Starting Again

Well, it's time for another series of posts that will remain secret for at least awhile. After two months of artificially induced cycles, yesterday we had an ultrasound and got the go-ahead to start clomid again. Tomorrow I will start a 5 day run of 100 mgs of clomid, and then on the 24th we will have another ultrasound to make sure that my artificially ramped up hormones produced one (or maybe two) nice big follicles (and not small or medium ones like I make regularly)(or seven follicles in which case we would obviously abort the mission for this month).

I've been going to counseling for about 5 weeks now, and it has been great. I love counseling. I'm a huge supporter of going to a trained, unbiased party, who can not only tell you what you need to hear, but can ask questions and make comments to lead you to conclusions and understandings you might not have come to otherwise. This is my 4th round, and 4th counselor/therapist. The last one I saw after we moved to Dallas was awesome, but is in Denton now which is just not conceivable to drive to regularly, so I had to find a new one. I randomly read a Dallas Moms Blog post about late or delayed post-partum depression (which I think I probably had/have), and the author was a guest blogger who worked for LifeWorks. I looked into them and called and found a counselor who is awesome. In the last few weeks she has helped me realize so many things about who I am and why I do what I do.

We've talked a lot about my control issues. (As in I prefer to be in control of everything and everyone [aka Carter and Louis, one of whom is uncontrollable and the other of which is perfectly fine taking care of himself]).  We've talked a lot about plans, and expectations, and how I probably have too many of both. We've talked about how my many, many varied and strong feelings about this whole family growing process are ok and valid, and not something I need to just get over.  We've talked about my need for productivity, and a sense of accomplishment.  And how I am ok with "nothingness" as long as I feel like that's the way its supposed to be (summertime as a student or teacher and not working before or after Carter was born was all ok, until I felt like it was time for another baby and that wasn't happening and I then had something to fixate on).  We've talked a little about what it will look like if this cycle of clomid succeeds, if it fails, if they all fail. We've talked about my anger and frustration and confusion about other people in the world getting pregnant left and right.  People who aren't good parents or good people.  People who don't want to be pregnant, don't like being pregnant, and who complain constantly about the children they already have.  Why them and not me? That is one of several things I'm just going to have to get over. An hour a week is not enough for me, I seriously would love to sit with her for an entire evening each week.

Next week we are going to Chicago for 5 days, and I am pumped.  Not only is it going to help time go faster (because starting yesterday we are back in the cycle of living our lives in two week increments), but hopefully I can relax and spend some quality time with my best friend.  We are leaving Carter here with Louis' parents, and I am slightly nervous about being away from him for that long (more for my sake, he won't even miss me!) but I know he's in good hands so I doubt I'll worry too much!

Still not fully praying yet - I've sent up a thought or two, but nothing like a complete conversation - but I know God is involved in this. When it comes down to it, His plan is the best one, and the one that we want.  I know His plan will not only be good, but redemptive, and I am looking forward to seeing it fall into place.

Next: Waiting to Exhale

Dear Carter

I am sitting in your playroom writing this as you run around in your robot pjs, with a breakfast smeared face, simultaneously managing to wreck havoc while organizing funny things, like putting my slippers on the shelf and stacking up the cars. 

I've been thinking lately what an exciting time in your life this is! I feel like this is the fastest period of development next to being a newborn. You literally are figuring out something new everyday. Your communication skills aren't super strong (although I almost always know what you want when you point and grunt), but you make up for it in every other way, so I'm not too worried! You can run so fast I have to run as well to catch you. You can throw a ball (or your dinner) with accuracy (aka right at me). You can dunk the basketball. You can climb on almost anything now. You're so strong that even things that are too tall to get a leg up on you can pull up on. You are watching Daddy and me and imitating everything! You love to feel like a big boy and do exactly what we do. You love your puppy dogs, and they love you back, most of the time. You love the water. You love baths, showers, pool time, the splash park, the dogs' water bowls, or even a decent sized puddle! Yesterday you climbed into your kiddie pool that was empty except for a little rainwater, and managed to get wet from head to toe. Shirt, overalls, socks & shoes all had to come off! You like to clean, organize, stack, sort. You will sweep with the broom and if you find anything that looks like a paper towel you will use it to clean. You like headbands and shoes. You will put on any pair you find, whether they're mine or dad's and even if you already have shoes on. You do talk constantly, but very little of it is real words. Yesterday you dropped your cup & said "uh oh!" for the first time! You are finally interested in books, and will do more than throw them. You look at them by yourself (usually upside down for some reason), but also will crawl into our laps and let us read to you.

Since you were tiny you have been stubborn and opinionated. You have always wanted to do things your way. (I have no idea where you get that from!) This is great because you crawled and walked early, but I knew you were going to be slow to talk, because what's the need in communicating when you can do it yourself? When we're out Daddy likes to hold your hand and let you walk around, but that's easier said than done since there's a 100% chance you pull away and take off running. You may look like me but you are all Daddy on the inside!

After months of worrying and working, you are finally a decent eater! Still as unpredictable as any toddler, but I can usually count on you to eat your favorites, especially Mexican food! You can now drink out of a sippy cup, through a straw, or a regular cup by yourself! You're reluctant to practice with a spoon or fork for very long, because you can eat so much faster with your hands!

You only have 6 teeth, although all signs point to more very soon! Teething is honestly no big deal so far. You don't act any different and I am thankful for that!  Several people told us late teethers were easier than early ones, and that is proving true! I do wish you were farther along, because eating will be so much easier when you have more! (Like apples, which are the one fruit you try to eat, but end up swallowing a lot whole because your gums just can't crush them up enough!)

You are THE BEST SLEEPER! And momma is so grateful because I need my sleep! You still sleep 11 hours at night and then two 2 hour naps per day. When you are awake you are go-go-going, so I know you tucker yourself out! 

You are still a snuggler, and you give the best hugs. You like to pat my arm or back while I hold you, and when you're sleepy you still bury your fingers in my hair (and then yours when I lay you down). You give kisses, but not on command, only when you feel like it. You suddenly will come at us with an open mouth, aiming for our mouths! (I'm working with you on puckering!) I love when you come crawl in my lap and lean into me. I might have to find a new soap for the next baby, so I can always associate the smell of Aveeno with my guy. 

The whole point of this was to share a little bit of what you're up to, but mostly to make sure you know how much I love you! You're a boy, so this probably won't make you cry like it would your Momma, but one day, either when you're a little older, or a lot older, I hope you will read this and appreciate it. I should have kept better records of what you're into at each stage, but we can always check Facebook and see what I wrote! :) I cherish every single day with you. I LOVED having you in my tummy - every day you grew I was smiling more than I ever had before. I LOVE having you out of my tummy just as much. I complain to daddy that I'm bored, or lonely sometimes, but honestly I wouldn't give up staying home with you! I fought very hard for you, and you're the best thing I've ever done. Losing your little brother or sister a couple of months ago was a reminder to focus on you for the foreseeable future! Momma would have liked to make you a big brother this summer, but now I get to focus on you and make you the happiest guy ever! Hopefully we won't ruin you by spoiling you rotten for a little while!

You were throwing a ball around, but now you're dancing with your "Animales" book, so I'm thinking it's getting close to nap time! I love you little one! 

Momma 

It's Not Right, Nor Is It Okay

Yesterday I wrote a very angry blog post. Luckily I didn't finish and slept on it and edited it a LOT before posting today...

On Friday I got a call that the pathology report finally came back and said our baby had a chromosomal problem. No specifics. Probably just a bad luck kind of thing, but we are still seeing a genetic counselor in a few weeks. (Which is ironic because the test I took in high school to help suggest careers based on my interests and personality put genetic counselor at the top of my list of recommendations.) This is good news because in all likelihood this isn't a problem we'll have every time, and reassures us that this was not something we did or didn't do. But I still feel like this is all my fault. 

Louis doesn't have any problems that we know of (and let's be honest, the Mexican & Catholic pieces of him pretty much guarantee he's fertile) ;) I haven't used a single contraceptive in 3 years... If I was as fertile as some of our friends we'd have 4 children by now. Instead I am fighting, doing everything in my power to conceive, and it still isn't enough. (This is where my control and trust issues really come into play.) It is my fault "the plan" isn't coming to fruition. It is my fault that our nursery will stay empty for now. It is my fault the infant carrier and double stroller will collect more dust. What's happened to us, what we've gone through isn't right. It isn't ok. And I have to come to terms with that being the way the world works. God's people aren't guaranteed a earthly existence of sunshine and unicorns and smiles. Our reward comes later. 

And I know that. The very logical "left brained" part of me is aware of all of the facts and the reality. I know that the goodness of my life on earth will pale in comparison to the greatness of eternity in Heaven. I know that my anxieties and sadness about our troubles with growing our family pale in comparison to the anxieties and sadness many other people experience daily. I know that we are healthy, we are blessed with amazing family and friends, with a beautiful life. Unfortunately the realistic part of me also knows all the statistics about secondary infertility. That part of me knows how often women who already have a child struggle to have a second, and how many of those never succeed. And that part also knows what our bank account looks like and knows that we don't have tens of thousands of dollars to adopt two or three kids. 

The realistic part of me also knows I could easily get pregnant on clomid two or three more times and carry to term and never have another loss. 

But the emotional part of me has a very "why them and not me attitude". Every single day there is a story in the news of a parent who screwed up royally. Who hurt their children. Who neglected them or put them in danger. Why did those people reproduce so easily and I can't? I promise not to smoke pcp laced weed or leave my machete around. So why not us? We will raise our kids up to respect other people, obey the law, and love the Lord. So why not us? It's not a question I'll ever get an answer to. And I'm working on being ok with that. 

I'll leave you with some pictures that very few people have ever seen, but that are forever etched in my memory. 

First photo at 6 weeks.

8 weeks

What 10 lbs of animal crackers and bloat looked like (still working on getting rid of those pounds!)

 

Carter hanging out with Griffey when we told my family. 

The picture we took for Facebook :)

Becky Brooks is my hero.

Disclaimer: Becky does not know me from Adam. (But if she's looking for a new friend, let me know!)

A couple weeks ago I went to the Prestoncrest Ladies Retreat. To be honest, I was dreading it. I had impulsively signed up and even though I knew I needed it, I was almost to the point of dropping out. A sweet friend told me to go, I'd be fine once I got there, and to sit next to "Whitney" (not her real name) because she was fun. ;) 

So I went and sat next to Whitney and she was fun. 

But this weekend wasn't just about fun. In fact that wasn't what I drove home thinking about. (I was probably thinking about the fact that I needed a nap after I foolishly stayed up until 3 am talking to a dear friend, when both of us could have been fast asleep enjoying not being on mommy duty!) (but I digress, let's pretend I was thinking of loftier things) I was thinking about the loads and loads of truth Becky spoke that weekend. I have heard Becky speak twice before, and both times loved her delivery, her honesty, and her message. This weekend was no different. Here are some of the bullet points I came away with. 

I Kings 17 - after Elijah delivers some bad news to King Ahab, the Lord sends him away to the wilderness where he provides for him. Until one day the brook dries up. And sometimes your brook dries up because someone else needs you. After the brook dries up Elijah comes across a widow who uses her last bits of food to feed him. And then miraculously her food doesn't run out because the Lord provides for them. And then the widows son gets ill and dies, because hard things happen to obedient people. Luckily Elijah was there to intervene and life returned to the boy. In the midst of our greatest joys and heartaches we need to have people to share them with. 

I Kings 18 - after a "duel" between God and the prophets of Baal (which God wins handily) Elijah keeps sending a servant to look for rain, because he trusts that the Lord keeps his promises. And sometimes we need a friend to help us look for the Lord. We should all set aside time to be with friends that will show us the glory of God. We should pick one person to spend time with at least once a month to be each other's cheerleaders & prayer warriors. 

Becky's mother told her, "We're always either in the midst of heartache, walking out of heartache, or blindly about to walk into it." A pessimistic but realistic point of view. 

Just like in warfare today, Satan is devious. The enemy isn't after us because he hates us. He is out to wound our Father. He is out to punish the one who loves us. (This is one of those times where I'm feeling like God loves me a little too much ;)

But we must remember, the Lord is always with us, no matter where we are. And we end up together.

We are in a battle, and unfortunately people get wounded. We need to get angry, get back in there, and fight. 

At the end of this weekend, the coordinator of the retreat stood up and said that she had needed to remind herself that if this retreat helped one person then it would all be worth it. And I don't know Amy, but I should let her know that I was the person. I needed to hear this exact message. I needed some normalcy. I needed the to get out of the house and my own head. And the chocolate. And the encouragement. And the middle of the night heart to heart. 

Am I still mad/sad/frustrated/confused/unsure/doubtful/scared? Heck yes. Has this opened some very deep and raw wounds from trust and control issues? Yup. Am I working on it? Slowly but surely. 

1 month

Not sure how to start this post since I have so many many thoughts swirling around in my head right now!

I am now at the end of the hardest month of my life thus far.  Hmm. Am I "better" than I was 30 days ago? Yes. Am I good? Far from it. Last weekend at my sister's wedding someone who knew I was pregnant asked me how the baby was & as casually as I could I said "no more baby". And even though I said it lightly, I think it physically cracked my heart a little more. (I have a list in my head of the few people who knew I was pregnant and the ones I'm not Facebook friends with scare me the most right now, it's hard to see them & know the conversation that is inevitable.)

The biggest struggle I have right now is church. I thought it would be being around the people, but I think it's actually God. He and I are just not in the same place that we were in a month ago. It's really hard to sing (my best method of communication with Him) or pray right now. In fact it's downright impossible. I've only prayed once. The rest of the time I zone out and think of something else. Before Kara's wedding one of her oldest and dearest friends prayed over her and that was the first and only time I've engaged in a prayer. I cried through the whole thing, in part because I cry more than anyone I know and that was a totally appropriate emotionally charged moment, but also because I realized part of why I've felt so alone is because I put up so big a wall that even God was on the outside and letting him back in is painful. 

I heard a song in the car the other day that I've heard dozens of times but this time the words were like an arrow to my heart. 

Life gets tough, and times get hard
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies

If you're tired of wondering why

Your heart isn't healing

And nothing feels like home

Cause you're lost and alone just screaming at the sky

When you don't know what to say

Just say Jesus

There is power in the name

The name of Jesus

If the words won't come

Cause you're to afraid to pray

Just say Jesus

Whisper it now, or shout it out

However it comes out, He hears your cry

Out of nowhere He will come, you got to believe it

He will rescue you

Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Light

Wow. Have you ever had that experience? Re-heard a song at the perfect time and it was so much more impactful (I think I made that word up) than it had been any other time? I almost had to pull the car over. So I'm working on saying Jesus, and then a few more words, and then a few more, until I can make it through a prayer, and then a church service. Not sure how long that will take, so I can't promise when you'll see me back at church, but I'm working on it. 

Let's end with some positive thoughts:

-I talked with my doc about a lot of things. One thing he said really struck a chord with me. He strongly believes that God puts the right baby in a family. So not to say that this baby would have been the wrong one, but the one we get will be the perfect baby for us. The perfect sibling for Carter and the perfect son or daughter for Louis and I. I like this mindset. (On a doc related note, we don't have the genetic testing back yet so we don't know that info yet, but I am getting bloodwork done today that will make sure I'm healthy in a couple of related ways. And he agreed we can look at trying again in June instead of July.)

-a sweet friend told me yesterday that she realized that during her journey toward motherhood she had been focused on herself, and why the timing wasn't what she wanted. Later she realized the whole thing had been more about having the perfect timing for her girls and not for her. I also like this mindset.

-I have connected in a HUGE way to two friends who have both had their struggles in becoming mothers. Such a blessing to have people you can be frighteningly real with and know they are with you in your place of brokenness and not judging you.

-also, we have seen the return of diet coke to our fridge. I've been drinking caffeine free since October and decided to get the real deal at the store this week. It's silly, but I'm going to enjoy it for a month before I go back to water and the occasional diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored colored water). You may not think this is list-worthy, but if you know me well you know my love affair with diet coke.

-last week was National Infertility Awareness Week... Now on another post I can tell you all about why I don't consider myself infertile (I'm more fertile-ish, and I say it that way out of respect to women who really struggle to conceive), but I like the idea of bringing attention to all the complexities of fertility issues. I also LOVED this list that they released. I personally have been on the receiving end of several of these and it's not helpful. In fact, it's usually hurtful.

-not only have I had so many great moments with friends, I have tried to focus on Carter this month and have had great moments with him. I also have loved being at Sunshine School with those precious kiddos. And celebrating my brilliant husbands achievements (you can now call him Louis Palacios Jr., ASA, EA, MAAA). And gearing up for the ChristianWorks auction in the fall. And most importantly, the best middle sister I've ever had got MARRIED! It was a flipping awesome wedding! And she is happy happy happy, so I'm happy. If you need a set-up, let me know, I have a 100% success rate!

There is probably more to say, but I'll finish up for now. Thanks for reading.

1 week

It's been a week and I've been getting some "how are you doing?"s, so I thought I'd give a full update to everyone interested. (Instead of just the "ok, thanks" texts I've been sending.) ;)

Honestly. Fine. But also "fine". 

Friday we were at the hospital for 13 hours (when we had been told to expect about 3-3.5) because I lost a lot of blood during the procedure and it took 5 liters of fluids and several hours of monitoring to keep my blood pressure high enough that I wasn't in danger of passing out (after it happened once there they weren't letting me leave until they were certain it wouldn't happen again). But I haven't had any pain other than some very very intense but short-lived cramping on Thursday night. So in that respect, fine. It's like nothing happened. I told Louis I kind of wish I was hurting more because then it would signify that I really was 10 weeks pregnant and did really lose the baby.

I am also "fine", and if you've seen "The Italian Job" with Mark Wahlberg you know what I mean (& if you haven't, go Netflix it right now). When I'm busy I'm ok, but then there are moments I'm certain I'm having a mental breakdown. I consider myself a little mental anyway, but I'm not really sure what normal is in this situation, so I don't know if crying about the fact that Clinique discontinued the eyeshadow color I've been wearing since freshman year of college is normal or not. ;)

Random side note: There are some people I haven't heard from that I expected to and I'm not sure if that's because they don't know or don't know what to say, and while I definitely assume they just don't know it's been a lesson to me that if I ever know that a friend is hurting I need to say something, anything, to let them know I am there with them. Saying the wrong thing is not necessarily worse than saying nothing. And everything everyone has said has been so kind and encouraging and helpful. And this is not accusatory to any one person, just an observation!

I think the hardest thing right now is that as lonely as I feel regularly (just because I'm a stay at home mom whose 16 month old's and dogs' conversation skills are limited), I feel even more so now. Even though this is not a unique situation and several people have reached out saying, "I went through this too, let me know if you need anything", I still feel isolated. And yet I am scared to leave the house. Until yesterday I hadn't worked up the courage to see anyone other than strangers. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it- I can't do either without falling apart. I am so so SO thankful for the digital support (& baked goods support!), but I don't think I can really talk about it in person yet. It's hard because I did thoughtfully & purposefully make this journey public, but it would be easier to hide if it was secret. But I think if I was hurting in secret I would be upset that no one knew the pain I was in. Double edged sword I suppose. I'm frustrated as I see life going on around me (why has no one else's life come to a standstill?)(yes I realize this is irrational and nonsense), and yet I don't know what to do with myself as I wait for the next few months to pass. (Which I'm not happy about for several reasons, a recently realized reason being that I would like to "get right back on the horse", but the forced wait period has the potential to make next go around even more anxiety filled than it already is.) 

This week we moved Carter upstairs to his big boy room so that will be my distraction for awhile. I need to alter his window treatment, hang pictures & his shelf, find a system to organize the few toys in there, and I want to paint the door with chalkboard paint and I've come up with a way to make a tent for him. Then I could paint our bedroom, hang curtains, maybe paint the bathrooms, the kitchen, add cabinet knobs...? How many projects can I come up with?  Probably a lot. Hopefully enough. 

There and Back Again: A Mother's Tale

Yes, that is a Hobbit reference for you super nerds like me.

On September 18 of last year, I had the first of many doctors visits in our quest to give Carter a sibling. So almost 7 months ago we started this journey, and I started blogging during that first round of drugs. I kept it all secret, because I wasn't sure I was ready, willing, or able to make my feelings public, but after this week I'm ready. 

I have all the posts linked below, and each one has a link to the next. If you have some time, you are welcome to read through what our family has been up to lately.  

Thanks for reading, and no judgments please ;) This is honest and at times shows just how broken I am and how much I am not worthy of the Lord's presence in my life and in need of constant reminders of His goodness and many blessings.

Conceptions on Conception
The Dreaded 2 Week Wait
Progress
Update
Round 3
Why I Am Ready for #2
Oh the Irony (not really related to this but oh well)
This Morning
I Lied
BFP
Regrets (also not related but never shared)
9 Weeks
Blue or Pink
The Worst Day