Regrets

Have you ever regretted something without being exactly sure what it is?

Like somewhere along the line you messed up, and now you don't know how to fix it. Or whether it can be fixed. Or even when you thought you'd done better, you thought you'd avoided past pitfalls and errors, you managed to screw up in some new unknown way that only may be identified with hindsight and a lot of reflection. 

I tend toward the negative, the melancholy, the what-ifs that often never will be and the could'ves that probably never would have been. I'm an anxious, worrier and in my opinion, highly emotional, which is not helped by what we have going on in our lives right now. I tend to worry too much about the extrinsic, without enough focus on the intrinsic. I am sensitive to how others feel, and what they say, and what they do, often to a fault.

All this to say I got my feelings hurt recently. By a small group but one specific member of the group is one who is dear to me and is usually more cautious about stuff like this. And I can't get it out of my mind. But I realized that I am looking at it the wrong way. I have been worrying about what I did wrong. What did I do or not do that I should have? Did I say something? Or not say something? In my mind the fault was mine. And I have been regretting whatever it is that I did that caused this to happen. 

But my baby sister in her infinite wisdom said a couple things that made me turn the situation upside-down. One, "girls are mean", which is both always true and not necessarily true. I think at the root of that is "people are thoughtless". And not in an ugly way, just we all have one perspective from which we live, and to consider other perspectives takes practice. I don't think that being thoughtFUL is inherent. Two, "we're good people". Which is not to say that I didn't contribute to the situation or that I can't contribute to the solution. But to blame myself is... Self destructive? Unhelpful? Unnecessary? I think the blame & regret comes from Satan himself (and I rarely can see his involvement in my life so specifically). I don't think that Satan orchestrated the situation that hurt me, but I totally think he warped my reaction to it. Instead of letting it roll off my back, I got very upset, and let it tarnish a day that was very special to our family.

What am I going to do? I don't know. Get over it somehow. Try to avoid it happening again. Be sure to guard my heart from Satan getting in & creating cracks. I still have regrets. I don't think regrets are bad, as long as you don't dwell on them and instead try to grow and learn from them. Can I do this? I don't know. But I will be praying for the peace and strength to do so!

Next: 9 Weeks

BFP

Which means Big Fat Positive, if you don't read a lot of fertility/ttc (trying to conceive) message boards.

I meant to bring a test with me to Austin this weekend to take Sunday morning, but forgot, so I had to do it yesterday. Luckily I had one "FRER" (First Response Early Result) under the sink, which are supposed to be the most sensitive to the hormones. My period should be coming on Thursday, so this was 3 days early. Not impossible to get a + but definitely possible to get a false negative, so I was cautious as I approached the porcelain throne. I did the deed and then set it down face down. I played on my phone for a few minutes (Quiz Up!) and then flipped it over. Two pink lines. Thank you God. I had told Louis I was about to hop in the shower but needed to tell him immediately. I couldn't wait to come up with some clever way to tell him. The first time he got a photo text of the test, and this time I went upstairs and acted like nothing was going on and then handed the test to him. His response? "What does this mean?". Umm honey, it says right there on the stick what it means! But I confirmed his suspicion and we hugged and rejoiced! His next question was "what's her name?", and while I appreciate his positive thinking, I really am going to do my best to not get my hopes up and prepare for the possibility of another boy. 

And since then we've been mentioning it here and there. Last time I'm pretty sure we hardly talked about it, or at least talked about it as if it was uncertain for several days while we waited for the lab work to come back. If I remember right, I took the first test Sunday morning, had labs on Monday and Wednesday, and the doc (bless her heart) called me Wednesday night. I called my sisters immediately after! Mom and Dad I told a week or so later with a more fun method than just a phone call. And Louis' parents was a month later again with a fun method. This time we are feeling more comfortable I suppose, although I'm planning on waiting on sharing until my first appointment at 6 weeks. I took a dollar store test this morning and it was faint but also positive, and I will probably take a few more over the next two weeks, just to confirm it's true and get it to sink in. Last time I had two rounds of blood work and 2 ultrasounds by 6 weeks, so it felt very real.  

I'm happy. Overjoyed. Thankful. Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Blessed. Delighted. I want to have a good long prayer and thank God for taking care of me. And ask him to continue to do so. But I honestly can't find the words. It might have to be something I hand write, because my brain is going too fast in too many directions to focus on the words I need. 

And update, all last week I worked on my list. I found fabric for the playroom curtains and spray painted every doorknob, towel bar, toilet paper holder and bathroom light fixture I could get my hands on. It definitely helped the time pass! This week Carter has two dr appointments and two therapy related appointments, and Macy and I are working on Bachelorette Party stuff, so I'll be busy, but I'm also going to keep working on the list! I survived the TWW til test day, now I have a TWW until appointment day!

Next: Regrets

I lied

Tonight we conceived a baby girl. :) I got the positive ovulation test this morning and have had an headache and cramping on the right side today, so I'm pretty sure it's for real. I am optimistic since I haven't had these symptoms before (that I noticed), so hopefully the stronger symptoms as a result of more hormones mean a better result...?

I am worried about why I ovulated late. It should have been Monday, so why the delay? Something I will definitely address with the doc if we have to do another round. 

I am not ready for the two week wait. Luckily, today I finalized the plans for Kara's bachelorette dinner/party/lingerie shower on March 7th, part of which involves coming to our house afterward. Therefore, the projects shall begin! Only kind of because we don't need to be spending money on big things, but before then I would like to:

-Finish & hang curtains in family room (plus other curtains elsewhere?)

-Spray paint every gold thing I can to be oil rubbed bronze

-Hang the new entryway & dining room chandeliers (need a professional for the entryway!)

-Hang up more things on the walls

-Hang curtains and art in the master bedroom

-Figure out what to do with Carter and the potential #2 (move Carter now? Later? Start #2 upstairs pretty quick, or like a year in and leave downstairs? Put Carter in the nursery or another room? And what furniture is going where???)

-Paint something (Kitchen? Powder bath? Laundry room? Master bed?)

We'll see which of these things actually happen! Louis was kind enough to move the tv from our bedroom into the playroom, so now I can watch Netflix on the Wii while Carter plays. And he generally ignores the tv so it's working out ok. Once he notices how wonderful it is this plan may have to change. But anyway, I now have very little motivation to get off that oh-so-comfy-even-though-it's-hideous couch! But I have stuff to do! Got to get going!

Next: BFP

This morning we conceived a baby girl.

Power of positive thinking, right? ;)

I actually started the weekend really positive, but now am unsure. On Friday I had an ultrasound to see what the double dose of clomid did to my follicles. On the smaller dose, my biggest was 16 mm, and if you factor in a little more growth before ovulation, maybe was 20? This time I had a 23 mm follicle which also would grow a little more before being released, which he thought we happen on Sunday or Monday. Seems silly to be excited about less than a cm difference, but the smaller one was really on the cusp of being big enough for success, whereas this one is exactly what they like to see. I never got a positive ovulation test though, so I'm not sure. The test detects a surge in LH which usually is what signals the follicle to erupt. I have gotten a positive result the last three cycles, so I am not sure if I missed the surge, or if it hasn't happened, or if the clomid messed with the results. I will probably call the doc in a couple days if I still don't see it and ask for a progesterone test. 

I would love for it to happen this month (just like the last three I suppose, but this time with reason). If it's not until next month then Carter & #2 will be 2 years almost to the week apart, & the next month would be a Christmas baby, but the next cycle after that seems so far away. Anyway, the doc is feeling positive, but I am on the fence. 

Carter is teething, and either has a cold or allergies, which have lasted almost a month. He's had fever here & there (thrice!), but the doc said he didn't see any signs of infection, just a cold. Hopefully he's on the mend because he hasn't been eating well and I am losing patience. Not with him in general, with the feeding. Things that he had been eating well are now of no interest and I'm running out of ideas! His therapist comes tomorrow and a dietician on Friday, so hopefully they have some ideas. I still am thankful that if I could have either a good sleeper or a good eater I got the good sleeper (generally), but this is the pits. Getting old real fast kid...!

Next: I Lied

Oh the irony...

My child has a feeding disorder. If you knew me in college you know that I majored in speech language pathology. Now without a masters degree (and a certificate & license) I am not qualified to evaluate or write a treatment plan, but I did learn just enough to know when something is wrong. And boy has it been clear for a while that something was wrong. Don't get me wrong, a HUGE part of our problem is stubbornness (where that comes from I have no idea), and now it's clear that he's also picky about flavors, but I also think that it has taken him longer than normal to develop the skills to eat (he never really developed the skills to nurse, so this is a long-term issue I guess).

His weight hasn't been an issue since his 2 month appointment, thanks to the copious amounts of formula he drinks, but that is obviously not a permanent solution. Our second pediatrician gave us advice that several people have now told me was bad, but luckily I have a friend who works for ECI and she got me started in getting info from there. They evaluated Carter before Christmas and agreed he needed therapy, and that started two weeks ago. The day before it started, he suddenly had an epiphany and ate a decent amount of table food at lunch, dinner, and the next lunch... More than ever anyway. I started giving him table food, really delicious kinds, like veggies boiled in chicken broth, and he has done great. He's getting his lateral incisors so we've had a rough week or so, but today for lunch he had turkey and veggies, and for dinner he had veggies, pears, and an entire whole grain blueberry waffle (the waffle was mostly for some calories and to hide the pears under). AND today he finally drank out of the darn sippy cup that I've been offering forever with no success. 

All this to say that once again as soon as I stopped shouldering the burden of an issue alone, and asked for help, the situation resolved itself. This was one of those things where I really felt alone physically. Not emotionally or anything, plenty of people have been supporting me this whole while, but no one is home with me to help with the stress of a feeding. I am definitely ready to be at the point where I plop Carter into his high chair, put a plate of food in front of him, and he will willingly have at it. Since I was a picky child (and am a picky adult for that matter), I don't expect him to be eating lima beans and brussel sprouts, but carrots and beans would be nice!

Next: This Morning

Why I Am Ready for #2

Well... Hmm. I started this post thinking I had a whole list of reasons to share, but the biggest one is "I want it now!" (said in the voice of Veruca Salt, the spoilt rich girl from the original Willy Wonka).

I really LOVED being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, it was not an "easy" pregnancy, but I handled it well. I had the nausea, and exhaustion (but teachers are used to being exhausted so whatevs), and the swollen feet, and my back hurt from sleeping differently, and I had a lot of pain from my gallbladder. Carter was head down by 28 weeks so he head butted my bladder and kicked my ribs for 10 weeks... I went to 37 pregnancy related doctors appointments between getting my retinas checked each trimester for signs of retinopathy, seeing my endocrinologist monthly, seeing the ob and perinatologist monthly, then bi monthly, then weekly... BUT STILL. I LOVED IT. I was overjoyed to be pregnant, and though we were "trying" for 9 months, I had been prepping my body for almost two years when I got pregnant. And Louis and I had been talking about our family since a few months into dating. I missed being pregnant before I had even fully recovered from my c-section. And I've known most of my life that above all else I wanted to be a mom. I really did try not to take any day for granted or complain. There are too many people that would love to be swollen or nauseated for me to ask for sympathy. (Also how I feel about parenting in general- it is one thing to whine to your closest buddies, but I don't think Facebook is a place for complaining about your children. I personally know plenty of people whose fertility issues (mine withstanding) make me sensitive to what I say.) Could the sheer joy and beauty of being pregnant make the Duggar family look appealing? To me, yes! 

Anyway. One of my reasons, and this may be odd to some of you, is that I am bored. Carter has been a pro at independent play his whole life, and does not care if I'm there or not. He does not sit still for reading books, or putting puzzles together, or walking around pointing out new things. No this boy wants to be down, running around, climbing, destroying, moving, banging, throwing, knocking down and generally causing havoc. ;) BUT at the same time, I can't exactly leave him alone for long for me to do anything, so I sit in his playroom a lot. Now you might say, "get a hobby", "read a book", "there are cheaper forms of entertainment than a child", which might be true...

I'm also ready for a do-over. I want to try again at this whole baby thing and see if I can do better! And do it before I forget the first round of mistakes. I mean this somewhat jokingly, but also not. 

I'm also ready to have two of the cutest kids on the planet. Seriously, if your child was as cute as mine, with the cheekies, and the waves, and the lashes and blue eyes, wouldn't you want to duplicate that?!

I also want Carter to start being a brother and sharing before he's old enough to get more needy/spoiled/selfish. Again, kinda joking, but not. The earlier I can work another kid into the mix the less he'll remember about the good old days when he was my one and only. He's already a mommas boy, and as sweet as it is for him to want me and only me to put him to sleep or hold him when he's sick or hurt, that's just not going to fly long term kid! The ob told me that the advice of the American Academy of Whoevers is to have your children no less than 18 months apart. Best health for everyone involved. Now obviously that is not a rule, the term Irish twins exists for a reason, but I thought it sounded good, and so that was kind of my goal. Knowing full well that I do not conceive easily we never prevented and would have been happy to get two that close. Crazy, exhausted, but happy. And though now it looks like they will be more like 2 years apart, I am 25 months older than my sister and the gap works beautifully for us!

I don't know if I can explain it better than that. I'm ready. I want it. I will be sad if this doesn't work and I have to wait longer. Although I've said several times that I will have a horde of kids whatever it takes, and adoption is not out of the question for us, but I really would like to be pregnant at least twice more. Hopefully I'll get to!

Next: Irony

Round 3

So we are 4.5 weeks into Round 3.  (Round 2 was a bust.) I will either get my period on Tuesday or a positive pregnancy test. This round I have less confidence in that possibility since this was another "failed" round, in that I didn't ovulate when I should have. I switched obgyns, and when I saw him on day 17 he did an ultrasound and found that I had a bunch of small follicles and a couple mediums but no nice big one like I should. The biggest was 16 mm, and he would like to see 24 mm. He said he believed I'd been under-treated so far (completely agree) and that he was going to double my dose of clomid next month, and then monitor to see how I respond. He said to reset my perspective to this being a 6 month process, and he is optimistic that this will do the trick for us. He has two year old twin boys that they got after IVF, so he has been through it all himself. He specializes in infertility and high risk pregnancy so he is exactly what I need. I left his office and told Louis "I'm in love". Seriously he is wonderful & I feel confident he will help us.

I'm pretty frustrated at this point that 1) my old doctor wasted my time & when I tried to tell them it wasn't working my complaints went unheard and 2) that we're having to work this hard at all. I am grateful that we have one perfect little blessing, and know that it could be worse, but I'm at the selfish part of the month. It's a cycle. Grieve the failure, reset with optimism, ramp up with hope, wait with mixed emotions, then self-pity when you never get that plus sign. 

Louis is still so trusting of God's timeline and God's plan. I agree that everything God has done for me has been nothing short of wonderful, but I am awful at seeing that while in the thick of things. One of many things I'm working on!

Next: #2