Becky Brooks is my hero.

Disclaimer: Becky does not know me from Adam. (But if she's looking for a new friend, let me know!)

A couple weeks ago I went to the Prestoncrest Ladies Retreat. To be honest, I was dreading it. I had impulsively signed up and even though I knew I needed it, I was almost to the point of dropping out. A sweet friend told me to go, I'd be fine once I got there, and to sit next to "Whitney" (not her real name) because she was fun. ;) 

So I went and sat next to Whitney and she was fun. 

But this weekend wasn't just about fun. In fact that wasn't what I drove home thinking about. (I was probably thinking about the fact that I needed a nap after I foolishly stayed up until 3 am talking to a dear friend, when both of us could have been fast asleep enjoying not being on mommy duty!) (but I digress, let's pretend I was thinking of loftier things) I was thinking about the loads and loads of truth Becky spoke that weekend. I have heard Becky speak twice before, and both times loved her delivery, her honesty, and her message. This weekend was no different. Here are some of the bullet points I came away with. 

I Kings 17 - after Elijah delivers some bad news to King Ahab, the Lord sends him away to the wilderness where he provides for him. Until one day the brook dries up. And sometimes your brook dries up because someone else needs you. After the brook dries up Elijah comes across a widow who uses her last bits of food to feed him. And then miraculously her food doesn't run out because the Lord provides for them. And then the widows son gets ill and dies, because hard things happen to obedient people. Luckily Elijah was there to intervene and life returned to the boy. In the midst of our greatest joys and heartaches we need to have people to share them with. 

I Kings 18 - after a "duel" between God and the prophets of Baal (which God wins handily) Elijah keeps sending a servant to look for rain, because he trusts that the Lord keeps his promises. And sometimes we need a friend to help us look for the Lord. We should all set aside time to be with friends that will show us the glory of God. We should pick one person to spend time with at least once a month to be each other's cheerleaders & prayer warriors. 

Becky's mother told her, "We're always either in the midst of heartache, walking out of heartache, or blindly about to walk into it." A pessimistic but realistic point of view. 

Just like in warfare today, Satan is devious. The enemy isn't after us because he hates us. He is out to wound our Father. He is out to punish the one who loves us. (This is one of those times where I'm feeling like God loves me a little too much ;)

But we must remember, the Lord is always with us, no matter where we are. And we end up together.

We are in a battle, and unfortunately people get wounded. We need to get angry, get back in there, and fight. 

At the end of this weekend, the coordinator of the retreat stood up and said that she had needed to remind herself that if this retreat helped one person then it would all be worth it. And I don't know Amy, but I should let her know that I was the person. I needed to hear this exact message. I needed some normalcy. I needed the to get out of the house and my own head. And the chocolate. And the encouragement. And the middle of the night heart to heart. 

Am I still mad/sad/frustrated/confused/unsure/doubtful/scared? Heck yes. Has this opened some very deep and raw wounds from trust and control issues? Yup. Am I working on it? Slowly but surely. 

1 month

Not sure how to start this post since I have so many many thoughts swirling around in my head right now!

I am now at the end of the hardest month of my life thus far.  Hmm. Am I "better" than I was 30 days ago? Yes. Am I good? Far from it. Last weekend at my sister's wedding someone who knew I was pregnant asked me how the baby was & as casually as I could I said "no more baby". And even though I said it lightly, I think it physically cracked my heart a little more. (I have a list in my head of the few people who knew I was pregnant and the ones I'm not Facebook friends with scare me the most right now, it's hard to see them & know the conversation that is inevitable.)

The biggest struggle I have right now is church. I thought it would be being around the people, but I think it's actually God. He and I are just not in the same place that we were in a month ago. It's really hard to sing (my best method of communication with Him) or pray right now. In fact it's downright impossible. I've only prayed once. The rest of the time I zone out and think of something else. Before Kara's wedding one of her oldest and dearest friends prayed over her and that was the first and only time I've engaged in a prayer. I cried through the whole thing, in part because I cry more than anyone I know and that was a totally appropriate emotionally charged moment, but also because I realized part of why I've felt so alone is because I put up so big a wall that even God was on the outside and letting him back in is painful. 

I heard a song in the car the other day that I've heard dozens of times but this time the words were like an arrow to my heart. 

Life gets tough, and times get hard
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies

If you're tired of wondering why

Your heart isn't healing

And nothing feels like home

Cause you're lost and alone just screaming at the sky

When you don't know what to say

Just say Jesus

There is power in the name

The name of Jesus

If the words won't come

Cause you're to afraid to pray

Just say Jesus

Whisper it now, or shout it out

However it comes out, He hears your cry

Out of nowhere He will come, you got to believe it

He will rescue you

Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Light

Wow. Have you ever had that experience? Re-heard a song at the perfect time and it was so much more impactful (I think I made that word up) than it had been any other time? I almost had to pull the car over. So I'm working on saying Jesus, and then a few more words, and then a few more, until I can make it through a prayer, and then a church service. Not sure how long that will take, so I can't promise when you'll see me back at church, but I'm working on it. 

Let's end with some positive thoughts:

-I talked with my doc about a lot of things. One thing he said really struck a chord with me. He strongly believes that God puts the right baby in a family. So not to say that this baby would have been the wrong one, but the one we get will be the perfect baby for us. The perfect sibling for Carter and the perfect son or daughter for Louis and I. I like this mindset. (On a doc related note, we don't have the genetic testing back yet so we don't know that info yet, but I am getting bloodwork done today that will make sure I'm healthy in a couple of related ways. And he agreed we can look at trying again in June instead of July.)

-a sweet friend told me yesterday that she realized that during her journey toward motherhood she had been focused on herself, and why the timing wasn't what she wanted. Later she realized the whole thing had been more about having the perfect timing for her girls and not for her. I also like this mindset.

-I have connected in a HUGE way to two friends who have both had their struggles in becoming mothers. Such a blessing to have people you can be frighteningly real with and know they are with you in your place of brokenness and not judging you.

-also, we have seen the return of diet coke to our fridge. I've been drinking caffeine free since October and decided to get the real deal at the store this week. It's silly, but I'm going to enjoy it for a month before I go back to water and the occasional diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored colored water). You may not think this is list-worthy, but if you know me well you know my love affair with diet coke.

-last week was National Infertility Awareness Week... Now on another post I can tell you all about why I don't consider myself infertile (I'm more fertile-ish, and I say it that way out of respect to women who really struggle to conceive), but I like the idea of bringing attention to all the complexities of fertility issues. I also LOVED this list that they released. I personally have been on the receiving end of several of these and it's not helpful. In fact, it's usually hurtful.

-not only have I had so many great moments with friends, I have tried to focus on Carter this month and have had great moments with him. I also have loved being at Sunshine School with those precious kiddos. And celebrating my brilliant husbands achievements (you can now call him Louis Palacios Jr., ASA, EA, MAAA). And gearing up for the ChristianWorks auction in the fall. And most importantly, the best middle sister I've ever had got MARRIED! It was a flipping awesome wedding! And she is happy happy happy, so I'm happy. If you need a set-up, let me know, I have a 100% success rate!

There is probably more to say, but I'll finish up for now. Thanks for reading.