Oh the irony...

My child has a feeding disorder. If you knew me in college you know that I majored in speech language pathology. Now without a masters degree (and a certificate & license) I am not qualified to evaluate or write a treatment plan, but I did learn just enough to know when something is wrong. And boy has it been clear for a while that something was wrong. Don't get me wrong, a HUGE part of our problem is stubbornness (where that comes from I have no idea), and now it's clear that he's also picky about flavors, but I also think that it has taken him longer than normal to develop the skills to eat (he never really developed the skills to nurse, so this is a long-term issue I guess).

His weight hasn't been an issue since his 2 month appointment, thanks to the copious amounts of formula he drinks, but that is obviously not a permanent solution. Our second pediatrician gave us advice that several people have now told me was bad, but luckily I have a friend who works for ECI and she got me started in getting info from there. They evaluated Carter before Christmas and agreed he needed therapy, and that started two weeks ago. The day before it started, he suddenly had an epiphany and ate a decent amount of table food at lunch, dinner, and the next lunch... More than ever anyway. I started giving him table food, really delicious kinds, like veggies boiled in chicken broth, and he has done great. He's getting his lateral incisors so we've had a rough week or so, but today for lunch he had turkey and veggies, and for dinner he had veggies, pears, and an entire whole grain blueberry waffle (the waffle was mostly for some calories and to hide the pears under). AND today he finally drank out of the darn sippy cup that I've been offering forever with no success. 

All this to say that once again as soon as I stopped shouldering the burden of an issue alone, and asked for help, the situation resolved itself. This was one of those things where I really felt alone physically. Not emotionally or anything, plenty of people have been supporting me this whole while, but no one is home with me to help with the stress of a feeding. I am definitely ready to be at the point where I plop Carter into his high chair, put a plate of food in front of him, and he will willingly have at it. Since I was a picky child (and am a picky adult for that matter), I don't expect him to be eating lima beans and brussel sprouts, but carrots and beans would be nice!

Next: This Morning

Why I Am Ready for #2

Well... Hmm. I started this post thinking I had a whole list of reasons to share, but the biggest one is "I want it now!" (said in the voice of Veruca Salt, the spoilt rich girl from the original Willy Wonka).

I really LOVED being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, it was not an "easy" pregnancy, but I handled it well. I had the nausea, and exhaustion (but teachers are used to being exhausted so whatevs), and the swollen feet, and my back hurt from sleeping differently, and I had a lot of pain from my gallbladder. Carter was head down by 28 weeks so he head butted my bladder and kicked my ribs for 10 weeks... I went to 37 pregnancy related doctors appointments between getting my retinas checked each trimester for signs of retinopathy, seeing my endocrinologist monthly, seeing the ob and perinatologist monthly, then bi monthly, then weekly... BUT STILL. I LOVED IT. I was overjoyed to be pregnant, and though we were "trying" for 9 months, I had been prepping my body for almost two years when I got pregnant. And Louis and I had been talking about our family since a few months into dating. I missed being pregnant before I had even fully recovered from my c-section. And I've known most of my life that above all else I wanted to be a mom. I really did try not to take any day for granted or complain. There are too many people that would love to be swollen or nauseated for me to ask for sympathy. (Also how I feel about parenting in general- it is one thing to whine to your closest buddies, but I don't think Facebook is a place for complaining about your children. I personally know plenty of people whose fertility issues (mine withstanding) make me sensitive to what I say.) Could the sheer joy and beauty of being pregnant make the Duggar family look appealing? To me, yes! 

Anyway. One of my reasons, and this may be odd to some of you, is that I am bored. Carter has been a pro at independent play his whole life, and does not care if I'm there or not. He does not sit still for reading books, or putting puzzles together, or walking around pointing out new things. No this boy wants to be down, running around, climbing, destroying, moving, banging, throwing, knocking down and generally causing havoc. ;) BUT at the same time, I can't exactly leave him alone for long for me to do anything, so I sit in his playroom a lot. Now you might say, "get a hobby", "read a book", "there are cheaper forms of entertainment than a child", which might be true...

I'm also ready for a do-over. I want to try again at this whole baby thing and see if I can do better! And do it before I forget the first round of mistakes. I mean this somewhat jokingly, but also not. 

I'm also ready to have two of the cutest kids on the planet. Seriously, if your child was as cute as mine, with the cheekies, and the waves, and the lashes and blue eyes, wouldn't you want to duplicate that?!

I also want Carter to start being a brother and sharing before he's old enough to get more needy/spoiled/selfish. Again, kinda joking, but not. The earlier I can work another kid into the mix the less he'll remember about the good old days when he was my one and only. He's already a mommas boy, and as sweet as it is for him to want me and only me to put him to sleep or hold him when he's sick or hurt, that's just not going to fly long term kid! The ob told me that the advice of the American Academy of Whoevers is to have your children no less than 18 months apart. Best health for everyone involved. Now obviously that is not a rule, the term Irish twins exists for a reason, but I thought it sounded good, and so that was kind of my goal. Knowing full well that I do not conceive easily we never prevented and would have been happy to get two that close. Crazy, exhausted, but happy. And though now it looks like they will be more like 2 years apart, I am 25 months older than my sister and the gap works beautifully for us!

I don't know if I can explain it better than that. I'm ready. I want it. I will be sad if this doesn't work and I have to wait longer. Although I've said several times that I will have a horde of kids whatever it takes, and adoption is not out of the question for us, but I really would like to be pregnant at least twice more. Hopefully I'll get to!

Next: Irony

Round 3

So we are 4.5 weeks into Round 3.  (Round 2 was a bust.) I will either get my period on Tuesday or a positive pregnancy test. This round I have less confidence in that possibility since this was another "failed" round, in that I didn't ovulate when I should have. I switched obgyns, and when I saw him on day 17 he did an ultrasound and found that I had a bunch of small follicles and a couple mediums but no nice big one like I should. The biggest was 16 mm, and he would like to see 24 mm. He said he believed I'd been under-treated so far (completely agree) and that he was going to double my dose of clomid next month, and then monitor to see how I respond. He said to reset my perspective to this being a 6 month process, and he is optimistic that this will do the trick for us. He has two year old twin boys that they got after IVF, so he has been through it all himself. He specializes in infertility and high risk pregnancy so he is exactly what I need. I left his office and told Louis "I'm in love". Seriously he is wonderful & I feel confident he will help us.

I'm pretty frustrated at this point that 1) my old doctor wasted my time & when I tried to tell them it wasn't working my complaints went unheard and 2) that we're having to work this hard at all. I am grateful that we have one perfect little blessing, and know that it could be worse, but I'm at the selfish part of the month. It's a cycle. Grieve the failure, reset with optimism, ramp up with hope, wait with mixed emotions, then self-pity when you never get that plus sign. 

Louis is still so trusting of God's timeline and God's plan. I agree that everything God has done for me has been nothing short of wonderful, but I am awful at seeing that while in the thick of things. One of many things I'm working on!

Next: #2

Update

Well whatever that cramping was it wasn't implantation, because 8 or so pregnancy tests and eventually my period confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. It was a rough couple of days in our house. As I told my sisters, when we were trying for Carter it was like a shot in the dark every month. Never knew if we were going to be successful or not, because there was so much unknown. This time, with everything being so scheduled, I feel like it should be like shooting fish in a barrel.  And if I can't do that, how much is it going to take to be successful? Making me ache for people who have to go through years of this and more. I don't know how they aren't just complete jerks all the time. Also makes me angry at people who get pregnant too easily and aren't responsible. Did you hear about the 22 year old woman in Houston who left her three toddlers (3 of 5 total children) at home alone while she went to work? Neighbor found them wandering outside in an apartment complex & going through the garbage. Ugh.

Round two started about 3.5 weeks ago, and we won't know for at least another week if we were successful. Last cycle I ovulated on day 16, and this time it wasn't until day 21. When I tried calling the doctor to talk about it, I of course only heard from the nurse, and she only wanted me to get labs drawn. On day 21. So I reexplained that I hadn't ovulated on day 14 like she was assuming, so she put me on hold and then came back and said we'd do it on day 29... Whatever, another reason I'll be switching doctors. I would love to be talking to the person who knows what's supposed to be going on, not the messenger. I feel like all my googling and reading has me more knowledgable than her, and she's my main contact. Not ok. 

Today for the first time in a long time I was thankful to be the mom of one child. Carter didn't nap well this morning at Sunshine School, so he fell asleep in the car on the way home, and then I woke him up in the transfer, and he wouldn't go back down. And when he finally did, the fedex guy rang the doorbell and Sadie barked and he got up again. Anyway, I went and got him when it became clear that napping was not happening, and we got to snuggle and giggle in my bed. He laid on my chest and had his arms tightly around my neck and was oh so precious. And had I had a younger child who also needed my attention I would have missed out on the sweetness. I would have picked him up, held him close for a few minutes, then put him down in his playroom and moved on. Today I had the opportunity and the good sense to cherish my time with him. I need to do that more often. He is, after all, the best baby I've ever had. Even though right this minute he is angry because instead of 3-4 hours of sleep today he got <1, and he's exhausted and nothing I'm doing is making it better and I can't lay him down for another 2 hours and all I want is for Louis to come home and rescue me. :)

I don't usually think about or talk about the devil's presence or actions, but his work on my attitude of this whole situation has been pretty impressive. He has managed to turn something amazing (my husband, son, family, other many many blessings) into nothing. None of that is enough when I'm angry or sad about my empty belly. Which is ridiculous. I am alive and well and am surrounded by love and blessings and have the grace of God. And I have the promise given to me that God's plans for me are good (Jer. 29:11) and that he will give me the desires of my heart (Ps. 37:4). Whether that be the old fashioned way or in some other way I know that it will happen. God did not make me this bossy for nothing!

Next: Round 3

Progress

And I say that half truthfully and half hopefully. I did get a call yesterday that due to my progesterone levels it does appear that I ovulated. Yay. Ok. That's the first, very necessary step, and the whole reason I'm struggling. Of course that doesn't automatically mean we'll be successful.

Yesterday morning I was feeding Carter and suddenly had pretty intense pain very low in my abdomen. Had I been on my period I would have sworn I had cramps, and had it continued I definitely would have taken ibuprofen, but it didn't last long, and since I'm still 4 days away from a potential period, it wasn't cramps. I am hoping that it was implantation...? Again, since last time I had no idea what was going on I wasn't looking for or expecting any symptoms so I have nothing to compare it to, but the timing is right. According to the expensive pregnancy tests I could potentially know today if we are pregnant, but since I implanted a little late (6-12 days after is normal, I *think* I was 9)(so not late but not early), I'm not sure if it is soon enough to show up. The internet (oh the internet, so many non-medical opinions all at your fingertips) vary but seem to agree it takes a couple of days for hcg to show up in quantities large enough to be measured without a blood test. Maybe tomorrow I'll take one of the middle range tests I got and Saturday I'll try the expensive kind? I don't know... 

In unrelated news, took Carter to the pediatrician yesterday because the clear snot he's had since Saturday turned yellow, and his eyes have been goopy. He hasn't acted miserable, but I'm glad I went in, because turns out he has a sinus infection and an ear infection. Whoohoo. 10 days of antibiotics and he should be good as new. Luckily doc says he should be improved within 24 hours, and isn't contagious. He has been coughing more than he was yesterday morning, so I'm glad I didn't wait to go in, knowing that it has progressed. He's a trooper and has been sleeping well and still playing and smiling, but I can tell he isn't himself. Hopefully the drugs really do kick in quick so my little guy can get back to business!

Next: Update

The dreaded 2 week wait

Since last time our pregnancy came as a surprise, I wasn't waiting to take a pregnancy test. I was actually waiting to get my period, which was almost as annoying, but I was also teaching, so the days were super busy and I didn't actually think about it much. It was after spring break and if you teach third grade or higher in Texas you know that post-spring break is review season followed closely by testing season. Needless to say I was rushing around trying to finish my last weeks of content (it was space, the kids favorite!) while planning my review that would start in a couple weeks. (My review ended up starting the week I started having morning (all day) sickness, so I was really glad that I had already done all of the planning and prep beforehand!)

Anyway, this go around the waiting is absolutely killing me and according to Louis, making me mean. Which I won't dispute. With Carter according to my due date I ovulated on a Monday, and then got a positive pregnancy test two Sundays later, or 13 days. Today I am 8 days post ovulation and still got a negative (which was totally expected, I am taking cheapy $1 tests every day because somehow I feel more proactive that way?) And actually I am just assuming I did ovulate. I had bloodwork done on Friday that should tell us yes or no and I haven't heard back yet. I'll probably call this morning and leave a reminder message. (My doc/nurse is the worst about calling with test results... I'm actually thinking about changing docs anyway and this adds to my reasons.)

Unfortunately my 2ww (2 week wait) started last Tuesday, which was two days before Halloween. Ugh. I have eaten SO much chocolate it isn't even funny. The stress snacking is going to help me put on a few pounds right away. I know I just wrote that I feel more hopeful about this cycle, but I also feel more worried that it won't work and what that will mean. When you're trying the old fashioned way there is like a 30% chance of it working each month. Now I have at least 7 friends off the top of my head who got pregnant either accidentally or the first month, so I have to wonder about that stat, but still, I knew each month that it might work, might not.  I feel like this time I knew so much and it was so scheduled that if it doesn't work I'm immediately going to panic. Poor Louis if that happens. Publically I'll be positive and say, "not this month but I'm sure it will be soon!", but privately I will be falling apart. Hate to say it but I know myself. I luckily have one friend who used clomid, and another who has been struggling with AO like I have so I have two girls I can whine to and who can actually understand. Others are sympathetic but no one else I know personally actually knows what it's like. It's nice not to feel alone in our journey!

Next: Progress

Conceptions on conception

Trying to get pregnant is weird. Trying to get pregnant is hard for us, though no big deal for others. And I'm not just talking about the cast of 16 & Pregnant. And to be clear, it's even harder, and sometimes impossible, for others (which breaks my heart). But trying to get pregnant with the help of using drugs is even weirder than normal. To me, it seems much more possible. As in a higher likelihood of success.  It is so specific, so strategic, so structured. There is less confusion and what-ifs and maybes.

For those of you who have never been pregnant, or don't know the specifics, a human woman is pregnant for 40 weeks, which is 280 days, or about 9 months and 10 days. But actually you get two free weeks. The moment you conceive you are actually already 2 weeks, because they are counting from the beginning of your last cycle, which is roughly 14 days before. All this to say that this month, when I "started" (thanks to the drugs), I wondered if this was week one? And this weekend when I ovulate (which I know because other drugs make it so), I will wonder if I am "two weeks" pregnant. So much different than any other month we have tried and certainly different than with Carter. 

I have mixed emotions about using the drugs. My heart aches for another baby. I have a visceral response every time I hear someone else is pregnant. It's very foolish because I already have the best baby, but still I am anxious to have another little person growing inside and to make Carter a big brother. Will I be upset if this round of clomid doesn't work? Yes, but more so out of fear that it never will work, rather than my timeline being messed up. We are actually starting to try earlier than I anticipated (by 3 or 4 months, not significantly), because I fear that having Carter was a fluke, and I'd rather start early and then find out something is wrong. According to the doctor my blood work looks "normal", but that also means that there is no diagnosis for my issues and therefore no clear solution. She is optimistic that this will take care of us and I am too. I am still very prayerful about giving up all my fear & anxiety in this situation to God. I still wonder if we are rushing God's good and perfect will for us. It is hard to know if we should go eau naturale and trust that he will bless us with a surprise like Carter, or if we are to use the drugs to see his plans through. I do feel certain that God made me (above all other jobs he gave me), to be the momma of many loud, sweet, crazy, God-loving children, and that we will do whatever it takes to make that so, whether that be drugs or procedures or adoption.

This is a rambling post that won't be shared for many moons (aka 10-11 weeks minimum), but I wanted to get my thoughts done while I had them, and not try to remember this later!

Next: 2WW