Blue or Pink?

Yesterday I went and had blood drawn for a DNA test that will tell us if we're having a girl or a boy. Apparently by 10 weeks of pregnancy there is a detectable amount of baby's DNA floating around in mom's blood, so they take a blood sample from mom, and look for an XY. If they find it then you're having a boy, and if not it's a girl!

Now this test doesn't look for any disorders, is not covered by insurance, and cost $150 plus the blood draw fees. Definitely a luxury, but since 1) I'm an OCD planner and 2) I DESPERATELY want a girl, it was worth it to us to find out 5 weeks early. We did it with Carter and since all signs pointed to girl for him, it was a good thing. It also gave us extra time to pick a name and let it marinate, since we didn't really agree on boy names. This time again, all signs point to girl, though even more strongly and with some additional signs as well. I am cautiously optimistic, but also trying to go ahead and prepare myself for the possibility of a boy. 

This sounds so awful, and I hate myself for even feeling this way, but I will be seriously disappointed if it's another boy. I know I know, we are lucky to be pregnant at all and are so happy that we were able to be successful. And yes, a healthy baby is the #1 priority, but those feelings are there and they cannot be just swept under the rug. 

After we found out Carter was a boy (which was disappointing as well, though of course you couldn't pay me to trade him!), I read an article that really spoke to me and hit the nail on the head as to what I was feeling. This article (which I cannot find of course), basically said that the feelings of gender sadness are in some ways related to grief. Grief not over the loss of the child obviously, but over the loss of what that child could have been. For instance I've been dreaming of bows, barbies, ballet recitals, bra shopping, ball gowns for prom, and boyfriends, and instead have to prepare myself for sports, stitches, stained knees, stinky socks, shattered windows (thanks to baseball games too close to the house), and sony play station (sorry some of those were a stretch but I had to make the alliteration work!). And I know, girls can get stitches and create dirty laundry too. But still. After only having sisters my whole experience with parenthood is with daughters. I didn't watch my parents deal with boys. I have imagined myself with at least one daughter my whole life. And not having that is something I think is ok to grieve for. And yes, we are having 3-4 kids, so if #2 is another stinky, messy, crazy, sweet, snuggly, momma-loving boy, it is not the end of the world. DUH. But it will mean one less chance to get a daughter. And honestly if we get 3 boys in a row we will probably be done, and we will start saving our pennies to adopt a little girl. So it will also mean potentially one less chance to carry a pregnancy, which for me, even in the depths of my dizziness, nausea, and headaches, would be disappointing, because I love being pregnant. 

Last time I had the blood sample taken Monday after school, and got the phone call with the results on Thursday. This time we had the blood drawn on Tuesday so I'm praying we get the results on Friday and don't have to wait all weekend. I'm lacking supremely in patience this time. I have a sonogram in 2 weeks and I swear the last two weeks have been the slowest ever. Ugh. Wonder how much an ultrasound machine costs... Surely a group of us could go in on it together? ;)

Next: Worst Day