Well, it's time for another series of posts that will remain secret for at least awhile. After two months of artificially induced cycles, yesterday we had an ultrasound and got the go-ahead to start clomid again. Tomorrow I will start a 5 day run of 100 mgs of clomid, and then on the 24th we will have another ultrasound to make sure that my artificially ramped up hormones produced one (or maybe two) nice big follicles (and not small or medium ones like I make regularly)(or seven follicles in which case we would obviously abort the mission for this month).
I've been going to counseling for about 5 weeks now, and it has been great. I love counseling. I'm a huge supporter of going to a trained, unbiased party, who can not only tell you what you need to hear, but can ask questions and make comments to lead you to conclusions and understandings you might not have come to otherwise. This is my 4th round, and 4th counselor/therapist. The last one I saw after we moved to Dallas was awesome, but is in Denton now which is just not conceivable to drive to regularly, so I had to find a new one. I randomly read a Dallas Moms Blog post about late or delayed post-partum depression (which I think I probably had/have), and the author was a guest blogger who worked for LifeWorks. I looked into them and called and found a counselor who is awesome. In the last few weeks she has helped me realize so many things about who I am and why I do what I do.
We've talked a lot about my control issues. (As in I prefer to be in control of everything and everyone [aka Carter and Louis, one of whom is uncontrollable and the other of which is perfectly fine taking care of himself]). We've talked a lot about plans, and expectations, and how I probably have too many of both. We've talked about how my many, many varied and strong feelings about this whole family growing process are ok and valid, and not something I need to just get over. We've talked about my need for productivity, and a sense of accomplishment. And how I am ok with "nothingness" as long as I feel like that's the way its supposed to be (summertime as a student or teacher and not working before or after Carter was born was all ok, until I felt like it was time for another baby and that wasn't happening and I then had something to fixate on). We've talked a little about what it will look like if this cycle of clomid succeeds, if it fails, if they all fail. We've talked about my anger and frustration and confusion about other people in the world getting pregnant left and right. People who aren't good parents or good people. People who don't want to be pregnant, don't like being pregnant, and who complain constantly about the children they already have. Why them and not me? That is one of several things I'm just going to have to get over. An hour a week is not enough for me, I seriously would love to sit with her for an entire evening each week.
Next week we are going to Chicago for 5 days, and I am pumped. Not only is it going to help time go faster (because starting yesterday we are back in the cycle of living our lives in two week increments), but hopefully I can relax and spend some quality time with my best friend. We are leaving Carter here with Louis' parents, and I am slightly nervous about being away from him for that long (more for my sake, he won't even miss me!) but I know he's in good hands so I doubt I'll worry too much!
Still not fully praying yet - I've sent up a thought or two, but nothing like a complete conversation - but I know God is involved in this. When it comes down to it, His plan is the best one, and the one that we want. I know His plan will not only be good, but redemptive, and I am looking forward to seeing it fall into place.
Next: Waiting to Exhale
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