Dear baby girl.

Last night, I told my counselor that we were pregnant. (Last week she had told me she had a dream where I told her I was pregnant, so this week I told her she could be a fortune teller!) We talked a lot about all my many complicated feelings about this pregnancy. Joy of course, but currently that is secondary to anxiety and fear. There is an initial innocent assumption that everything will turn out ok that has been replaced by the experience that the world just doesn't always work that way. I told her that in some ways I am trying to remain detached until I get some positive information that so far everything looks good. And her response is though that seems like a good idea, another idea is to approach those feelings head on. She asked how I would feel about writing a letter either to this new baby, or to our baby girl (or both). Although I haven't even begun this letter and I'm already uncomfortable, I'm going to forge ahead and see what I get...

Tiny one,

Even though you were oh so tiny when we lost you, and I only knew you for about 6 weeks, I loved you so so so much so so quick. You see, I felt pretty early you were a girl, and I was SO excited. Momma is a girly girl who loves shopping, pink, glitter, bows, Barbies, and ruffles. I have a special relationship with my Mom & Dad, and was excited your Daddy and I would get to share that with our own daughter. We were so excited about how close you would be to your brother. I knew he would be so good with you and would both protect you and give you a hard time. 

We had to work kind of hard to get you! I was actually sad when your brother was born because I loved being pregnant and loved having him in my tummy. I was ready pretty soon to be pregnant again. After several months it became clear that it wasn't going to be easy, so we found a doctor to help us. We couldn't believe it when we were finally successful! We started talking about names, I bought a double stroller, and even grabbed a pair of pink boots the week we were going to find out for sure if you were a girl or boy.

And yet I had been feeling uneasy for a long time. Every time we would go to the doctor I held my breath until we saw you. Every twinge was worrisome. And I heard your heartbeat at home and cried, because I was so relieved and happy. But then I couldn't find it so daddy could hear it, and I started to worry. The day I found out you were gone was no doubt the worst day of my life. I felt so alone. 

You have no idea the impact you had on our lives. It is extremely difficult to mourn someone who you never met or held, and yet had already dreamed countless dreams for. We miss you and what you could have been. You remind us to cherish what we have. Your big brother is even more special to us now that we know what a miracle we received to get pregnant naturally and not have any problems. Now that we are pregnant again, and dreaming of a new future with another baby, we are approaching everything differently. We are trying to protect our hearts, and not make assumptions, because there is no guarantee that we will meet this baby either. 

And yet there is hope. Hope in that we did get pregnant again. Hope that we will have another little girl. Hope that the fluke occurance that hurt your little heart won't happen again. Hope in that we have one perfect child and more will come. 

October 28th will always be a rough day for me. This October, we will hopefully be announcing that we are expecting again, but I will always remember. And April 2nd and 4th may always be hard too, but hopefully we also will get a new reason to smile next April. 

Know that not only will you never be forgotten, but I have also promised myself never to forget to be thankful for what I have, because I have been given many gifts, and none of them as special as my children. 

Love, 
Momma

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