And I am kind of in love with it. It's been written on my heart for over a week. I'm even thinking about tattooing it on my forehead. Or maybe my arm so I can see it easier. I tried looking up the source and didn't have much luck, except that it was a Maori proverb. I liked it because it so accurately reflects where I'm at right now, and what my focus has been. I'm not only trying to turn my face toward the sun, but also the Son. Some days I'm more successful than others.
(This is where this post may get random, because I'm struggling to organize my thoughts swirling around this.)
Some days I am positive and upbeat, filled with contentment and peace. More days than not actually. Last Wednesday was one of those days. We had a wonderful 20 week ultrasound and Baby Girl's fetal echo looked perfect (diabetes loves to mess with my kidneys & retinas and baby's heart). The doc told me I couldn't be doing better if I tried. I then went to a counseling session that also went really well, and left me feeling good about where I was at on something specific we'd been focusing on lately.
But then Friday had hills and valleys of emotions. And I'm trying to focus on the fact that my lap is full of one baby and my tummy is full of another, but still the shadows are creeping up.
It made me think...
How often do we have a friend who is struggling in the shadows and we don't even know it?
Who do I know who is struggling to face the sun?
Either our own shadows distract us from seeing anything else beyond the darkness (this is so my problem) or the light we are basking in is so bright it drowns out others' shadows. And it's easy to do. We are so linked by technology but separated by busyness and schedules and life.
I told a friend a couple weeks ago that I have wanted so many times to run away, start over, hide from what makes me sad or insecure. And she reminded me (I knew this but needed to hear it), that then we would just have the same issues in a new place. I mishandle my "issues" by withdrawing and hiding from them (& other people). Others choose to act as if there are no issues, and cover them up with a façade. Either way, if you aren't present or aren't acting as if anything is anything other than perfect, it is difficult for others to be aware, even if they are paying attention.
Here's a quote from a genius: "When your nature is to be relational but relationships are what are hurtful it becomes confusing how to take care of yourself and meet both needs- to be with people in fellowship and to isolate to protect."
This is part of my issue currently. Though I am very introverted, I seek and benefit from having a few quality relationships. I will never be the life of the party. I will rarely choose a night out with a big group of people over dinner with a close friend or two. Those connections are so important to my psyche. I, luckily, have some wonderful people who fill my bucket. But the general population is sometimes a different story.
Here's a 2.5 minute video that everyone needs to watch. http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
High points:
-4th component of empathy is communication (I think most people are more empathetic than their words show).
-Empathic responses rarely if ever begin with "at least...".
-Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.
I am empathetic to a fault. (While looking for the link to that video I found several articles and studies about reading fiction contributing to empathetic skills, and almost no one I know has read more fiction than I have, so I blame my bookwormyness.) I can cry at a commercial, a semi sad moment in a non-sad movie (X-Men...), a Mavs game (yes it's happened). All because I too easily put myself in someone else's shoes, view a situation from their perspective, and imagine what they're feeling or how I would feel in that situation.
And I think true empathy has been what I've been seeking and some of what has been lacking. Even the best intentioned people have said stuff that wasn't so great. And so I withdraw deeper into my shadows. We all have to be careful. I've also said things that weren't so helpful- my empathy is strong but the communication piece requires thoughtfulness and making a habit of thinking before speaking instead of using platitudes.
So what's the point? Hmm. Be on the lookout for people in the shadows. (Not me, I'm sure at this point everyone knows what & where my shadows are!) And do what you can to help them see the sun/Son, while being aware that what they need more than anything is connection.
I remember bits & pieces of April 2nd. I remember calling the nurse and being fine at first but starting to cry as the anxiety I was feeling started to leak out. I remember I gave Carter my wallet to play with and he dumped every card in it on the exam room floor. I remember the doctor's compassion. I remember it was the first time I'd used the umbrella stroller and I couldn't figure out how to fold it back up so I had to wedge it in the car as it was. I remember calling Louis and then texting my family and my mom calling me within seconds to find out where I was so she could come get me, and then finally agreeing to just meet me at home. I remember she and Macy were there when I got there and she just hugged me. Macy cried with me. And they did something with Carter (could not tell you what) while I sat numbly. And then Louis got home and he held me. Have no idea what Carter did the rest of the day or if I ate anything. No one really said anything, but they were there. And over the next few days, it wasn't what anyone said to me that mattered, but the fact that they took the time to reach out. So let's check on each other. Make sure that the all-smiles and unicorns and rainbows posts on Instagram and Facebook aren't covering up deeper hurts. Make sure that no one ever feels like they are going through something alone. K? :)
