Weirdness and the new me

10 week appointment went well.  Everything looked perfect.  Next week  hopefully we'll get the gender results and the week after that we'll have our first Level II Ultrasound. (This was the first one with Carter, and we immediately got to see what a rambunctious guy he was going to be! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDI393mHbM)

But its weird.  I realized today that at this point, this baby (#3?) has been "with" me longer than baby girl was "with" me.  And I was sad because I haven't done a lot of the things that I had already done at this point the first two times. I'm not as excited. Still so nervous. There haven't been any bump pictures.  No belly book.  No maternity or baby gear purchases. (Even at a consignment sale this morning I decided to not even look.) We've kind of looked at names but didn't get far.  I've stayed somewhat removed because a part of me expected something to go wrong. Besides school knowing, only about 5-6 of our friends know.  Because its still weird to share for some reason.  I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up.  (why?!?)

It's been 25 weeks since the D&C.  Wednesday's appointment was 25 weeks since the bad news day. If we make it to the end of the first trimester before sharing it will be the same week that we would have met baby girl. If this baby comes at 38+1 like Carter, it will be 5 days after the first anniversary of our miscarriage.

I just know the timing isn't a coincidence.  God had a hand in this timing.  God had a hand in all of this, I know, but he's really making it obvious for me (since I tend to be dense about these sort of things).

I think lately I've been kind of annoyed because I don't feel like myself. And I think I realized today that myself has changed. I am not going to at some point go back to the person I was. I "knew" that, but I don't think I knew that. So now, I have to decide what the new Dana is going to be like. I hope that she's slower - less worried about rushing to the next thing, less worried about getting past "this stage" and more focused on savoring what is in the now. I hope she's hopeful again, because I haven't felt very hopeful lately.  I hope she's kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and present, because my friends were living examples of those things these last few months. I hope she's joyful. Patient would be good but I've never once prayed for patience so I doubt now is a good time to start. I hope she trusts wholeheartedly in God. I hope she's everything her husband needs in a wife, and the best mother she has the power to be. I hope she's less frustrated, less angry, less anxious, and better about standing up against Satan's dark whispers.  It's going to take time, but I think she can get there.

Next: 12 Weeks

Reflections

Today I am 5 weeks. I've had 8 days, about 10 pregnancy tests and two rounds of bloodwork to help process this and I'm much less teary than I was even before Monday.

My HCG was 90 on Tuesday and 498 on Friday, so it is increasing nicely. So far so good. Next Friday the 29th I should have my first appointment with an ultrasound. Won't see much but will be a little more assurance that things are developing as they should. 

Today I've started feeling weird. Not pregnant per se, but certain body parts are sensitive (ahem) and I've been dizzy/lightheaded, exhausted, and had bouts of nausea. We had Mexican for dinner and I felt so yucky afterward. Salty foods really affected me with baby girl, so maybe this time will be similar. 

School starts for me in less than a week, and in about two weeks for the kiddos. I am super super excited and am loving to get organized and pulling ideas and resources. I am meeting with the 4s teachers on Friday and am hopeful to get some good planning done and then will feel a little more prepared. 

I am feeling more centered and calm about these big changes. Trying still not to be consumed with thoughts of the future or specifically with worry, but I am finding myself thinking of the next 9 months with the assumption that there will be a baby at the end. Thinking that by Halloween we will be public with our news. At my sister's and Louis' brother's weddings we will be halfway along or more. That I will do my end of year assessment in April and that I need not be looking for a May field trip idea for school because I won't be there. 

I feel like that's something that will be difficult to adjust to if something changes (just like all of our plans from April-onward have had to change), but it is just the way I am and is probably a better way of approaching it for me. Although part of me is going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next two months, I need to assume everything is going to be perfect and just keep myself busy with school and my precious boy. I also need to remember that I would survive another loss, and we would try again, and if we need to we will adopt. I will have a horde of kiddos. I will!

Next: The cat is out of the bag

My ugly feelings.

This has been a hard week. We have had family stuff the last three weekends in a row, all involving people at our house, and we are gearing up for another weekend of guests. Louis and I haven't gotten to just relax and check in with each other in what feels like forever. (Not complaining about the company, it's been really fun, I just miss my quiet time with Louis!) Also, I ran out of my Zoloft prescription on Sunday, and was unable to refill it because our insurance is stupid. We are also days away from finding out if we're pregnant or not, and I'm impatient. It is also our 6th anniversary, which has led to some reflection that has left me with a menagerie of emotions... Here are the big three.

1) sad. I haven't felt straight up sad in  awhile. But this week has seen tears. I've seen photos of friends on Facebook holding their littles next to their big belly, and it has made me so sad. That should be me right now. I wanted that so badly. I definitely did not see us being married this long with only one child to show for it. If I'd written out a 6 year plan I would have expected to be pregnant with our third right now!  

2) angry. I've been angry for months now but this week the anger has been different. Not only have I seen a couple of news articles that prove that procreation should require a written exam and psychology testing, but my anger is turning away from the situation and towards others (not good I know). There are people who straight up don't deserve what they get. And that goes both ways. There are great people who have horrible hardships, and bad or mediocre people who everything seems to come so easily to. I know that what's equal isn't necessarily fair and what's fair probably isn't equal, but why? Why do some people have hurdle after hurdle to clamber over, and others just skip right along? I know that some people have things that they're dealing with that we can't see, but I know people who aren't dealing with anything, haven't dealt with anything, and whose life is going according to plan. And this isn't just a "why them and not me". This is about ALL the inequity. I have some friends fighting major, major battles I could use as examples but I don't want to embarrass them. This week it is making me so so angry. (And yes, I know that there is no good answer to all my questions and that's also making me angry) ;)

3) jealous. I'm jealous frequently. It's not a big deal. I think it's pretty common. I don't really get wrapped up in it or become consumed by it. Just a momentary comparison and I find myself wanting in some way (tan skin & voluminous hair get me every time) but I move on. But this week. Every belly, every baby, every pregnancy post, photo, comment, etc. gets me so down in the dumps. And I know some people get it. Some people are so aware of the miracle, the blessing, the gift. But others? Take the whole experience for granted. And I'm so jealous. Of the cravings & aversions, of the swelling, of the weight gain, insomnia, indigestion, heart burn, morning sickness... Because all those things are symptoms of the best thing in the world. Seriously. And if that sounds totally crazy to you then you might want to take a moment and process this. It is a gift. Every time you feel anything that makes you uncomfortable (even the hemorrhoids), remind yourself that you have been given a gift. Because truthfully I would have happily been as sick as I was the entire 9 months (or heck, 18 years) if that meant baby girl would have survived. I would have made that deal in an instant. 

I'm also thankful this week. Thankful for our families. Thankful for some of the very best friends I can imagine. Thankful that while we are struggling to conceive we have a roof over our heads, food in our fridge, cars to get us places, jobs to provide for our present and future, and the BEST little boy in the 'verse. (Firefly reference? Anyone?)

Next: Robin Williams Gave Me Good News

Grief. And a little hope.

There's a girl I don't really know, but whom I know through mutual friends, who recently experienced a very big loss of her own. She and her husband have been committing to adopting internationally since they got married. Not because they can't conceive naturally (I don't know them well enough to know if they've ever tried), but because their hearts are in love with sweet African babies in orphanages. They actually were matched with a little boy, and went through the entire process, went to pick him up only to learn that he wasn't theirs any longer. She had to come home empty handed to a house ready for a toddler.

My heart is still broken for them, and reading her blog made me ugly cry, because so many of the feelings she has are ones I can empathize with. I did not have the pleasure of meeting my child, of holding her, or seeing her smile, and while in someways I think that's harder, in other ways I think it's easier. 

I miscarried about 15 weeks ago. I would be 25 weeks now, and only 3 months away from delivery. That blows my mind. I feel silly sometimes, that something that was only in my life for 6 weeks and two days (how long I was aware of being pregnant), has such a strong and long-lasting impact on me still. I'm going to get my big family right? No matter the method or cost? So why so much pain and worry now? I'm not sure, because that's what I do, worry?

This girl (I want to call her a friend because I've read every blog post but honestly I don't know if she would even remember who I am), has been having guest bloggers post recently. And one of the most recent wrote something I wanted to share: 

"If you have a friend in the thick of grief, don’t abandon them. Don’t put a time-limit on your compassion.These things play out differently for everyone, and no one wants to feel like their grief is taking too long or inconveniencing others. Just keep on with them. Keep encouraging them. Keep crying with them. Keep assuring them this hand they have been dealt really does suck as much they feel like it does. Just be with them. It will look different in every relationship. But forget about time and cliches that attempt to comfort. Hug them. Take them out for dinner, if they feel like getting dressed. If they don’t, bring them a pizza and watch a stupid movie with them. If they want to talk, listen. If they don’t, just sit. Your pretense of understanding is unnecessary. Your compassion for their hurting hearts are what will help pull them out of bed on those harder days."

I have some amazing friends who even though they cannot understand what we are going through, have stuck with me and are still reminding me that they're with me. You know who you are, and thank you!

I'm not "over" this. As a highly emotional, highly sensitive, female with a good memory, I probably won't ever "get over it". And I think I'm ok with that. Time will make it easier to bear. Things will happen that will make the first week in April good again. And the last week in October. I will be able to see an ultrasound, a bump picture, or a Facebook announcement without getting upset. I know that in a decade, when I feel like my family is complete and I'm exhausted by all the laundry, cleaning, and cooking that comes with multiple kids, I will look back at this time. I won't remember it fondly or anything, but hopefully I remember it as a time of growth. Of reprioritizing. Of focusing on the good. Of learning to take advantage of what I have in this moment, and not worrying about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

I bought some super on sale maternity pants today because um $12 from Gap? And because I feel 99% sure I will carry another baby (or three). I will. And as silly as I felt buying something I don't need, I felt kind of good that it showed that I have not given up hope. Even though some days I want to wash my hands of this whole fertility thing and go grab 3 of those immigrant children and bring them home (and then learn more than the 3 dozen Spanish words I know). And if that is God's plan, we'll see it through as well. But not before giving the (semi) "old fashioned way" a good fight. 

Next: My Ugly Feelings