1 week

It's been a week and I've been getting some "how are you doing?"s, so I thought I'd give a full update to everyone interested. (Instead of just the "ok, thanks" texts I've been sending.) ;)

Honestly. Fine. But also "fine". 

Friday we were at the hospital for 13 hours (when we had been told to expect about 3-3.5) because I lost a lot of blood during the procedure and it took 5 liters of fluids and several hours of monitoring to keep my blood pressure high enough that I wasn't in danger of passing out (after it happened once there they weren't letting me leave until they were certain it wouldn't happen again). But I haven't had any pain other than some very very intense but short-lived cramping on Thursday night. So in that respect, fine. It's like nothing happened. I told Louis I kind of wish I was hurting more because then it would signify that I really was 10 weeks pregnant and did really lose the baby.

I am also "fine", and if you've seen "The Italian Job" with Mark Wahlberg you know what I mean (& if you haven't, go Netflix it right now). When I'm busy I'm ok, but then there are moments I'm certain I'm having a mental breakdown. I consider myself a little mental anyway, but I'm not really sure what normal is in this situation, so I don't know if crying about the fact that Clinique discontinued the eyeshadow color I've been wearing since freshman year of college is normal or not. ;)

Random side note: There are some people I haven't heard from that I expected to and I'm not sure if that's because they don't know or don't know what to say, and while I definitely assume they just don't know it's been a lesson to me that if I ever know that a friend is hurting I need to say something, anything, to let them know I am there with them. Saying the wrong thing is not necessarily worse than saying nothing. And everything everyone has said has been so kind and encouraging and helpful. And this is not accusatory to any one person, just an observation!

I think the hardest thing right now is that as lonely as I feel regularly (just because I'm a stay at home mom whose 16 month old's and dogs' conversation skills are limited), I feel even more so now. Even though this is not a unique situation and several people have reached out saying, "I went through this too, let me know if you need anything", I still feel isolated. And yet I am scared to leave the house. Until yesterday I hadn't worked up the courage to see anyone other than strangers. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it- I can't do either without falling apart. I am so so SO thankful for the digital support (& baked goods support!), but I don't think I can really talk about it in person yet. It's hard because I did thoughtfully & purposefully make this journey public, but it would be easier to hide if it was secret. But I think if I was hurting in secret I would be upset that no one knew the pain I was in. Double edged sword I suppose. I'm frustrated as I see life going on around me (why has no one else's life come to a standstill?)(yes I realize this is irrational and nonsense), and yet I don't know what to do with myself as I wait for the next few months to pass. (Which I'm not happy about for several reasons, a recently realized reason being that I would like to "get right back on the horse", but the forced wait period has the potential to make next go around even more anxiety filled than it already is.) 

This week we moved Carter upstairs to his big boy room so that will be my distraction for awhile. I need to alter his window treatment, hang pictures & his shelf, find a system to organize the few toys in there, and I want to paint the door with chalkboard paint and I've come up with a way to make a tent for him. Then I could paint our bedroom, hang curtains, maybe paint the bathrooms, the kitchen, add cabinet knobs...? How many projects can I come up with?  Probably a lot. Hopefully enough. 

There and Back Again: A Mother's Tale

Yes, that is a Hobbit reference for you super nerds like me.

On September 18 of last year, I had the first of many doctors visits in our quest to give Carter a sibling. So almost 7 months ago we started this journey, and I started blogging during that first round of drugs. I kept it all secret, because I wasn't sure I was ready, willing, or able to make my feelings public, but after this week I'm ready. 

I have all the posts linked below, and each one has a link to the next. If you have some time, you are welcome to read through what our family has been up to lately.  

Thanks for reading, and no judgments please ;) This is honest and at times shows just how broken I am and how much I am not worthy of the Lord's presence in my life and in need of constant reminders of His goodness and many blessings.

Conceptions on Conception
The Dreaded 2 Week Wait
Progress
Update
Round 3
Why I Am Ready for #2
Oh the Irony (not really related to this but oh well)
This Morning
I Lied
BFP
Regrets (also not related but never shared)
9 Weeks
Blue or Pink
The Worst Day

The Worst Day

So we bought a Doppler fetal heart monitor last pregnancy with Carter. Some say that the only thing they are good for is creating worry, but we enjoyed having it. Never panicked if we couldn't find the heartbeat immediately, but for a couple months before I could feel him move it was nice to check in every week or so & listen to his strong heart.

This pregnancy I started listening around 9 weeks, knowing it was pretty early & difficult to find, but last Thursday & Friday I was rewarded with the sweet gallop of baby. But on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and today I couldn't find it again. Logically I knew baby was tiny and easily hidden, but somewhere deep inside the uneasiness that I have felt for weeks (inexplicably) started to grow. And this morning I called the doctor & he squeezed me in.

 He wasn't worried when he couldn't find it on the Doppler either, and during the abdominal ultrasound just said he couldn't get a good picture, but gently told me during the transvaginal ultrasound that he wasn't finding a heartbeat anymore. He said that baby was measuring a couple days behind, which jives with my troubles starting Saturday. He also saw an excess of fluid around baby which is often the case in a chromosomal problem. 

He told me that our situation is somewhat rare. Something like 3-5% of pregnancies end in miscarriage this point in pregnancy, after seeing a heartbeat, but in 99% of cases the cause is chromosomal. Something somewhere didn't come together right. He said for my own peace of mind they can run tests to confirm this. It wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It wasn't me or my diabetes or the clomid. I couldn't have made this happen if I tried. And this happening does not mean it will happen again. All which is comforting. 

But. 

I'm still sad. Mad. Frustrated. Confused. Disappointed. Not quite hopeless but scared to go through this again. We are doing a d&c on Friday and he said we can try again in 3 months. Supposing we are successful the first month that puts baby #2 (or 3? What do I say?) coming next April I think. Carter will be 2.5. Not bad but further than I wanted. 

I think I'm confused most with the reasoning. I know that God didn't *make* this happen. But why is it so hard to get the one thing I think I'm meant to have? I never wanted to be a movie star or a billionaire. Never felt certain I was meant to save the world or cure cancer. No world peace or going to the moon. I am certain I was meant to be a mom. So why are there people pregnant who didn't try, don't even want a baby, aren't prepared for a baby, and who are, heaven forbid, aborting their babies, and I can't have a sibling for Carter? I know that my feelings are not unique or special nor is this the first time I have felt this way, but for the first time I am terrified. I am scared out of my mind that this will happen again. (How many times can I grieve this way before we would have to stop?) I'm scared that I am forever going to struggle for what I want. That we may get only one baby. That I may not have savored my pregnancy with Carter enough. That I took it for granted. (End pity party.)

Why am I sharing these very private feelings about a very private situation publically? I'm not sure. Partly because after being semi-reclusive as we went through the fertility treatments (which just stressed me out and made it hard for me to be around certain personalities) and then hermit-like as I've been so sick, my confinement will continue for awhile, and that deserves an explanation. I will want to be a part of the fold again at some point, and don't want to have to work my way back into my group of friends because they think I don't like them anymore. ;) I just can't handle much for the next couple of days/weeks. I am not a big enough person to not be hurt or jealous as friends announce their pregnancies in the coming months, and even if we are pregnant again this fall will be especially difficult. 

Also, to chase off any questions about "when we want to have another one?" Obviously the little old ladies in the grocery store or Target won't have read this, but I would like to avoid explaining that if I had MY way, #2 would be arriving this summer, but instead will at best come next Spring.

I have written throughout these last 6 months, and it has definitely been cathartic. Somehow putting it on paper/the screen gets it off my heart a little bit. It's somewhat easier to go through I think when everything isn't bottled up inside. Even though these blog posts have been secret, I have been blessed to have a few friends & my family who know everything that is going on, and that is crucial. I am definitely upset about having to untell my news to those that know, but all the same most of the people that do know are people who are supportive and amazing and absolutely worth letting in. 

I also feel like I have friends who are very sensitive to others fertility woes, and other friends who aren't insensitive, but perhaps naive. It never hurts anyone to walk a little ways in someone else's shoes. So hopefully this gives someone a chance to do that. Not to say, "suck it up and stop complaining about your "miserable" life with your healthy, beautiful, easily-created kids", but then again kind of. I think we all need a wake-up call every so often. I certainly have been less patient with Carter than I should have, and he deserves a better version of his momma than that. It is foolish to waste even one day with our blessings. 

One positive is that Louis and I have already reconnected in big way. I have been frustrated with him for working so much and not helping enough, and he's been frustrated with me for being myself ;) and since he gets home at 6:30 and I'm exhausted and go to sleep by 9:30 we haven't spent much time together, especially quality, actively loving time. We have basically not stopped touching, holding hands, snuggling, hugging since he got home yesterday afternoon and slept spooned together, moving back together every time I woke up too far from him. He is my rock and the one of the big reasons I am functioning at all. 

I am scared about tomorrow morning's d&c procedure. While I know logically that my baby is no longer there, I'm not sure I'm ready to be done. If you're awake and available at 7 am, my doctor will be starting, and even though I hope I'm unconscious (no one explained what happens and I can't handle googling it), I would love to know that I have some powerful prayer warriors with me.

Blue or Pink?

Yesterday I went and had blood drawn for a DNA test that will tell us if we're having a girl or a boy. Apparently by 10 weeks of pregnancy there is a detectable amount of baby's DNA floating around in mom's blood, so they take a blood sample from mom, and look for an XY. If they find it then you're having a boy, and if not it's a girl!

Now this test doesn't look for any disorders, is not covered by insurance, and cost $150 plus the blood draw fees. Definitely a luxury, but since 1) I'm an OCD planner and 2) I DESPERATELY want a girl, it was worth it to us to find out 5 weeks early. We did it with Carter and since all signs pointed to girl for him, it was a good thing. It also gave us extra time to pick a name and let it marinate, since we didn't really agree on boy names. This time again, all signs point to girl, though even more strongly and with some additional signs as well. I am cautiously optimistic, but also trying to go ahead and prepare myself for the possibility of a boy. 

This sounds so awful, and I hate myself for even feeling this way, but I will be seriously disappointed if it's another boy. I know I know, we are lucky to be pregnant at all and are so happy that we were able to be successful. And yes, a healthy baby is the #1 priority, but those feelings are there and they cannot be just swept under the rug. 

After we found out Carter was a boy (which was disappointing as well, though of course you couldn't pay me to trade him!), I read an article that really spoke to me and hit the nail on the head as to what I was feeling. This article (which I cannot find of course), basically said that the feelings of gender sadness are in some ways related to grief. Grief not over the loss of the child obviously, but over the loss of what that child could have been. For instance I've been dreaming of bows, barbies, ballet recitals, bra shopping, ball gowns for prom, and boyfriends, and instead have to prepare myself for sports, stitches, stained knees, stinky socks, shattered windows (thanks to baseball games too close to the house), and sony play station (sorry some of those were a stretch but I had to make the alliteration work!). And I know, girls can get stitches and create dirty laundry too. But still. After only having sisters my whole experience with parenthood is with daughters. I didn't watch my parents deal with boys. I have imagined myself with at least one daughter my whole life. And not having that is something I think is ok to grieve for. And yes, we are having 3-4 kids, so if #2 is another stinky, messy, crazy, sweet, snuggly, momma-loving boy, it is not the end of the world. DUH. But it will mean one less chance to get a daughter. And honestly if we get 3 boys in a row we will probably be done, and we will start saving our pennies to adopt a little girl. So it will also mean potentially one less chance to carry a pregnancy, which for me, even in the depths of my dizziness, nausea, and headaches, would be disappointing, because I love being pregnant. 

Last time I had the blood sample taken Monday after school, and got the phone call with the results on Thursday. This time we had the blood drawn on Tuesday so I'm praying we get the results on Friday and don't have to wait all weekend. I'm lacking supremely in patience this time. I have a sonogram in 2 weeks and I swear the last two weeks have been the slowest ever. Ugh. Wonder how much an ultrasound machine costs... Surely a group of us could go in on it together? ;)

Next: Worst Day