also feel like I have friends who are very sensitive to others fertility woes, and other friends who aren't insensitive, but perhaps naive. It never hurts anyone to walk a little ways in someone else's shoes. So hopefully this gives someone a chance to do that. Not to say, "suck it up and stop complaining about your "miserable" life with your healthy, beautiful, easily-created kids", but then again kind of. I think we all need a wake-up call every so often. I certainly have been less patient with Carter than I should have, and he deserves a better version of his momma than that. It is foolish to waste even one day with our blessings. 

One positive is that Louis and I have already reconnected in big way. I have been frustrated with him for working so much and not helping enough, and he's been frustrated with me for being myself ;) and since he gets home at 6:30 and I'm exhausted and go to sleep by 9:30 we haven't spent much time together, especially quality, actively loving time. We have basically not stopped touching, holding hands, snuggling, hugging since he got home yesterday afternoon and slept spooned together, moving back together every time I woke up too far from him. He is my rock and the one of the big reasons I am functioning at all. 

I am scared about tomorrow morning's d&c procedure. While I know logically that my baby is no longer there, I'm not sure I'm ready to be done. If you're awake and available at 7 am, my doctor will be starting, and even though I hope I'm unconscious (no one explained what happens and I can't handle googling it), I would love to know that I have some powerful prayer warriors with me.

Blue or Pink?

Yesterday I went and had blood drawn for a DNA test that will tell us if we're having a girl or a boy. Apparently by 10 weeks of pregnancy there is a detectable amount of baby's DNA floating around in mom's blood, so they take a blood sample from mom, and look for an XY. If they find it then you're having a boy, and if not it's a girl!

Now this test doesn't look for any disorders, is not covered by insurance, and cost $150 plus the blood draw fees. Definitely a luxury, but since 1) I'm an OCD planner and 2) I DESPERATELY want a girl, it was worth it to us to find out 5 weeks early. We did it with Carter and since all signs pointed to girl for him, it was a good thing. It also gave us extra time to pick a name and let it marinate, since we didn't really agree on boy names. This time again, all signs point to girl, though even more strongly and with some additional signs as well. I am cautiously optimistic, but also trying to go ahead and prepare myself for the possibility of a boy. 

This sounds so awful, and I hate myself for even feeling this way, but I will be seriously disappointed if it's another boy. I know I know, we are lucky to be pregnant at all and are so happy that we were able to be successful. And yes, a healthy baby is the #1 priority, but those feelings are there and they cannot be just swept under the rug. 

After we found out Carter was a boy (which was disappointing as well, though of course you couldn't pay me to trade him!), I read an article that really spoke to me and hit the nail on the head as to what I was feeling. This article (which I cannot find of course), basically said that the feelings of gender sadness are in some ways related to grief. Grief not over the loss of the child obviously, but over the loss of what that child could have been. For instance I've been dreaming of bows, barbies, ballet recitals, bra shopping, ball gowns for prom, and boyfriends, and instead have to prepare myself for sports, stitches, stained knees, stinky socks, shattered windows (thanks to baseball games too close to the house), and sony play station (sorry some of those were a stretch but I had to make the alliteration work!). And I know, girls can get stitches and create dirty laundry too. But still. After only having sisters my whole experience with parenthood is with daughters. I didn't watch my parents deal with boys. I have imagined myself with at least one daughter my whole life. And not having that is something I think is ok to grieve for. And yes, we are having 3-4 kids, so if #2 is another stinky, messy, crazy, sweet, snuggly, momma-loving boy, it is not the end of the world. DUH. But it will mean one less chance to get a daughter. And honestly if we get 3 boys in a row we will probably be done, and we will start saving our pennies to adopt a little girl. So it will also mean potentially one less chance to carry a pregnancy, which for me, even in the depths of my dizziness, nausea, and headaches, would be disappointing, because I love being pregnant. 

Last time I had the blood sample taken Monday after school, and got the phone call with the results on Thursday. This time we had the blood drawn on Tuesday so I'm praying we get the results on Friday and don't have to wait all weekend. I'm lacking supremely in patience this time. I have a sonogram in 2 weeks and I swear the last two weeks have been the slowest ever. Ugh. Wonder how much an ultrasound machine costs... Surely a group of us could go in on it together? ;)

Next: Worst Day

9 weeks

It's been awhile since I wrote, and I feel like an update is due!

Yesterday I was 9 weeks pregnant. Wow. My doc is basing my due date of October 28th off my LMP, and not the date I'm positive I ovulated, which is ok with me because it gives me a few less days! Our c-section is likely to be scheduled on the 20-21st, but if #2 needs to come as early as Carter that would be the 15th. Since I'm weird with numbers I like 10/14/14, (10/12/14, but that's probably too early), 10/15, and 10/20. Really all of them would be ok except for 17 & 19 (odds and primes? Yuck!)

Last time I wrote I was 4 weeks. By the end of that week I was nauseated, and the nausea just kept growing until I was wearing my Sea Bands to no avail, and trying one prescription and then another trying to get relief. I currently take zofran twice a day and drink as much water as I can to combat the headache it causes. Some days I'm almost fine, and then others I can barely sit up. SO different from Carter. 

Other changes include my chest area (ahem) something that also (to my dismay) never happened with Carter. I also crave cold, sweet, crunchy, but oddly salt gives me the weirdest taste in my mouth that makes me feel sicker than I already feel. Even my beloved chickfila waffle fries leave me feeling yucky. I have already gained 10 lbs, which puts me at my Carter pre-pregnancy weight. Totally due to the nausea and my somewhat founded belief that keeping food in my stomach makes it better. I can't button any of my post-Carter pants and several of those tops are too tight, but I can still wear most of my pre-Carter clothes, though I have broken out a few maternity items, including the belly band. I'm sure many of our friends have figured our secret out due to my rapid waistline expansion but everyone has been too kind to say anything. 

My family knows, and a couple friends, and a couple people at Sunshine School.  If we can hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks with the Doppler then I will be much more comfortable sharing. According to my doc that is really the safe zone. We don't have another ultrasound until 12 weeks, so if all else fails we'll share after that, but I'd love to not have to wait that long. 

My new doc doesn't offer the same genetic gender determination test we took last time. We can do it independently though after 10 weeks, and I'm calling to get that info this morning so we can make a decision. We have pretty intense anatomy scans at 12/16/20/24/28/30/32/34/36/37/38 weeks thanks to diabetes, so we won't do any other testing. If this baby has Downs or anything like that it isn't going to change anything and I'd rather just find out at birth. 

I need to figure out what my picture documentation system is going to be this time, and get on it! My body has already changed and I need to start before the 2nd trimester is here! I feel like saying "any suggestions?" but since this won't be public soon enough, guess that's silly!

Next: Blue or Pink

BFP

Which means Big Fat Positive, if you don't read a lot of fertility/ttc (trying to conceive) message boards.

I meant to bring a test with me to Austin this weekend to take Sunday morning, but forgot, so I had to do it yesterday. Luckily I had one "FRER" (First Response Early Result) under the sink, which are supposed to be the most sensitive to the hormones. My period should be coming on Thursday, so this was 3 days early. Not impossible to get a + but definitely possible to get a false negative, so I was cautious as I approached the porcelain throne. I did the deed and then set it down face down. I played on my phone for a few minutes (Quiz Up!) and then flipped it over. Two pink lines. Thank you God. I had told Louis I was about to hop in the shower but needed to tell him immediately. I couldn't wait to come up with some clever way to tell him. The first time he got a photo text of the test, and this time I went upstairs and acted like nothing was going on and then handed the test to him. His response? "What does this mean?". Umm honey, it says right there on the stick what it means! But I confirmed his suspicion and we hugged and rejoiced! His next question was "what's her name?", and while I appreciate his positive thinking, I really am going to do my best to not get my hopes up and prepare for the possibility of another boy. 

And since then we've been mentioning it here and there. Last time I'm pretty sure we hardly talked about it, or at least talked about it as if it was uncertain for several days while we waited for the lab work to come back. If I remember right, I took the first test Sunday morning, had labs on Monday and Wednesday, and the doc (bless her heart) called me Wednesday night. I called my sisters immediately after! Mom and Dad I told a week or so later with a more fun method than just a phone call. And Louis' parents was a month later again with a fun method. This time we are feeling more comfortable I suppose, although I'm planning on waiting on sharing until my first appointment at 6 weeks. I took a dollar store test this morning and it was faint but also positive, and I will probably take a few more over the next two weeks, just to confirm it's true and get it to sink in. Last time I had two rounds of blood work and 2 ultrasounds by 6 weeks, so it felt very real.  

I'm happy. Overjoyed. Thankful. Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Blessed. Delighted. I want to have a good long prayer and thank God for taking care of me. And ask him to continue to do so. But I honestly can't find the words. It might have to be something I hand write, because my brain is going too fast in too many directions to focus on the words I need. 

And update, all last week I worked on my list. I found fabric for the playroom curtains and spray painted every doorknob, towel bar, toilet paper holder and bathroom light fixture I could get my hands on. It definitely helped the time pass! This week Carter has two dr appointments and two therapy related appointments, and Macy and I are working on Bachelorette Party stuff, so I'll be busy, but I'm also going to keep working on the list! I survived the TWW til test day, now I have a TWW until appointment day!

Next: Regrets