Baby's got a name & birthday!

How far along: 18 weeks (and a few days)

Total weight gain: 5 lbs

Baby is the size of a: Sweet potato

Best picture from a few weeks ago- she was a moving and a grooving and the only pics we have of her face are straight on which I call the alien face- not cute.

Maternity clothes: 100% in maternity pants & shirts are 50/50

Sleep: still getting as much as I can. Pulled out the pregnacy pillow last week and it's been lovely. Unfortunately we can add Charlie horses to the heartburn baby girl is causing!

Miss anything? The ability to put on pants and shoes without feeling like I need to rest a minute. I definitely wasn't this worn out this early with Carter!

Movement: I've been feeling her for the last week or two, and starting on Sunday she's been moving hard enough for Louis to feel too. We're both pretty enamored :)

Food cravings: sweet and cold still, which has resulted in quite a bit of Blue Bell consumed, especially since Peppermint is back and we have a big freezer in the garage with which to stock up!!! (And one doc told me I needed >2000 calories a day and the other told me he would be comfortable with me gaining 10 lbs by 20 weeks [aka 5 lbs in 2 weeks!] and 25-30 by delivery, even more if my blood sugars were good, so I'm feeling like I've got a little bit more wiggle room than I normally allow myself!)

Anything making you queasy or sick: still salty foods 

Have you started to show yet: for sure. Some cuts of tops disguise it decently, but most of my tops can't hide it anymore (not that I'm trying)!

I never know what to do with my hands or expression in these photos...

For reference Left is me at 18 weeks this time, and Right is me at 23 weeks with Carter... I might actually look 9 months by 9 months this time!

Other physical changes: my gums started bleeding this week which was surprising (even though my mom had warned me!) and a little gross

Gender: still a girl! Name is officially Carrie Evelyn! My mother's, mother's mother (my great grandmother) was Carrie Evelyn Peck, and I have loved it for a long long time. I loved it even more when I recently found out that Carrie means "dear" and Evelyn means "longed for child". It's been at the top of our list the whole time, I just took my time committing to it! 

Mood: good! Much less patient than I was with Carter... (About waiting 137 more days to meet her! Is that not FOREVER away?!? Maybe it's just because this time I know all the sweet goodness that is coming!)

Best moment of the week: Sharing her movement with Louis and picking her birthday! April 8th here we come! 

Looking forward to: Thanksgiving break next week- a full week of time with our families and lots of good food!

Laying it all on the changing table

Well here it is. Sixteen blog posts written over the past seventeen weeks documenting our journey to this baby.  Today I would have been 38 weeks pregnant and probably expecting to meet our daughter in the next few days, so it felt like a good day to share this baby girl's story so far.

Start here:

Starting Again

12 week happenings

This week we met with the genetic counselor, had our first level 2 ultrasound with our perinatologist, and decided to make our news facebook official! 

The genetic counselor was under the impression we were going to do some genetic testing on Wednesday, but once we talked through everything, we decided not to. The ultrasound part of the test was going to happen regardless, and we said only in the event of that having worrisome results on that would we consider anything else, because I just don't care to know. This baby has had 4 sonos already and will have 8-10 more, so if there is something BIG wrong, we'll see it. Anything else we get, we'll deal with it when we need to. I told the doc I was more worried about my mental health for the next 6 months than having all the facts right now, and that after losing a baby, there wasn't anything we cared about unless it was life threatening. 

So we did the sono and everything looked great. Perfect. The nucal fold measured at 1 mm (1-3 is normal, 3+ is worrisome) and all the facial bones were present and perfect. We saw the brain, spine, chambers of the heart, umbilical cord and blood supply, stomach, arms, legs, hands, feet, and watched her bounce like her brother. Yes, her. Which I'm still struggling to wrap my mind and my vocabulary around. The stenographer said she was 65% sure it was a girl, and when the doc came in for his exam, he said he was 98% sure. (And he's the director for MFM at Presby so he has a good deal of experience!) We still haven't gotten the blood results back (not helping my impression of Canadians...) but seeing it in black and white made it pretty clear. And this doc measured Carter within a couple ounces the day before he was born so he's kind of a MFM god in my mind ;)

A girl. Well. Ok. Yes that's what I wanted. And Louis too. And both our families for that matter. But for some reason I didn't think it would happen. And don't get me wrong, I'm pumped, there was baby girl shopping done within 6 hours of the news. But I don't think it has sunk in. We need to pick a name and I think that will help give her some sort of concrete identity. Some part of me is still detached, and since I don't know how I did that, I'm struggling to undo it. 

Aunt Macy helped me take a cute picture on Thursday, and I decided to go ahead and put it on facebook. Yes I still have 1-2 weeks in this trimester, but nothing will change between now and then. And this news is exciting, and praise worthy, and share worthy. And having all the information fully public will help this sink in a little more and up the excitement. But, on the flip side, I'm not 100% excited. Above 90% for sure, but there will always be a part of me that is sad and worried. And that may be hard to understand. I've had 3 different conversations in the last week that reminded me just how different our experience has been from the "norm" and just like I can't understand how some people are so flippant about pregnancy, they probably think I'm too consumed with it. And I am. Oh my y'all I am. Even though I'm detached in some way, I still listen to her heartbeat most days. This is the third of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given (Louis isn't a gift, he's a treasure I was sent on a journey to find) (aw) (that took me a while to come up with...). I am consumed with cherishing this tiny life and remembering her sister and loving on her brother. And even if it makes me weird, makes me awkward, and overly emotional. I'm ok with that because I know I have good reasons to be weird, awkward, and emotional! 

Weirdness and the new me

10 week appointment went well.  Everything looked perfect.  Next week  hopefully we'll get the gender results and the week after that we'll have our first Level II Ultrasound. (This was the first one with Carter, and we immediately got to see what a rambunctious guy he was going to be! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDI393mHbM)

But its weird.  I realized today that at this point, this baby (#3?) has been "with" me longer than baby girl was "with" me.  And I was sad because I haven't done a lot of the things that I had already done at this point the first two times. I'm not as excited. Still so nervous. There haven't been any bump pictures.  No belly book.  No maternity or baby gear purchases. (Even at a consignment sale this morning I decided to not even look.) We've kind of looked at names but didn't get far.  I've stayed somewhat removed because a part of me expected something to go wrong. Besides school knowing, only about 5-6 of our friends know.  Because its still weird to share for some reason.  I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up.  (why?!?)

It's been 25 weeks since the D&C.  Wednesday's appointment was 25 weeks since the bad news day. If we make it to the end of the first trimester before sharing it will be the same week that we would have met baby girl. If this baby comes at 38+1 like Carter, it will be 5 days after the first anniversary of our miscarriage.

I just know the timing isn't a coincidence.  God had a hand in this timing.  God had a hand in all of this, I know, but he's really making it obvious for me (since I tend to be dense about these sort of things).

I think lately I've been kind of annoyed because I don't feel like myself. And I think I realized today that myself has changed. I am not going to at some point go back to the person I was. I "knew" that, but I don't think I knew that. So now, I have to decide what the new Dana is going to be like. I hope that she's slower - less worried about rushing to the next thing, less worried about getting past "this stage" and more focused on savoring what is in the now. I hope she's hopeful again, because I haven't felt very hopeful lately.  I hope she's kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and present, because my friends were living examples of those things these last few months. I hope she's joyful. Patient would be good but I've never once prayed for patience so I doubt now is a good time to start. I hope she trusts wholeheartedly in God. I hope she's everything her husband needs in a wife, and the best mother she has the power to be. I hope she's less frustrated, less angry, less anxious, and better about standing up against Satan's dark whispers.  It's going to take time, but I think she can get there.

Next: 12 Weeks

Green olive

8.5 weeks

Today we are 9 weeks and 5 days along. Baby is not quite an inch long (aka a green olive, grape, or wild strawberry, depending on which app you follow) and not quite an oz in weight. We have had 7 week and 8.5 week appointments, and this week we'll have a 10 week appointment. Next will come one or two 12 week appointments. Everything has looked great both times, and after last weeks sonogram I started looking for the heartbeat with our home doppler, and found it almost immediately. I have been listening in once or twice a day since just to check in. I absolutely love that sound and breathe so much easier after hearing it! After my appointment on Wednesday I'll have my blood drawn for the gender test, and we'll have the results within a week, sooner if we're lucky! 

It is kind of exciting and wonderful to be a week away from finding out the gender, and only days away from feeling like we're in the safe zone, but it's still more complicated than that, you know? We would have met our baby girl in about 3 weeks. I will have this baby within a week or two of the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Which is kind of cosmically purposeful I think. I knew I'd be feeling more optimistic (and stable, frankly) the closer we got to 12 weeks, and so far that's true. I've also had a couple amazing weeks in counseling, that led to some huge realizations. Even though I don't know where I'm going with the new information, the knowledge has already made a difference. 

I haven't physically been feeling any better yet, but I know that soon I will be and that will help too. School, housekeeping, and mommyhood will all be easier soon! 

Speaking of, Carter is such a big guy. Today he ran a fever just in the morning so we stayed home and just hung out in our pjs all day, and so many things he did made me marvel at him. Not to mention the fact that he has been crawling out of his crib every morning and sometimes after naps, so tonight he's sleeping in the toddler bed version of his crib (fingers crossed)! I think I definitely could have managed a newborn right now, knowing what he's like! He will be even better in the spring and will be such a good helper. He will rub my tummy if you ask where mommas baby is, and will give the baby a kiss when prompted (and in the mood for tricks). Such a fun stage! (Not so fun is the wrestling match we had this evening on the kitchen floor as I tried to undress him before he ate spaghetti, but oh well, it's still two steps forward and one step back!)

Next: Weirdness

What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive

Broken

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing

Here's my broken hallelujah.

"Broken Hallelujah" by The Afters (shortened by me)

This has been one of those days. I can't really put my finger on it. I haven't felt like myself for what seems like an eternity. Little things happen here and there. And suddenly, I'm screaming at the dog because she chewed up my new black heel, that I just bought to replace the last pair of black heels she chewed on. (Griffey, never Sadie) (And it sounds like she does this frequently but in one year she has damaged 5 shoes [not pairs] to varying extents, so I never think to puppy proof & then she catches me off guard.)

And I broke down. Sat on the couch and sobbed while Carter & Sadie stared. What?! Over a shoe?! And I have probably 6 other pairs of black heels in varying heights and fabrications, just not strappy summery ones, but summer is over so who even cares? 

And then my response was to immediately be furious at anyone who is happy right now. Because that definitely makes sense. And I deleted Facebook off my phone. (Which is never a bad thing, but still slightly irrational.) 

I'm wallowing in self-pity and confusion and doubt and fear. And I hate it. It's one of those days I'm irate that Eve was such an idiot. We could be in freaking Eden, walking with God, happily naked as a newborn, and enjoying this paradise God created for us. But instead my heart aches for the little girl we lost. And every other child who was taken too soon. And every incredible person who gets sick. And every good person whose dreams & plans get derailed by this uncontrollable, sinful world we live in. And I'm mad that there are "bad" people in the world that hurt other people. And still get good things. Today I wouldn't be sad to learn that Dante's hell is how it really works. 

I took a nap but woke up still frustrated. I'm trying to move on. To give it up. This is a battle I'm not winning. The world will never involve a pair of scales that keep things fair and balanced. Anger will get me nowhere. God DOES have a plan. One day I won't hurt as badly. I won't want to move away and start over. But today I'm broken. And trying to still sing my hallelujahs. 

Sidenote: I've read & reread this several times, and I don't want this to come off as complaining or a cry for attention or pity. Just an invitation- if you're hurting, I'm here with you. I can pray for you, & would love for you to pray for me. This is me, the good, and right now mostly the bad & ugly. I don't think it's necessary or healthy to hide or gloss over stuff like this. If you're reading this, you're either part of my "community" or possibly a creepy stalker. And communities exist for times like this. As much as I'd like to keep this inside & withdraw until I'm less messy inside, that's not what's best. So bare with me while I stumble & hopefully soon my posts will be a lot sunnier. :)