Oh the irony...

My child has a feeding disorder. If you knew me in college you know that I majored in speech language pathology. Now without a masters degree (and a certificate & license) I am not qualified to evaluate or write a treatment plan, but I did learn just enough to know when something is wrong. And boy has it been clear for a while that something was wrong. Don't get me wrong, a HUGE part of our problem is stubbornness (where that comes from I have no idea), and now it's clear that he's also picky about flavors, but I also think that it has taken him longer than normal to develop the skills to eat (he never really developed the skills to nurse, so this is a long-term issue I guess).

His weight hasn't been an issue since his 2 month appointment, thanks to the copious amounts of formula he drinks, but that is obviously not a permanent solution. Our second pediatrician gave us advice that several people have now told me was bad, but luckily I have a friend who works for ECI and she got me started in getting info from there. They evaluated Carter before Christmas and agreed he needed therapy, and that started two weeks ago. The day before it started, he suddenly had an epiphany and ate a decent amount of table food at lunch, dinner, and the next lunch... More than ever anyway. I started giving him table food, really delicious kinds, like veggies boiled in chicken broth, and he has done great. He's getting his lateral incisors so we've had a rough week or so, but today for lunch he had turkey and veggies, and for dinner he had veggies, pears, and an entire whole grain blueberry waffle (the waffle was mostly for some calories and to hide the pears under). AND today he finally drank out of the darn sippy cup that I've been offering forever with no success. 

All this to say that once again as soon as I stopped shouldering the burden of an issue alone, and asked for help, the situation resolved itself. This was one of those things where I really felt alone physically. Not emotionally or anything, plenty of people have been supporting me this whole while, but no one is home with me to help with the stress of a feeding. I am definitely ready to be at the point where I plop Carter into his high chair, put a plate of food in front of him, and he will willingly have at it. Since I was a picky child (and am a picky adult for that matter), I don't expect him to be eating lima beans and brussel sprouts, but carrots and beans would be nice!

Next: This Morning

Why I Am Ready for #2

Well... Hmm. I started this post thinking I had a whole list of reasons to share, but the biggest one is "I want it now!" (said in the voice of Veruca Salt, the spoilt rich girl from the original Willy Wonka).

I really LOVED being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, it was not an "easy" pregnancy, but I handled it well. I had the nausea, and exhaustion (but teachers are used to being exhausted so whatevs), and the swollen feet, and my back hurt from sleeping differently, and I had a lot of pain from my gallbladder. Carter was head down by 28 weeks so he head butted my bladder and kicked my ribs for 10 weeks... I went to 37 pregnancy related doctors appointments between getting my retinas checked each trimester for signs of retinopathy, seeing my endocrinologist monthly, seeing the ob and perinatologist monthly, then bi monthly, then weekly... BUT STILL. I LOVED IT. I was overjoyed to be pregnant, and though we were "trying" for 9 months, I had been prepping my body for almost two years when I got pregnant. And Louis and I had been talking about our family since a few months into dating. I missed being pregnant before I had even fully recovered from my c-section. And I've known most of my life that above all else I wanted to be a mom. I really did try not to take any day for granted or complain. There are too many people that would love to be swollen or nauseated for me to ask for sympathy. (Also how I feel about parenting in general- it is one thing to whine to your closest buddies, but I don't think Facebook is a place for complaining about your children. I personally know plenty of people whose fertility issues (mine withstanding) make me sensitive to what I say.) Could the sheer joy and beauty of being pregnant make the Duggar family look appealing? To me, yes! 

Anyway. One of my reasons, and this may be odd to some of you, is that I am bored. Carter has been a pro at independent play his whole life, and does not care if I'm there or not. He does not sit still for reading books, or putting puzzles together, or walking around pointing out new things. No this boy wants to be down, running around, climbing, destroying, moving, banging, throwing, knocking down and generally causing havoc. ;) BUT at the same time, I can't exactly leave him alone for long for me to do anything, so I sit in his playroom a lot. Now you might say, "get a hobby", "read a book", "there are cheaper forms of entertainment than a child", which might be true...

I'm also ready for a do-over. I want to try again at this whole baby thing and see if I can do better! And do it before I forget the first round of mistakes. I mean this somewhat jokingly, but also not. 

I'm also ready to have two of the cutest kids on the planet. Seriously, if your child was as cute as mine, with the cheekies, and the waves, and the lashes and blue eyes, wouldn't you want to duplicate that?!

I also want Carter to start being a brother and sharing before he's old enough to get more needy/spoiled/selfish. Again, kinda joking, but not. The earlier I can work another kid into the mix the less he'll remember about the good old days when he was my one and only. He's already a mommas boy, and as sweet as it is for him to want me and only me to put him to sleep or hold him when he's sick or hurt, that's just not going to fly long term kid! The ob told me that the advice of the American Academy of Whoevers is to have your children no less than 18 months apart. Best health for everyone involved. Now obviously that is not a rule, the term Irish twins exists for a reason, but I thought it sounded good, and so that was kind of my goal. Knowing full well that I do not conceive easily we never prevented and would have been happy to get two that close. Crazy, exhausted, but happy. And though now it looks like they will be more like 2 years apart, I am 25 months older than my sister and the gap works beautifully for us!

I don't know if I can explain it better than that. I'm ready. I want it. I will be sad if this doesn't work and I have to wait longer. Although I've said several times that I will have a horde of kids whatever it takes, and adoption is not out of the question for us, but I really would like to be pregnant at least twice more. Hopefully I'll get to!

Next: Irony

Round 3

So we are 4.5 weeks into Round 3.  (Round 2 was a bust.) I will either get my period on Tuesday or a positive pregnancy test. This round I have less confidence in that possibility since this was another "failed" round, in that I didn't ovulate when I should have. I switched obgyns, and when I saw him on day 17 he did an ultrasound and found that I had a bunch of small follicles and a couple mediums but no nice big one like I should. The biggest was 16 mm, and he would like to see 24 mm. He said he believed I'd been under-treated so far (completely agree) and that he was going to double my dose of clomid next month, and then monitor to see how I respond. He said to reset my perspective to this being a 6 month process, and he is optimistic that this will do the trick for us. He has two year old twin boys that they got after IVF, so he has been through it all himself. He specializes in infertility and high risk pregnancy so he is exactly what I need. I left his office and told Louis "I'm in love". Seriously he is wonderful & I feel confident he will help us.

I'm pretty frustrated at this point that 1) my old doctor wasted my time & when I tried to tell them it wasn't working my complaints went unheard and 2) that we're having to work this hard at all. I am grateful that we have one perfect little blessing, and know that it could be worse, but I'm at the selfish part of the month. It's a cycle. Grieve the failure, reset with optimism, ramp up with hope, wait with mixed emotions, then self-pity when you never get that plus sign. 

Louis is still so trusting of God's timeline and God's plan. I agree that everything God has done for me has been nothing short of wonderful, but I am awful at seeing that while in the thick of things. One of many things I'm working on!

Next: #2