It's Not Right, Nor Is It Okay

Yesterday I wrote a very angry blog post. Luckily I didn't finish and slept on it and edited it a LOT before posting today...

On Friday I got a call that the pathology report finally came back and said our baby had a chromosomal problem. No specifics. Probably just a bad luck kind of thing, but we are still seeing a genetic counselor in a few weeks. (Which is ironic because the test I took in high school to help suggest careers based on my interests and personality put genetic counselor at the top of my list of recommendations.) This is good news because in all likelihood this isn't a problem we'll have every time, and reassures us that this was not something we did or didn't do. But I still feel like this is all my fault. 

Louis doesn't have any problems that we know of (and let's be honest, the Mexican & Catholic pieces of him pretty much guarantee he's fertile) ;) I haven't used a single contraceptive in 3 years... If I was as fertile as some of our friends we'd have 4 children by now. Instead I am fighting, doing everything in my power to conceive, and it still isn't enough. (This is where my control and trust issues really come into play.) It is my fault "the plan" isn't coming to fruition. It is my fault that our nursery will stay empty for now. It is my fault the infant carrier and double stroller will collect more dust. What's happened to us, what we've gone through isn't right. It isn't ok. And I have to come to terms with that being the way the world works. God's people aren't guaranteed a earthly existence of sunshine and unicorns and smiles. Our reward comes later. 

And I know that. The very logical "left brained" part of me is aware of all of the facts and the reality. I know that the goodness of my life on earth will pale in comparison to the greatness of eternity in Heaven. I know that my anxieties and sadness about our troubles with growing our family pale in comparison to the anxieties and sadness many other people experience daily. I know that we are healthy, we are blessed with amazing family and friends, with a beautiful life. Unfortunately the realistic part of me also knows all the statistics about secondary infertility. That part of me knows how often women who already have a child struggle to have a second, and how many of those never succeed. And that part also knows what our bank account looks like and knows that we don't have tens of thousands of dollars to adopt two or three kids. 

The realistic part of me also knows I could easily get pregnant on clomid two or three more times and carry to term and never have another loss. 

But the emotional part of me has a very "why them and not me attitude". Every single day there is a story in the news of a parent who screwed up royally. Who hurt their children. Who neglected them or put them in danger. Why did those people reproduce so easily and I can't? I promise not to smoke pcp laced weed or leave my machete around. So why not us? We will raise our kids up to respect other people, obey the law, and love the Lord. So why not us? It's not a question I'll ever get an answer to. And I'm working on being ok with that. 

I'll leave you with some pictures that very few people have ever seen, but that are forever etched in my memory. 

First photo at 6 weeks.

8 weeks

What 10 lbs of animal crackers and bloat looked like (still working on getting rid of those pounds!)

 

Carter hanging out with Griffey when we told my family. 

The picture we took for Facebook :)

Becky Brooks is my hero.

Disclaimer: Becky does not know me from Adam. (But if she's looking for a new friend, let me know!)

A couple weeks ago I went to the Prestoncrest Ladies Retreat. To be honest, I was dreading it. I had impulsively signed up and even though I knew I needed it, I was almost to the point of dropping out. A sweet friend told me to go, I'd be fine once I got there, and to sit next to "Whitney" (not her real name) because she was fun. ;) 

So I went and sat next to Whitney and she was fun. 

But this weekend wasn't just about fun. In fact that wasn't what I drove home thinking about. (I was probably thinking about the fact that I needed a nap after I foolishly stayed up until 3 am talking to a dear friend, when both of us could have been fast asleep enjoying not being on mommy duty!) (but I digress, let's pretend I was thinking of loftier things) I was thinking about the loads and loads of truth Becky spoke that weekend. I have heard Becky speak twice before, and both times loved her delivery, her honesty, and her message. This weekend was no different. Here are some of the bullet points I came away with. 

I Kings 17 - after Elijah delivers some bad news to King Ahab, the Lord sends him away to the wilderness where he provides for him. Until one day the brook dries up. And sometimes your brook dries up because someone else needs you. After the brook dries up Elijah comes across a widow who uses her last bits of food to feed him. And then miraculously her food doesn't run out because the Lord provides for them. And then the widows son gets ill and dies, because hard things happen to obedient people. Luckily Elijah was there to intervene and life returned to the boy. In the midst of our greatest joys and heartaches we need to have people to share them with. 

I Kings 18 - after a "duel" between God and the prophets of Baal (which God wins handily) Elijah keeps sending a servant to look for rain, because he trusts that the Lord keeps his promises. And sometimes we need a friend to help us look for the Lord. We should all set aside time to be with friends that will show us the glory of God. We should pick one person to spend time with at least once a month to be each other's cheerleaders & prayer warriors. 

Becky's mother told her, "We're always either in the midst of heartache, walking out of heartache, or blindly about to walk into it." A pessimistic but realistic point of view. 

Just like in warfare today, Satan is devious. The enemy isn't after us because he hates us. He is out to wound our Father. He is out to punish the one who loves us. (This is one of those times where I'm feeling like God loves me a little too much ;)

But we must remember, the Lord is always with us, no matter where we are. And we end up together.

We are in a battle, and unfortunately people get wounded. We need to get angry, get back in there, and fight. 

At the end of this weekend, the coordinator of the retreat stood up and said that she had needed to remind herself that if this retreat helped one person then it would all be worth it. And I don't know Amy, but I should let her know that I was the person. I needed to hear this exact message. I needed some normalcy. I needed the to get out of the house and my own head. And the chocolate. And the encouragement. And the middle of the night heart to heart. 

Am I still mad/sad/frustrated/confused/unsure/doubtful/scared? Heck yes. Has this opened some very deep and raw wounds from trust and control issues? Yup. Am I working on it? Slowly but surely. 

1 month

Not sure how to start this post since I have so many many thoughts swirling around in my head right now!

I am now at the end of the hardest month of my life thus far.  Hmm. Am I "better" than I was 30 days ago? Yes. Am I good? Far from it. Last weekend at my sister's wedding someone who knew I was pregnant asked me how the baby was & as casually as I could I said "no more baby". And even though I said it lightly, I think it physically cracked my heart a little more. (I have a list in my head of the few people who knew I was pregnant and the ones I'm not Facebook friends with scare me the most right now, it's hard to see them & know the conversation that is inevitable.)

The biggest struggle I have right now is church. I thought it would be being around the people, but I think it's actually God. He and I are just not in the same place that we were in a month ago. It's really hard to sing (my best method of communication with Him) or pray right now. In fact it's downright impossible. I've only prayed once. The rest of the time I zone out and think of something else. Before Kara's wedding one of her oldest and dearest friends prayed over her and that was the first and only time I've engaged in a prayer. I cried through the whole thing, in part because I cry more than anyone I know and that was a totally appropriate emotionally charged moment, but also because I realized part of why I've felt so alone is because I put up so big a wall that even God was on the outside and letting him back in is painful. 

I heard a song in the car the other day that I've heard dozens of times but this time the words were like an arrow to my heart. 

Life gets tough, and times get hard
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies

If you're tired of wondering why

Your heart isn't healing

And nothing feels like home

Cause you're lost and alone just screaming at the sky

When you don't know what to say

Just say Jesus

There is power in the name

The name of Jesus

If the words won't come

Cause you're to afraid to pray

Just say Jesus

Whisper it now, or shout it out

However it comes out, He hears your cry

Out of nowhere He will come, you got to believe it

He will rescue you

Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Light

Wow. Have you ever had that experience? Re-heard a song at the perfect time and it was so much more impactful (I think I made that word up) than it had been any other time? I almost had to pull the car over. So I'm working on saying Jesus, and then a few more words, and then a few more, until I can make it through a prayer, and then a church service. Not sure how long that will take, so I can't promise when you'll see me back at church, but I'm working on it. 

Let's end with some positive thoughts:

-I talked with my doc about a lot of things. One thing he said really struck a chord with me. He strongly believes that God puts the right baby in a family. So not to say that this baby would have been the wrong one, but the one we get will be the perfect baby for us. The perfect sibling for Carter and the perfect son or daughter for Louis and I. I like this mindset. (On a doc related note, we don't have the genetic testing back yet so we don't know that info yet, but I am getting bloodwork done today that will make sure I'm healthy in a couple of related ways. And he agreed we can look at trying again in June instead of July.)

-a sweet friend told me yesterday that she realized that during her journey toward motherhood she had been focused on herself, and why the timing wasn't what she wanted. Later she realized the whole thing had been more about having the perfect timing for her girls and not for her. I also like this mindset.

-I have connected in a HUGE way to two friends who have both had their struggles in becoming mothers. Such a blessing to have people you can be frighteningly real with and know they are with you in your place of brokenness and not judging you.

-also, we have seen the return of diet coke to our fridge. I've been drinking caffeine free since October and decided to get the real deal at the store this week. It's silly, but I'm going to enjoy it for a month before I go back to water and the occasional diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored colored water). You may not think this is list-worthy, but if you know me well you know my love affair with diet coke.

-last week was National Infertility Awareness Week... Now on another post I can tell you all about why I don't consider myself infertile (I'm more fertile-ish, and I say it that way out of respect to women who really struggle to conceive), but I like the idea of bringing attention to all the complexities of fertility issues. I also LOVED this list that they released. I personally have been on the receiving end of several of these and it's not helpful. In fact, it's usually hurtful.

-not only have I had so many great moments with friends, I have tried to focus on Carter this month and have had great moments with him. I also have loved being at Sunshine School with those precious kiddos. And celebrating my brilliant husbands achievements (you can now call him Louis Palacios Jr., ASA, EA, MAAA). And gearing up for the ChristianWorks auction in the fall. And most importantly, the best middle sister I've ever had got MARRIED! It was a flipping awesome wedding! And she is happy happy happy, so I'm happy. If you need a set-up, let me know, I have a 100% success rate!

There is probably more to say, but I'll finish up for now. Thanks for reading.

1 week

It's been a week and I've been getting some "how are you doing?"s, so I thought I'd give a full update to everyone interested. (Instead of just the "ok, thanks" texts I've been sending.) ;)

Honestly. Fine. But also "fine". 

Friday we were at the hospital for 13 hours (when we had been told to expect about 3-3.5) because I lost a lot of blood during the procedure and it took 5 liters of fluids and several hours of monitoring to keep my blood pressure high enough that I wasn't in danger of passing out (after it happened once there they weren't letting me leave until they were certain it wouldn't happen again). But I haven't had any pain other than some very very intense but short-lived cramping on Thursday night. So in that respect, fine. It's like nothing happened. I told Louis I kind of wish I was hurting more because then it would signify that I really was 10 weeks pregnant and did really lose the baby.

I am also "fine", and if you've seen "The Italian Job" with Mark Wahlberg you know what I mean (& if you haven't, go Netflix it right now). When I'm busy I'm ok, but then there are moments I'm certain I'm having a mental breakdown. I consider myself a little mental anyway, but I'm not really sure what normal is in this situation, so I don't know if crying about the fact that Clinique discontinued the eyeshadow color I've been wearing since freshman year of college is normal or not. ;)

Random side note: There are some people I haven't heard from that I expected to and I'm not sure if that's because they don't know or don't know what to say, and while I definitely assume they just don't know it's been a lesson to me that if I ever know that a friend is hurting I need to say something, anything, to let them know I am there with them. Saying the wrong thing is not necessarily worse than saying nothing. And everything everyone has said has been so kind and encouraging and helpful. And this is not accusatory to any one person, just an observation!

I think the hardest thing right now is that as lonely as I feel regularly (just because I'm a stay at home mom whose 16 month old's and dogs' conversation skills are limited), I feel even more so now. Even though this is not a unique situation and several people have reached out saying, "I went through this too, let me know if you need anything", I still feel isolated. And yet I am scared to leave the house. Until yesterday I hadn't worked up the courage to see anyone other than strangers. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it- I can't do either without falling apart. I am so so SO thankful for the digital support (& baked goods support!), but I don't think I can really talk about it in person yet. It's hard because I did thoughtfully & purposefully make this journey public, but it would be easier to hide if it was secret. But I think if I was hurting in secret I would be upset that no one knew the pain I was in. Double edged sword I suppose. I'm frustrated as I see life going on around me (why has no one else's life come to a standstill?)(yes I realize this is irrational and nonsense), and yet I don't know what to do with myself as I wait for the next few months to pass. (Which I'm not happy about for several reasons, a recently realized reason being that I would like to "get right back on the horse", but the forced wait period has the potential to make next go around even more anxiety filled than it already is.) 

This week we moved Carter upstairs to his big boy room so that will be my distraction for awhile. I need to alter his window treatment, hang pictures & his shelf, find a system to organize the few toys in there, and I want to paint the door with chalkboard paint and I've come up with a way to make a tent for him. Then I could paint our bedroom, hang curtains, maybe paint the bathrooms, the kitchen, add cabinet knobs...? How many projects can I come up with?  Probably a lot. Hopefully enough. 

There and Back Again: A Mother's Tale

Yes, that is a Hobbit reference for you super nerds like me.

On September 18 of last year, I had the first of many doctors visits in our quest to give Carter a sibling. So almost 7 months ago we started this journey, and I started blogging during that first round of drugs. I kept it all secret, because I wasn't sure I was ready, willing, or able to make my feelings public, but after this week I'm ready. 

I have all the posts linked below, and each one has a link to the next. If you have some time, you are welcome to read through what our family has been up to lately.  

Thanks for reading, and no judgments please ;) This is honest and at times shows just how broken I am and how much I am not worthy of the Lord's presence in my life and in need of constant reminders of His goodness and many blessings.

Conceptions on Conception
The Dreaded 2 Week Wait
Progress
Update
Round 3
Why I Am Ready for #2
Oh the Irony (not really related to this but oh well)
This Morning
I Lied
BFP
Regrets (also not related but never shared)
9 Weeks
Blue or Pink
The Worst Day

The Worst Day

So we bought a Doppler fetal heart monitor last pregnancy with Carter. Some say that the only thing they are good for is creating worry, but we enjoyed having it. Never panicked if we couldn't find the heartbeat immediately, but for a couple months before I could feel him move it was nice to check in every week or so & listen to his strong heart.

This pregnancy I started listening around 9 weeks, knowing it was pretty early & difficult to find, but last Thursday & Friday I was rewarded with the sweet gallop of baby. But on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and today I couldn't find it again. Logically I knew baby was tiny and easily hidden, but somewhere deep inside the uneasiness that I have felt for weeks (inexplicably) started to grow. And this morning I called the doctor & he squeezed me in.

 He wasn't worried when he couldn't find it on the Doppler either, and during the abdominal ultrasound just said he couldn't get a good picture, but gently told me during the transvaginal ultrasound that he wasn't finding a heartbeat anymore. He said that baby was measuring a couple days behind, which jives with my troubles starting Saturday. He also saw an excess of fluid around baby which is often the case in a chromosomal problem. 

He told me that our situation is somewhat rare. Something like 3-5% of pregnancies end in miscarriage this point in pregnancy, after seeing a heartbeat, but in 99% of cases the cause is chromosomal. Something somewhere didn't come together right. He said for my own peace of mind they can run tests to confirm this. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It wasn't me or my diabetes or the clomid. I couldn't have made this happen if I tried. And this happening does not mean it will happen again. All which is comforting. 

But. 

I'm still sad. Mad. Frustrated. Confused. Disappointed. Not quite hopeless but scared to go through this again. We are doing a d&c on Friday and he said we can try again in 3 months. Supposing we are successful the first month that puts baby #2 (or 3? What do I say?) coming next April I think. Carter will be 2.5. Not bad but further than I wanted. 

I think I'm confused most with the reasoning. I know that God didn't *make* this happen. But why is it so hard to get the one thing I think I'm meant to have? I never wanted to be a movie star or a billionaire. Never felt certain I was meant to save the world or cure cancer. No world peace or going to the moon. I am certain I was meant to be a mom. So why are there people pregnant who didn't try, don't even want a baby, aren't prepared for a baby, and who are, heaven forbid, aborting their babies, and I can't have a sibling for Carter? I know that my feelings are not unique or special nor is this the first time I have felt this way, but for the first time I am terrified. I am scared out of my mind that this will happen again. (How many times can I grieve this way before we would have to stop?) I'm scared that I am forever going to struggle for what I want. That we may get only one baby. That I may not have savored my pregnancy with Carter enough. That I took it for granted. (End pity party.)

Why am I sharing these very private feelings about a very private situation publically? I'm not sure. Partly because after being semi-reclusive as we went through the fertility treatments (which just stressed me out and made it hard for me to be around certain personalities) and then hermit-like as I've been so sick, my confinement will continue for awhile, and that deserves an explanation. I will want to be a part of the fold again at some point, and don't want to have to work my way back into my group of friends because they think I don't like them anymore. ;) I just can't handle much for the next couple of days/weeks. I am not a big enough person to not be hurt or jealous as friends announce their pregnancies in the coming months, and even if we are pregnant again this fall will be especially difficult. 

Also, to chase off any questions about "when we want to have another one?" Obviously the little old ladies in the grocery store or Target won't have read this, but I would like to avoid explaining that if I had MY way, #2 would be arriving this summer, but instead will at best come next Spring.

I have written throughout these last 6 months, and it has definitely been cathartic. Somehow putting it on paper/the screen gets it off my heart a little bit. It's somewhat easier to go through I think when everything isn't bottled up inside. Even though these blog posts have been secret, I have been blessed to have a few friends & my family who know everything that is going on, and that is crucial. I am definitely upset about having to untell my news to those that know, but all the same most of the people that do know are people who are supportive and amazing and absolutely worth letting in. 

I also feel like I have friends who are very sensitive to others fertility woes, and other friends who aren't insensitive, but perhaps naive. It never hurts anyone to walk a little ways in someone else's shoes. So hopefully this gives someone a chance to do that. Not to say, "suck it up and stop complaining about your "miserable" life with your healthy, beautiful, easily-created kids", but then again kind of. I think we all need a wake-up call every so often. I certainly have been less patient with Carter than I should have, and he deserves a better version of his momma than that. It is foolish to waste even one day with our blessings. 

One positive is that Louis and I have already reconnected in big way. I have been frustrated with him for working so much and not helping enough, and he's been frustrated with me for being myself ;) and since he gets home at 6:30 and I'm exhausted and go to sleep by 9:30 we haven't spent much time together, especially quality, actively loving time. We have basically not stopped touching, holding hands, snuggling, hugging since he got home yesterday afternoon and slept spooned together, moving back together every time I woke up too far from him. He is my rock and the one of the big reasons I am functioning at all. 

I am scared about tomorrow morning's d&c procedure. While I know logically that my baby is no longer there, I'm not sure I'm ready to be done. If you're awake and available at 7 am, my doctor will be starting, and even though I hope I'm unconscious (no one explained what happens and I can't handle googling it), I would love to know that I have some powerful prayer warriors with me.

Blue or Pink?

Yesterday I went and had blood drawn for a DNA test that will tell us if we're having a girl or a boy. Apparently by 10 weeks of pregnancy there is a detectable amount of baby's DNA floating around in mom's blood, so they take a blood sample from mom, and look for an XY. If they find it then you're having a boy, and if not it's a girl!

Now this test doesn't look for any disorders, is not covered by insurance, and cost $150 plus the blood draw fees. Definitely a luxury, but since 1) I'm an OCD planner and 2) I DESPERATELY want a girl, it was worth it to us to find out 5 weeks early. We did it with Carter and since all signs pointed to girl for him, it was a good thing. It also gave us extra time to pick a name and let it marinate, since we didn't really agree on boy names. This time again, all signs point to girl, though even more strongly and with some additional signs as well. I am cautiously optimistic, but also trying to go ahead and prepare myself for the possibility of a boy. 

This sounds so awful, and I hate myself for even feeling this way, but I will be seriously disappointed if it's another boy. I know I know, we are lucky to be pregnant at all and are so happy that we were able to be successful. And yes, a healthy baby is the #1 priority, but those feelings are there and they cannot be just swept under the rug. 

After we found out Carter was a boy (which was disappointing as well, though of course you couldn't pay me to trade him!), I read an article that really spoke to me and hit the nail on the head as to what I was feeling. This article (which I cannot find of course), basically said that the feelings of gender sadness are in some ways related to grief. Grief not over the loss of the child obviously, but over the loss of what that child could have been. For instance I've been dreaming of bows, barbies, ballet recitals, bra shopping, ball gowns for prom, and boyfriends, and instead have to prepare myself for sports, stitches, stained knees, stinky socks, shattered windows (thanks to baseball games too close to the house), and sony play station (sorry some of those were a stretch but I had to make the alliteration work!). And I know, girls can get stitches and create dirty laundry too. But still. After only having sisters my whole experience with parenthood is with daughters. I didn't watch my parents deal with boys. I have imagined myself with at least one daughter my whole life. And not having that is something I think is ok to grieve for. And yes, we are having 3-4 kids, so if #2 is another stinky, messy, crazy, sweet, snuggly, momma-loving boy, it is not the end of the world. DUH. But it will mean one less chance to get a daughter. And honestly if we get 3 boys in a row we will probably be done, and we will start saving our pennies to adopt a little girl. So it will also mean potentially one less chance to carry a pregnancy, which for me, even in the depths of my dizziness, nausea, and headaches, would be disappointing, because I love being pregnant. 

Last time I had the blood sample taken Monday after school, and got the phone call with the results on Thursday. This time we had the blood drawn on Tuesday so I'm praying we get the results on Friday and don't have to wait all weekend. I'm lacking supremely in patience this time. I have a sonogram in 2 weeks and I swear the last two weeks have been the slowest ever. Ugh. Wonder how much an ultrasound machine costs... Surely a group of us could go in on it together? ;)

Next: Worst Day