Struggling in the shadows

Before we drove west for Thanksgiving I grabbed a book off the shelf that I hadn't read in awhile, and once you read one book in a series, you have to read all of them right? Well this is a series about four WWI era sisters living in England, and each of the books in the series tells the story of life after losing their mother from their own perspective, by Ruth Elwin Harris. All that is beside the point really, but I say that because I came across this quote in the second book: 

And I am kind of in love with it. It's been written on my heart for over a week. I'm even thinking about tattooing it on my forehead. Or maybe my arm so I can see it easier. I tried looking up the source and didn't have much luck, except that it was a Maori proverb. I liked it because it so accurately reflects where I'm at right now, and what my focus has been. I'm not only trying to turn my face toward the sun, but also the Son. Some days I'm more successful than others. 

(This is where this post may get random, because I'm struggling to organize my thoughts swirling around this.)

Some days I am positive and upbeat, filled with contentment and peace. More days than not actually. Last Wednesday was one of those days. We had a wonderful 20 week ultrasound and Baby Girl's fetal echo looked perfect (diabetes loves to mess with my kidneys & retinas and baby's heart). The doc told me I couldn't be doing better if I tried. I then went to a counseling session that also went really well, and left me feeling good about where I was at on something specific we'd been focusing on lately. 

But then Friday had hills and valleys of emotions. And I'm trying to focus on the fact that my lap is full of one baby and my tummy is full of another, but still the shadows are creeping up. 

It made me think... 

How often do we have a friend who is struggling in the shadows and we don't even know it? 

Who do I know who is struggling to face the sun? 

Either our own shadows distract us from seeing anything else beyond the darkness (this is so my problem) or the light we are basking in is so bright it drowns out others' shadows. And it's easy to do. We are so linked by technology but separated by busyness and schedules and life. 

I told a friend a couple weeks ago that I have wanted so many times to run away, start over, hide from what makes me sad or insecure. And she reminded me (I knew this but needed to hear it), that then we would just have the same issues in a new place. I mishandle my "issues" by withdrawing and hiding from them (& other people). Others choose to act as if there are no issues, and cover them up with a façade. Either way, if you aren't present or aren't acting as if anything is anything other than perfect, it is difficult for others to be aware, even if they are paying attention. 

Here's a quote from a genius: "When your nature is to be relational but relationships are what are hurtful it becomes confusing how to take care of yourself and meet both needs- to be with people in fellowship and to isolate to protect." 

This is part of my issue currently. Though I am very introverted, I seek and benefit from having a few quality relationships. I will never be the life of the party. I will rarely choose a night out with a big group of people over dinner with a close friend or two. Those connections are so important to my psyche. I, luckily, have some wonderful people who fill my bucket. But the general population is sometimes a different story. 

Here's a 2.5 minute video that everyone needs to watch. http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw 

High points:

-4th component of empathy is communication (I think most people are more empathetic than their words show).

-Empathic responses rarely if ever begin with "at least...". 

-Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection. 

I am empathetic to a fault. (While looking for the link to that video I found several articles and studies about reading fiction contributing to empathetic skills, and almost no one I know has read more fiction than I have, so I blame my bookwormyness.) I can cry at a commercial, a semi sad moment in a non-sad movie (X-Men...), a Mavs game (yes it's happened). All because I too easily put myself in someone else's shoes, view a situation from their perspective, and imagine what they're feeling or how I would feel in that situation. 

And I think true empathy has been what I've been seeking and some of what has been lacking. Even the best intentioned people have said stuff that wasn't so great. And so I withdraw deeper into my shadows. We all have to be careful. I've also said things that weren't so helpful- my empathy is strong but the communication piece requires thoughtfulness and making a habit of thinking before speaking instead of using platitudes. 

So what's the point? Hmm. Be on the lookout for people in the shadows. (Not me, I'm sure at this point everyone knows what & where my shadows are!) And do what you can to help them see the sun/Son, while being aware that what they need more than anything is connection. 

I remember bits & pieces of April 2nd. I remember calling the nurse and being fine at first but starting to cry as the anxiety I was feeling started to leak out. I remember I gave Carter my wallet to play with and he dumped every card in it on the exam room floor. I remember the doctor's compassion. I remember it was the first time I'd used the umbrella stroller and I couldn't figure out how to fold it back up so I had to wedge it in the car as it was. I remember calling Louis and then texting my family and my mom calling me within seconds to find out where I was so she could come get me, and then finally agreeing to just meet me at home. I remember she and Macy were there when I got there and she just hugged me. Macy cried with me. And they did something with Carter (could not tell you what) while I sat numbly. And then Louis got home and he held me. Have no idea what Carter did the rest of the day or if I ate anything. No one really said anything, but they were there. And over the next few days, it wasn't what anyone said to me that mattered, but the fact that they took the time to reach out. So let's check on each other. Make sure that the all-smiles and unicorns and rainbows posts on Instagram and Facebook aren't covering up deeper hurts. Make sure that no one ever feels like they are going through something alone. K? :)

Baby's got a name & birthday!

How far along: 18 weeks (and a few days)

Total weight gain: 5 lbs

Baby is the size of a: Sweet potato

Best picture from a few weeks ago- she was a moving and a grooving and the only pics we have of her face are straight on which I call the alien face- not cute.

Maternity clothes: 100% in maternity pants & shirts are 50/50

Sleep: still getting as much as I can. Pulled out the pregnacy pillow last week and it's been lovely. Unfortunately we can add Charlie horses to the heartburn baby girl is causing!

Miss anything? The ability to put on pants and shoes without feeling like I need to rest a minute. I definitely wasn't this worn out this early with Carter!

Movement: I've been feeling her for the last week or two, and starting on Sunday she's been moving hard enough for Louis to feel too. We're both pretty enamored :)

Food cravings: sweet and cold still, which has resulted in quite a bit of Blue Bell consumed, especially since Peppermint is back and we have a big freezer in the garage with which to stock up!!! (And one doc told me I needed >2000 calories a day and the other told me he would be comfortable with me gaining 10 lbs by 20 weeks [aka 5 lbs in 2 weeks!] and 25-30 by delivery, even more if my blood sugars were good, so I'm feeling like I've got a little bit more wiggle room than I normally allow myself!)

Anything making you queasy or sick: still salty foods 

Have you started to show yet: for sure. Some cuts of tops disguise it decently, but most of my tops can't hide it anymore (not that I'm trying)!

I never know what to do with my hands or expression in these photos...

For reference Left is me at 18 weeks this time, and Right is me at 23 weeks with Carter... I might actually look 9 months by 9 months this time!

Other physical changes: my gums started bleeding this week which was surprising (even though my mom had warned me!) and a little gross

Gender: still a girl! Name is officially Carrie Evelyn! My mother's, mother's mother (my great grandmother) was Carrie Evelyn Peck, and I have loved it for a long long time. I loved it even more when I recently found out that Carrie means "dear" and Evelyn means "longed for child". It's been at the top of our list the whole time, I just took my time committing to it! 

Mood: good! Much less patient than I was with Carter... (About waiting 137 more days to meet her! Is that not FOREVER away?!? Maybe it's just because this time I know all the sweet goodness that is coming!)

Best moment of the week: Sharing her movement with Louis and picking her birthday! April 8th here we come! 

Looking forward to: Thanksgiving break next week- a full week of time with our families and lots of good food!

Laying it all on the changing table

Well here it is. Sixteen blog posts written over the past seventeen weeks documenting our journey to this baby.  Today I would have been 38 weeks pregnant and probably expecting to meet our daughter in the next few days, so it felt like a good day to share this baby girl's story so far.

Start here:

Starting Again

12 week happenings

This week we met with the genetic counselor, had our first level 2 ultrasound with our perinatologist, and decided to make our news facebook official! 

The genetic counselor was under the impression we were going to do some genetic testing on Wednesday, but once we talked through everything, we decided not to. The ultrasound part of the test was going to happen regardless, and we said only in the event of that having worrisome results on that would we consider anything else, because I just don't care to know. This baby has had 4 sonos already and will have 8-10 more, so if there is something BIG wrong, we'll see it. Anything else we get, we'll deal with it when we need to. I told the doc I was more worried about my mental health for the next 6 months than having all the facts right now, and that after losing a baby, there wasn't anything we cared about unless it was life threatening. 

So we did the sono and everything looked great. Perfect. The nucal fold measured at 1 mm (1-3 is normal, 3+ is worrisome) and all the facial bones were present and perfect. We saw the brain, spine, chambers of the heart, umbilical cord and blood supply, stomach, arms, legs, hands, feet, and watched her bounce like her brother. Yes, her. Which I'm still struggling to wrap my mind and my vocabulary around. The stenographer said she was 65% sure it was a girl, and when the doc came in for his exam, he said he was 98% sure. (And he's the director for MFM at Presby so he has a good deal of experience!) We still haven't gotten the blood results back (not helping my impression of Canadians...) but seeing it in black and white made it pretty clear. And this doc measured Carter within a couple ounces the day before he was born so he's kind of a MFM god in my mind ;)

A girl. Well. Ok. Yes that's what I wanted. And Louis too. And both our families for that matter. But for some reason I didn't think it would happen. And don't get me wrong, I'm pumped, there was baby girl shopping done within 6 hours of the news. But I don't think it has sunk in. We need to pick a name and I think that will help give her some sort of concrete identity. Some part of me is still detached, and since I don't know how I did that, I'm struggling to undo it. 

Aunt Macy helped me take a cute picture on Thursday, and I decided to go ahead and put it on facebook. Yes I still have 1-2 weeks in this trimester, but nothing will change between now and then. And this news is exciting, and praise worthy, and share worthy. And having all the information fully public will help this sink in a little more and up the excitement. But, on the flip side, I'm not 100% excited. Above 90% for sure, but there will always be a part of me that is sad and worried. And that may be hard to understand. I've had 3 different conversations in the last week that reminded me just how different our experience has been from the "norm" and just like I can't understand how some people are so flippant about pregnancy, they probably think I'm too consumed with it. And I am. Oh my y'all I am. Even though I'm detached in some way, I still listen to her heartbeat most days. This is the third of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given (Louis isn't a gift, he's a treasure I was sent on a journey to find) (aw) (that took me a while to come up with...). I am consumed with cherishing this tiny life and remembering her sister and loving on her brother. And even if it makes me weird, makes me awkward, and overly emotional. I'm ok with that because I know I have good reasons to be weird, awkward, and emotional! 

Weirdness and the new me

10 week appointment went well.  Everything looked perfect.  Next week  hopefully we'll get the gender results and the week after that we'll have our first Level II Ultrasound. (This was the first one with Carter, and we immediately got to see what a rambunctious guy he was going to be! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDI393mHbM)

But its weird.  I realized today that at this point, this baby (#3?) has been "with" me longer than baby girl was "with" me.  And I was sad because I haven't done a lot of the things that I had already done at this point the first two times. I'm not as excited. Still so nervous. There haven't been any bump pictures.  No belly book.  No maternity or baby gear purchases. (Even at a consignment sale this morning I decided to not even look.) We've kind of looked at names but didn't get far.  I've stayed somewhat removed because a part of me expected something to go wrong. Besides school knowing, only about 5-6 of our friends know.  Because its still weird to share for some reason.  I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up.  (why?!?)

It's been 25 weeks since the D&C.  Wednesday's appointment was 25 weeks since the bad news day. If we make it to the end of the first trimester before sharing it will be the same week that we would have met baby girl. If this baby comes at 38+1 like Carter, it will be 5 days after the first anniversary of our miscarriage.

I just know the timing isn't a coincidence.  God had a hand in this timing.  God had a hand in all of this, I know, but he's really making it obvious for me (since I tend to be dense about these sort of things).

I think lately I've been kind of annoyed because I don't feel like myself. And I think I realized today that myself has changed. I am not going to at some point go back to the person I was. I "knew" that, but I don't think I knew that. So now, I have to decide what the new Dana is going to be like. I hope that she's slower - less worried about rushing to the next thing, less worried about getting past "this stage" and more focused on savoring what is in the now. I hope she's hopeful again, because I haven't felt very hopeful lately.  I hope she's kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and present, because my friends were living examples of those things these last few months. I hope she's joyful. Patient would be good but I've never once prayed for patience so I doubt now is a good time to start. I hope she trusts wholeheartedly in God. I hope she's everything her husband needs in a wife, and the best mother she has the power to be. I hope she's less frustrated, less angry, less anxious, and better about standing up against Satan's dark whispers.  It's going to take time, but I think she can get there.

Next: 12 Weeks

Green olive

8.5 weeks

Today we are 9 weeks and 5 days along. Baby is not quite an inch long (aka a green olive, grape, or wild strawberry, depending on which app you follow) and not quite an oz in weight. We have had 7 week and 8.5 week appointments, and this week we'll have a 10 week appointment. Next will come one or two 12 week appointments. Everything has looked great both times, and after last weeks sonogram I started looking for the heartbeat with our home doppler, and found it almost immediately. I have been listening in once or twice a day since just to check in. I absolutely love that sound and breathe so much easier after hearing it! After my appointment on Wednesday I'll have my blood drawn for the gender test, and we'll have the results within a week, sooner if we're lucky! 

It is kind of exciting and wonderful to be a week away from finding out the gender, and only days away from feeling like we're in the safe zone, but it's still more complicated than that, you know? We would have met our baby girl in about 3 weeks. I will have this baby within a week or two of the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Which is kind of cosmically purposeful I think. I knew I'd be feeling more optimistic (and stable, frankly) the closer we got to 12 weeks, and so far that's true. I've also had a couple amazing weeks in counseling, that led to some huge realizations. Even though I don't know where I'm going with the new information, the knowledge has already made a difference. 

I haven't physically been feeling any better yet, but I know that soon I will be and that will help too. School, housekeeping, and mommyhood will all be easier soon! 

Speaking of, Carter is such a big guy. Today he ran a fever just in the morning so we stayed home and just hung out in our pjs all day, and so many things he did made me marvel at him. Not to mention the fact that he has been crawling out of his crib every morning and sometimes after naps, so tonight he's sleeping in the toddler bed version of his crib (fingers crossed)! I think I definitely could have managed a newborn right now, knowing what he's like! He will be even better in the spring and will be such a good helper. He will rub my tummy if you ask where mommas baby is, and will give the baby a kiss when prompted (and in the mood for tricks). Such a fun stage! (Not so fun is the wrestling match we had this evening on the kitchen floor as I tried to undress him before he ate spaghetti, but oh well, it's still two steps forward and one step back!)

Next: Weirdness

What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive