The Worst Day

So we bought a Doppler fetal heart monitor last pregnancy with Carter. Some say that the only thing they are good for is creating worry, but we enjoyed having it. Never panicked if we couldn't find the heartbeat immediately, but for a couple months before I could feel him move it was nice to check in every week or so & listen to his strong heart.

This pregnancy I started listening around 9 weeks, knowing it was pretty early & difficult to find, but last Thursday & Friday I was rewarded with the sweet gallop of baby. But on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and today I couldn't find it again. Logically I knew baby was tiny and easily hidden, but somewhere deep inside the uneasiness that I have felt for weeks (inexplicably) started to grow. And this morning I called the doctor & he squeezed me in.

 He wasn't worried when he couldn't find it on the Doppler either, and during the abdominal ultrasound just said he couldn't get a good picture, but gently told me during the transvaginal ultrasound that he wasn't finding a heartbeat anymore. He said that baby was measuring a couple days behind, which jives with my troubles starting Saturday. He also saw an excess of fluid around baby which is often the case in a chromosomal problem. 

He told me that our situation is somewhat rare. Something like 3-5% of pregnancies end in miscarriage this point in pregnancy, after seeing a heartbeat, but in 99% of cases the cause is chromosomal. Something somewhere didn't come together right. He said for my own peace of mind they can run tests to confirm this. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It wasn't me or my diabetes or the clomid. I couldn't have made this happen if I tried. And this happening does not mean it will happen again. All which is comforting. 

But. 

I'm still sad. Mad. Frustrated. Confused. Disappointed. Not quite hopeless but scared to go through this again. We are doing a d&c on Friday and he said we can try again in 3 months. Supposing we are successful the first month that puts baby #2 (or 3? What do I say?) coming next April I think. Carter will be 2.5. Not bad but further than I wanted. 

I think I'm confused most with the reasoning. I know that God didn't *make* this happen. But why is it so hard to get the one thing I think I'm meant to have? I never wanted to be a movie star or a billionaire. Never felt certain I was meant to save the world or cure cancer. No world peace or going to the moon. I am certain I was meant to be a mom. So why are there people pregnant who didn't try, don't even want a baby, aren't prepared for a baby, and who are, heaven forbid, aborting their babies, and I can't have a sibling for Carter? I know that my feelings are not unique or special nor is this the first time I have felt this way, but for the first time I am terrified. I am scared out of my mind that this will happen again. (How many times can I grieve this way before we would have to stop?) I'm scared that I am forever going to struggle for what I want. That we may get only one baby. That I may not have savored my pregnancy with Carter enough. That I took it for granted. (End pity party.)

Why am I sharing these very private feelings about a very private situation publically? I'm not sure. Partly because after being semi-reclusive as we went through the fertility treatments (which just stressed me out and made it hard for me to be around certain personalities) and then hermit-like as I've been so sick, my confinement will continue for awhile, and that deserves an explanation. I will want to be a part of the fold again at some point, and don't want to have to work my way back into my group of friends because they think I don't like them anymore. ;) I just can't handle much for the next couple of days/weeks. I am not a big enough person to not be hurt or jealous as friends announce their pregnancies in the coming months, and even if we are pregnant again this fall will be especially difficult. 

Also, to chase off any questions about "when we want to have another one?" Obviously the little old ladies in the grocery store or Target won't have read this, but I would like to avoid explaining that if I had MY way, #2 would be arriving this summer, but instead will at best come next Spring.

I have written throughout these last 6 months, and it has definitely been cathartic. Somehow putting it on paper/the screen gets it off my heart a little bit. It's somewhat easier to go through I think when everything isn't bottled up inside. Even though these blog posts have been secret, I have been blessed to have a few friends & my family who know everything that is going on, and that is crucial. I am definitely upset about having to untell my news to those that know, but all the same most of the people that do know are people who are supportive and amazing and absolutely worth letting in. 

I also feel like I have friends who are very sensitive to others fertility woes, and other friends who aren't insensitive, but perhaps naive. It never hurts anyone to walk a little ways in someone else's shoes. So hopefully this gives someone a chance to do that. Not to say, "suck it up and stop complaining about your "miserable" life with your healthy, beautiful, easily-created kids", but then again kind of. I think we all need a wake-up call every so often. I certainly have been less patient with Carter than I should have, and he deserves a better version of his momma than that. It is foolish to waste even one day with our blessings. 

One positive is that Louis and I have already reconnected in big way. I have been frustrated with him for working so much and not helping enough, and he's been frustrated with me for being myself ;) and since he gets home at 6:30 and I'm exhausted and go to sleep by 9:30 we haven't spent much time together, especially quality, actively loving time. We have basically not stopped touching, holding hands, snuggling, hugging since he got home yesterday afternoon and slept spooned together, moving back together every time I woke up too far from him. He is my rock and the one of the big reasons I am functioning at all. 

I am scared about tomorrow morning's d&c procedure. While I know logically that my baby is no longer there, I'm not sure I'm ready to be done. If you're awake and available at 7 am, my doctor will be starting, and even though I hope I'm unconscious (no one explained what happens and I can't handle googling it), I would love to know that I have some powerful prayer warriors with me.

Blue or Pink?

Yesterday I went and had blood drawn for a DNA test that will tell us if we're having a girl or a boy. Apparently by 10 weeks of pregnancy there is a detectable amount of baby's DNA floating around in mom's blood, so they take a blood sample from mom, and look for an XY. If they find it then you're having a boy, and if not it's a girl!

Now this test doesn't look for any disorders, is not covered by insurance, and cost $150 plus the blood draw fees. Definitely a luxury, but since 1) I'm an OCD planner and 2) I DESPERATELY want a girl, it was worth it to us to find out 5 weeks early. We did it with Carter and since all signs pointed to girl for him, it was a good thing. It also gave us extra time to pick a name and let it marinate, since we didn't really agree on boy names. This time again, all signs point to girl, though even more strongly and with some additional signs as well. I am cautiously optimistic, but also trying to go ahead and prepare myself for the possibility of a boy. 

This sounds so awful, and I hate myself for even feeling this way, but I will be seriously disappointed if it's another boy. I know I know, we are lucky to be pregnant at all and are so happy that we were able to be successful. And yes, a healthy baby is the #1 priority, but those feelings are there and they cannot be just swept under the rug. 

After we found out Carter was a boy (which was disappointing as well, though of course you couldn't pay me to trade him!), I read an article that really spoke to me and hit the nail on the head as to what I was feeling. This article (which I cannot find of course), basically said that the feelings of gender sadness are in some ways related to grief. Grief not over the loss of the child obviously, but over the loss of what that child could have been. For instance I've been dreaming of bows, barbies, ballet recitals, bra shopping, ball gowns for prom, and boyfriends, and instead have to prepare myself for sports, stitches, stained knees, stinky socks, shattered windows (thanks to baseball games too close to the house), and sony play station (sorry some of those were a stretch but I had to make the alliteration work!). And I know, girls can get stitches and create dirty laundry too. But still. After only having sisters my whole experience with parenthood is with daughters. I didn't watch my parents deal with boys. I have imagined myself with at least one daughter my whole life. And not having that is something I think is ok to grieve for. And yes, we are having 3-4 kids, so if #2 is another stinky, messy, crazy, sweet, snuggly, momma-loving boy, it is not the end of the world. DUH. But it will mean one less chance to get a daughter. And honestly if we get 3 boys in a row we will probably be done, and we will start saving our pennies to adopt a little girl. So it will also mean potentially one less chance to carry a pregnancy, which for me, even in the depths of my dizziness, nausea, and headaches, would be disappointing, because I love being pregnant. 

Last time I had the blood sample taken Monday after school, and got the phone call with the results on Thursday. This time we had the blood drawn on Tuesday so I'm praying we get the results on Friday and don't have to wait all weekend. I'm lacking supremely in patience this time. I have a sonogram in 2 weeks and I swear the last two weeks have been the slowest ever. Ugh. Wonder how much an ultrasound machine costs... Surely a group of us could go in on it together? ;)

Next: Worst Day

9 weeks

It's been awhile since I wrote, and I feel like an update is due!

Yesterday I was 9 weeks pregnant. Wow. My doc is basing my due date of October 28th off my LMP, and not the date I'm positive I ovulated, which is ok with me because it gives me a few less days! Our c-section is likely to be scheduled on the 20-21st, but if #2 needs to come as early as Carter that would be the 15th. Since I'm weird with numbers I like 10/14/14, (10/12/14, but that's probably too early), 10/15, and 10/20. Really all of them would be ok except for 17 & 19 (odds and primes? Yuck!)

Last time I wrote I was 4 weeks. By the end of that week I was nauseated, and the nausea just kept growing until I was wearing my Sea Bands to no avail, and trying one prescription and then another trying to get relief. I currently take zofran twice a day and drink as much water as I can to combat the headache it causes. Some days I'm almost fine, and then others I can barely sit up. SO different from Carter. 

Other changes include my chest area (ahem) something that also (to my dismay) never happened with Carter. I also crave cold, sweet, crunchy, but oddly salt gives me the weirdest taste in my mouth that makes me feel sicker than I already feel. Even my beloved chickfila waffle fries leave me feeling yucky. I have already gained 10 lbs, which puts me at my Carter pre-pregnancy weight. Totally due to the nausea and my somewhat founded belief that keeping food in my stomach makes it better. I can't button any of my post-Carter pants and several of those tops are too tight, but I can still wear most of my pre-Carter clothes, though I have broken out a few maternity items, including the belly band. I'm sure many of our friends have figured our secret out due to my rapid waistline expansion but everyone has been too kind to say anything. 

My family knows, and a couple friends, and a couple people at Sunshine School.  If we can hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks with the Doppler then I will be much more comfortable sharing. According to my doc that is really the safe zone. We don't have another ultrasound until 12 weeks, so if all else fails we'll share after that, but I'd love to not have to wait that long. 

My new doc doesn't offer the same genetic gender determination test we took last time. We can do it independently though after 10 weeks, and I'm calling to get that info this morning so we can make a decision. We have pretty intense anatomy scans at 12/16/20/24/28/30/32/34/36/37/38 weeks thanks to diabetes, so we won't do any other testing. If this baby has Downs or anything like that it isn't going to change anything and I'd rather just find out at birth. 

I need to figure out what my picture documentation system is going to be this time, and get on it! My body has already changed and I need to start before the 2nd trimester is here! I feel like saying "any suggestions?" but since this won't be public soon enough, guess that's silly!

Next: Blue or Pink

Regrets

Have you ever regretted something without being exactly sure what it is?

Like somewhere along the line you messed up, and now you don't know how to fix it. Or whether it can be fixed. Or even when you thought you'd done better, you thought you'd avoided past pitfalls and errors, you managed to screw up in some new unknown way that only may be identified with hindsight and a lot of reflection. 

I tend toward the negative, the melancholy, the what-ifs that often never will be and the could'ves that probably never would have been. I'm an anxious, worrier and in my opinion, highly emotional, which is not helped by what we have going on in our lives right now. I tend to worry too much about the extrinsic, without enough focus on the intrinsic. I am sensitive to how others feel, and what they say, and what they do, often to a fault.

All this to say I got my feelings hurt recently. By a small group but one specific member of the group is one who is dear to me and is usually more cautious about stuff like this. And I can't get it out of my mind. But I realized that I am looking at it the wrong way. I have been worrying about what I did wrong. What did I do or not do that I should have? Did I say something? Or not say something? In my mind the fault was mine. And I have been regretting whatever it is that I did that caused this to happen. 

But my baby sister in her infinite wisdom said a couple things that made me turn the situation upside-down. One, "girls are mean", which is both always true and not necessarily true. I think at the root of that is "people are thoughtless". And not in an ugly way, just we all have one perspective from which we live, and to consider other perspectives takes practice. I don't think that being thoughtFUL is inherent. Two, "we're good people". Which is not to say that I didn't contribute to the situation or that I can't contribute to the solution. But to blame myself is... Self destructive? Unhelpful? Unnecessary? I think the blame & regret comes from Satan himself (and I rarely can see his involvement in my life so specifically). I don't think that Satan orchestrated the situation that hurt me, but I totally think he warped my reaction to it. Instead of letting it roll off my back, I got very upset, and let it tarnish a day that was very special to our family.

What am I going to do? I don't know. Get over it somehow. Try to avoid it happening again. Be sure to guard my heart from Satan getting in & creating cracks. I still have regrets. I don't think regrets are bad, as long as you don't dwell on them and instead try to grow and learn from them. Can I do this? I don't know. But I will be praying for the peace and strength to do so!

Next: 9 Weeks

BFP

Which means Big Fat Positive, if you don't read a lot of fertility/ttc (trying to conceive) message boards.

I meant to bring a test with me to Austin this weekend to take Sunday morning, but forgot, so I had to do it yesterday. Luckily I had one "FRER" (First Response Early Result) under the sink, which are supposed to be the most sensitive to the hormones. My period should be coming on Thursday, so this was 3 days early. Not impossible to get a + but definitely possible to get a false negative, so I was cautious as I approached the porcelain throne. I did the deed and then set it down face down. I played on my phone for a few minutes (Quiz Up!) and then flipped it over. Two pink lines. Thank you God. I had told Louis I was about to hop in the shower but needed to tell him immediately. I couldn't wait to come up with some clever way to tell him. The first time he got a photo text of the test, and this time I went upstairs and acted like nothing was going on and then handed the test to him. His response? "What does this mean?". Umm honey, it says right there on the stick what it means! But I confirmed his suspicion and we hugged and rejoiced! His next question was "what's her name?", and while I appreciate his positive thinking, I really am going to do my best to not get my hopes up and prepare for the possibility of another boy. 

And since then we've been mentioning it here and there. Last time I'm pretty sure we hardly talked about it, or at least talked about it as if it was uncertain for several days while we waited for the lab work to come back. If I remember right, I took the first test Sunday morning, had labs on Monday and Wednesday, and the doc (bless her heart) called me Wednesday night. I called my sisters immediately after! Mom and Dad I told a week or so later with a more fun method than just a phone call. And Louis' parents was a month later again with a fun method. This time we are feeling more comfortable I suppose, although I'm planning on waiting on sharing until my first appointment at 6 weeks. I took a dollar store test this morning and it was faint but also positive, and I will probably take a few more over the next two weeks, just to confirm it's true and get it to sink in. Last time I had two rounds of blood work and 2 ultrasounds by 6 weeks, so it felt very real.  

I'm happy. Overjoyed. Thankful. Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Blessed. Delighted. I want to have a good long prayer and thank God for taking care of me. And ask him to continue to do so. But I honestly can't find the words. It might have to be something I hand write, because my brain is going too fast in too many directions to focus on the words I need. 

And update, all last week I worked on my list. I found fabric for the playroom curtains and spray painted every doorknob, towel bar, toilet paper holder and bathroom light fixture I could get my hands on. It definitely helped the time pass! This week Carter has two dr appointments and two therapy related appointments, and Macy and I are working on Bachelorette Party stuff, so I'll be busy, but I'm also going to keep working on the list! I survived the TWW til test day, now I have a TWW until appointment day!

Next: Regrets

I lied

Tonight we conceived a baby girl. :) I got the positive ovulation test this morning and have had an headache and cramping on the right side today, so I'm pretty sure it's for real. I am optimistic since I haven't had these symptoms before (that I noticed), so hopefully the stronger symptoms as a result of more hormones mean a better result...?

I am worried about why I ovulated late. It should have been Monday, so why the delay? Something I will definitely address with the doc if we have to do another round. 

I am not ready for the two week wait. Luckily, today I finalized the plans for Kara's bachelorette dinner/party/lingerie shower on March 7th, part of which involves coming to our house afterward. Therefore, the projects shall begin! Only kind of because we don't need to be spending money on big things, but before then I would like to:

-Finish & hang curtains in family room (plus other curtains elsewhere?)

-Spray paint every gold thing I can to be oil rubbed bronze

-Hang the new entryway & dining room chandeliers (need a professional for the entryway!)

-Hang up more things on the walls

-Hang curtains and art in the master bedroom

-Figure out what to do with Carter and the potential #2 (move Carter now? Later? Start #2 upstairs pretty quick, or like a year in and leave downstairs? Put Carter in the nursery or another room? And what furniture is going where???)

-Paint something (Kitchen? Powder bath? Laundry room? Master bed?)

We'll see which of these things actually happen! Louis was kind enough to move the tv from our bedroom into the playroom, so now I can watch Netflix on the Wii while Carter plays. And he generally ignores the tv so it's working out ok. Once he notices how wonderful it is this plan may have to change. But anyway, I now have very little motivation to get off that oh-so-comfy-even-though-it's-hideous couch! But I have stuff to do! Got to get going!

Next: BFP

This morning we conceived a baby girl.

Power of positive thinking, right? ;)

I actually started the weekend really positive, but now am unsure. On Friday I had an ultrasound to see what the double dose of clomid did to my follicles. On the smaller dose, my biggest was 16 mm, and if you factor in a little more growth before ovulation, maybe was 20? This time I had a 23 mm follicle which also would grow a little more before being released, which he thought we happen on Sunday or Monday. Seems silly to be excited about less than a cm difference, but the smaller one was really on the cusp of being big enough for success, whereas this one is exactly what they like to see. I never got a positive ovulation test though, so I'm not sure. The test detects a surge in LH which usually is what signals the follicle to erupt. I have gotten a positive result the last three cycles, so I am not sure if I missed the surge, or if it hasn't happened, or if the clomid messed with the results. I will probably call the doc in a couple days if I still don't see it and ask for a progesterone test. 

I would love for it to happen this month (just like the last three I suppose, but this time with reason). If it's not until next month then Carter & #2 will be 2 years almost to the week apart, & the next month would be a Christmas baby, but the next cycle after that seems so far away. Anyway, the doc is feeling positive, but I am on the fence. 

Carter is teething, and either has a cold or allergies, which have lasted almost a month. He's had fever here & there (thrice!), but the doc said he didn't see any signs of infection, just a cold. Hopefully he's on the mend because he hasn't been eating well and I am losing patience. Not with him in general, with the feeding. Things that he had been eating well are now of no interest and I'm running out of ideas! His therapist comes tomorrow and a dietician on Friday, so hopefully they have some ideas. I still am thankful that if I could have either a good sleeper or a good eater I got the good sleeper (generally), but this is the pits. Getting old real fast kid...!

Next: I Lied