I am 33 weeks pregnant and am so ready for baby girl to be here. I'm scheduled for April 8 at 38 weeks, but I have a weird/hopeful feeling that I won't make it to that day. When I had Carter at 38 weeks I was sad. I was not ready to be done being pregnant. I loved being pregnant. Granted I had a very different pregnancy. Every symptom I had I took in stride and just dealt with because I was so thankful for the little blessing that was on its way. This time? I'm done. :) The positive attitude I had last time is running on fumes. I am so ready for this little girl to be born. Not actually ready, her nursery is barely set up and I still need to buy/do quite a few things, but I definitely want her to be here. And I think that part of that is that this pregnancy has been so different and has been so uncomfortable and I have experienced almost every symptom in the book at least at some point or another or the whole time, but I also had a realization other day. And I think this is an even bigger part of why I'm "done". I found out last year on February 16 that we were pregnant so by the time Carrie is born I will have been pregnant for 11 months, been anticipating a baby for almost 14, and if you count from when we started fertility drugs, waiting for 18 months. I mentioned this to a friend who has also dealt with miscarriage and she agreed- she said by the time her son was born she felt like she had been pregnant for 3 years. Ugh. We're all about instant gratification these days and that is a long delayed gratification. I hate waiting. Especially when it isn't my idea ;) It is weird to be nearing the anniversary of our miscarriage, and having it within days of Carrie's arrival. I'm not sure how I will feel that day. It's also weird to consider that had things gone differently, I would have a 4.5 month old right now, and Carrie wouldn't exist.
Overall I feel like I've been doing pretty good lately. I did have a full on panic attack several weeks ago - I had some weird pains and then couldn't remember when I'd felt her move last and I lost it and couldn't find our fetal heart monitor and then I really lost it and poked and prodded until finally I started feeling the rolling and stretching and probably angry protesting at being disturbed. And I immediately felt relief. But I was still shaken. I didn't expect to be so derailed by something so minor so quickly. It reminded me how much has changed, how much I have changed. I know I still am hypersensitive- people are just going to say things without thinking and I just have to remember no one means to be hurtful and let it roll off my back. But as I expected, in general, the closer we get to successfully completing this pregnancy, the better I feel. (Emotionally, that is. Physically, I am declining fast ;) She is moving like a Tasmanian devil (which her big brother did not do in utero, but does now, so that makes me curious what her personality will be- the opposite, or worse?), which gives me constant reassurance. I'm to the point of weekly ultrasounds with the perinatologist and weekly visits with the OB, and she is measuring about the same weight as Carter (possibly slightly larger) but shorter and with a normal sized head! We may have more of a chunk on our hands this time! But still perfectly healthy and unaffected by my diabetes. Which I cannot thank God enough for. And which definitely diminishes all my aches and pains.
Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.
Isaiah 25:1
