Conceptions on conception

Trying to get pregnant is weird. Trying to get pregnant is hard for us, though no big deal for others. And I'm not just talking about the cast of 16 & Pregnant. And to be clear, it's even harder, and sometimes impossible, for others (which breaks my heart). But trying to get pregnant with the help of using drugs is even weirder than normal. To me, it seems much more possible. As in a higher likelihood of success.  It is so specific, so strategic, so structured. There is less confusion and what-ifs and maybes.

For those of you who have never been pregnant, or don't know the specifics, a human woman is pregnant for 40 weeks, which is 280 days, or about 9 months and 10 days. But actually you get two free weeks. The moment you conceive you are actually already 2 weeks, because they are counting from the beginning of your last cycle, which is roughly 14 days before. All this to say that this month, when I "started" (thanks to the drugs), I wondered if this was week one? And this weekend when I ovulate (which I know because other drugs make it so), I will wonder if I am "two weeks" pregnant. So much different than any other month we have tried and certainly different than with Carter. 

I have mixed emotions about using the drugs. My heart aches for another baby. I have a visceral response every time I hear someone else is pregnant. It's very foolish because I already have the best baby, but still I am anxious to have another little person growing inside and to make Carter a big brother. Will I be upset if this round of clomid doesn't work? Yes, but more so out of fear that it never will work, rather than my timeline being messed up. We are actually starting to try earlier than I anticipated (by 3 or 4 months, not significantly), because I fear that having Carter was a fluke, and I'd rather start early and then find out something is wrong. According to the doctor my blood work looks "normal", but that also means that there is no diagnosis for my issues and therefore no clear solution. She is optimistic that this will take care of us and I am too. I am still very prayerful about giving up all my fear & anxiety in this situation to God. I still wonder if we are rushing God's good and perfect will for us. It is hard to know if we should go eau naturale and trust that he will bless us with a surprise like Carter, or if we are to use the drugs to see his plans through. I do feel certain that God made me (above all other jobs he gave me), to be the momma of many loud, sweet, crazy, God-loving children, and that we will do whatever it takes to make that so, whether that be drugs or procedures or adoption.

This is a rambling post that won't be shared for many moons (aka 10-11 weeks minimum), but I wanted to get my thoughts done while I had them, and not try to remember this later!

Next: 2WW