Regrets

Have you ever regretted something without being exactly sure what it is?

Like somewhere along the line you messed up, and now you don't know how to fix it. Or whether it can be fixed. Or even when you thought you'd done better, you thought you'd avoided past pitfalls and errors, you managed to screw up in some new unknown way that only may be identified with hindsight and a lot of reflection. 

I tend toward the negative, the melancholy, the what-ifs that often never will be and the could'ves that probably never would have been. I'm an anxious, worrier and in my opinion, highly emotional, which is not helped by what we have going on in our lives right now. I tend to worry too much about the extrinsic, without enough focus on the intrinsic. I am sensitive to how others feel, and what they say, and what they do, often to a fault.

All this to say I got my feelings hurt recently. By a small group but one specific member of the group is one who is dear to me and is usually more cautious about stuff like this. And I can't get it out of my mind. But I realized that I am looking at it the wrong way. I have been worrying about what I did wrong. What did I do or not do that I should have? Did I say something? Or not say something? In my mind the fault was mine. And I have been regretting whatever it is that I did that caused this to happen. 

But my baby sister in her infinite wisdom said a couple things that made me turn the situation upside-down. One, "girls are mean", which is both always true and not necessarily true. I think at the root of that is "people are thoughtless". And not in an ugly way, just we all have one perspective from which we live, and to consider other perspectives takes practice. I don't think that being thoughtFUL is inherent. Two, "we're good people". Which is not to say that I didn't contribute to the situation or that I can't contribute to the solution. But to blame myself is... Self destructive? Unhelpful? Unnecessary? I think the blame & regret comes from Satan himself (and I rarely can see his involvement in my life so specifically). I don't think that Satan orchestrated the situation that hurt me, but I totally think he warped my reaction to it. Instead of letting it roll off my back, I got very upset, and let it tarnish a day that was very special to our family.

What am I going to do? I don't know. Get over it somehow. Try to avoid it happening again. Be sure to guard my heart from Satan getting in & creating cracks. I still have regrets. I don't think regrets are bad, as long as you don't dwell on them and instead try to grow and learn from them. Can I do this? I don't know. But I will be praying for the peace and strength to do so!

Next: 9 Weeks