Update

Well whatever that cramping was it wasn't implantation, because 8 or so pregnancy tests and eventually my period confirmed that I wasn't pregnant. It was a rough couple of days in our house. As I told my sisters, when we were trying for Carter it was like a shot in the dark every month. Never knew if we were going to be successful or not, because there was so much unknown. This time, with everything being so scheduled, I feel like it should be like shooting fish in a barrel.  And if I can't do that, how much is it going to take to be successful? Making me ache for people who have to go through years of this and more. I don't know how they aren't just complete jerks all the time. Also makes me angry at people who get pregnant too easily and aren't responsible. Did you hear about the 22 year old woman in Houston who left her three toddlers (3 of 5 total children) at home alone while she went to work? Neighbor found them wandering outside in an apartment complex & going through the garbage. Ugh.

Round two started about 3.5 weeks ago, and we won't know for at least another week if we were successful. Last cycle I ovulated on day 16, and this time it wasn't until day 21. When I tried calling the doctor to talk about it, I of course only heard from the nurse, and she only wanted me to get labs drawn. On day 21. So I reexplained that I hadn't ovulated on day 14 like she was assuming, so she put me on hold and then came back and said we'd do it on day 29... Whatever, another reason I'll be switching doctors. I would love to be talking to the person who knows what's supposed to be going on, not the messenger. I feel like all my googling and reading has me more knowledgable than her, and she's my main contact. Not ok. 

Today for the first time in a long time I was thankful to be the mom of one child. Carter didn't nap well this morning at Sunshine School, so he fell asleep in the car on the way home, and then I woke him up in the transfer, and he wouldn't go back down. And when he finally did, the fedex guy rang the doorbell and Sadie barked and he got up again. Anyway, I went and got him when it became clear that napping was not happening, and we got to snuggle and giggle in my bed. He laid on my chest and had his arms tightly around my neck and was oh so precious. And had I had a younger child who also needed my attention I would have missed out on the sweetness. I would have picked him up, held him close for a few minutes, then put him down in his playroom and moved on. Today I had the opportunity and the good sense to cherish my time with him. I need to do that more often. He is, after all, the best baby I've ever had. Even though right this minute he is angry because instead of 3-4 hours of sleep today he got <1, and he's exhausted and nothing I'm doing is making it better and I can't lay him down for another 2 hours and all I want is for Louis to come home and rescue me. :)

I don't usually think about or talk about the devil's presence or actions, but his work on my attitude of this whole situation has been pretty impressive. He has managed to turn something amazing (my husband, son, family, other many many blessings) into nothing. None of that is enough when I'm angry or sad about my empty belly. Which is ridiculous. I am alive and well and am surrounded by love and blessings and have the grace of God. And I have the promise given to me that God's plans for me are good (Jer. 29:11) and that he will give me the desires of my heart (Ps. 37:4). Whether that be the old fashioned way or in some other way I know that it will happen. God did not make me this bossy for nothing!

Next: Round 3