Weirdness and the new me

10 week appointment went well.  Everything looked perfect.  Next week  hopefully we'll get the gender results and the week after that we'll have our first Level II Ultrasound. (This was the first one with Carter, and we immediately got to see what a rambunctious guy he was going to be! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDI393mHbM)

But its weird.  I realized today that at this point, this baby (#3?) has been "with" me longer than baby girl was "with" me.  And I was sad because I haven't done a lot of the things that I had already done at this point the first two times. I'm not as excited. Still so nervous. There haven't been any bump pictures.  No belly book.  No maternity or baby gear purchases. (Even at a consignment sale this morning I decided to not even look.) We've kind of looked at names but didn't get far.  I've stayed somewhat removed because a part of me expected something to go wrong. Besides school knowing, only about 5-6 of our friends know.  Because its still weird to share for some reason.  I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up.  (why?!?)

It's been 25 weeks since the D&C.  Wednesday's appointment was 25 weeks since the bad news day. If we make it to the end of the first trimester before sharing it will be the same week that we would have met baby girl. If this baby comes at 38+1 like Carter, it will be 5 days after the first anniversary of our miscarriage.

I just know the timing isn't a coincidence.  God had a hand in this timing.  God had a hand in all of this, I know, but he's really making it obvious for me (since I tend to be dense about these sort of things).

I think lately I've been kind of annoyed because I don't feel like myself. And I think I realized today that myself has changed. I am not going to at some point go back to the person I was. I "knew" that, but I don't think I knew that. So now, I have to decide what the new Dana is going to be like. I hope that she's slower - less worried about rushing to the next thing, less worried about getting past "this stage" and more focused on savoring what is in the now. I hope she's hopeful again, because I haven't felt very hopeful lately.  I hope she's kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and present, because my friends were living examples of those things these last few months. I hope she's joyful. Patient would be good but I've never once prayed for patience so I doubt now is a good time to start. I hope she trusts wholeheartedly in God. I hope she's everything her husband needs in a wife, and the best mother she has the power to be. I hope she's less frustrated, less angry, less anxious, and better about standing up against Satan's dark whispers.  It's going to take time, but I think she can get there.

Next: 12 Weeks

Green olive

8.5 weeks

Today we are 9 weeks and 5 days along. Baby is not quite an inch long (aka a green olive, grape, or wild strawberry, depending on which app you follow) and not quite an oz in weight. We have had 7 week and 8.5 week appointments, and this week we'll have a 10 week appointment. Next will come one or two 12 week appointments. Everything has looked great both times, and after last weeks sonogram I started looking for the heartbeat with our home doppler, and found it almost immediately. I have been listening in once or twice a day since just to check in. I absolutely love that sound and breathe so much easier after hearing it! After my appointment on Wednesday I'll have my blood drawn for the gender test, and we'll have the results within a week, sooner if we're lucky! 

It is kind of exciting and wonderful to be a week away from finding out the gender, and only days away from feeling like we're in the safe zone, but it's still more complicated than that, you know? We would have met our baby girl in about 3 weeks. I will have this baby within a week or two of the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Which is kind of cosmically purposeful I think. I knew I'd be feeling more optimistic (and stable, frankly) the closer we got to 12 weeks, and so far that's true. I've also had a couple amazing weeks in counseling, that led to some huge realizations. Even though I don't know where I'm going with the new information, the knowledge has already made a difference. 

I haven't physically been feeling any better yet, but I know that soon I will be and that will help too. School, housekeeping, and mommyhood will all be easier soon! 

Speaking of, Carter is such a big guy. Today he ran a fever just in the morning so we stayed home and just hung out in our pjs all day, and so many things he did made me marvel at him. Not to mention the fact that he has been crawling out of his crib every morning and sometimes after naps, so tonight he's sleeping in the toddler bed version of his crib (fingers crossed)! I think I definitely could have managed a newborn right now, knowing what he's like! He will be even better in the spring and will be such a good helper. He will rub my tummy if you ask where mommas baby is, and will give the baby a kiss when prompted (and in the mood for tricks). Such a fun stage! (Not so fun is the wrestling match we had this evening on the kitchen floor as I tried to undress him before he ate spaghetti, but oh well, it's still two steps forward and one step back!)

Next: Weirdness

What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive

Broken

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing

Here's my broken hallelujah.

"Broken Hallelujah" by The Afters (shortened by me)

This has been one of those days. I can't really put my finger on it. I haven't felt like myself for what seems like an eternity. Little things happen here and there. And suddenly, I'm screaming at the dog because she chewed up my new black heel, that I just bought to replace the last pair of black heels she chewed on. (Griffey, never Sadie) (And it sounds like she does this frequently but in one year she has damaged 5 shoes [not pairs] to varying extents, so I never think to puppy proof & then she catches me off guard.)

And I broke down. Sat on the couch and sobbed while Carter & Sadie stared. What?! Over a shoe?! And I have probably 6 other pairs of black heels in varying heights and fabrications, just not strappy summery ones, but summer is over so who even cares? 

And then my response was to immediately be furious at anyone who is happy right now. Because that definitely makes sense. And I deleted Facebook off my phone. (Which is never a bad thing, but still slightly irrational.) 

I'm wallowing in self-pity and confusion and doubt and fear. And I hate it. It's one of those days I'm irate that Eve was such an idiot. We could be in freaking Eden, walking with God, happily naked as a newborn, and enjoying this paradise God created for us. But instead my heart aches for the little girl we lost. And every other child who was taken too soon. And every incredible person who gets sick. And every good person whose dreams & plans get derailed by this uncontrollable, sinful world we live in. And I'm mad that there are "bad" people in the world that hurt other people. And still get good things. Today I wouldn't be sad to learn that Dante's hell is how it really works. 

I took a nap but woke up still frustrated. I'm trying to move on. To give it up. This is a battle I'm not winning. The world will never involve a pair of scales that keep things fair and balanced. Anger will get me nowhere. God DOES have a plan. One day I won't hurt as badly. I won't want to move away and start over. But today I'm broken. And trying to still sing my hallelujahs. 

Sidenote: I've read & reread this several times, and I don't want this to come off as complaining or a cry for attention or pity. Just an invitation- if you're hurting, I'm here with you. I can pray for you, & would love for you to pray for me. This is me, the good, and right now mostly the bad & ugly. I don't think it's necessary or healthy to hide or gloss over stuff like this. If you're reading this, you're either part of my "community" or possibly a creepy stalker. And communities exist for times like this. As much as I'd like to keep this inside & withdraw until I'm less messy inside, that's not what's best. So bare with me while I stumble & hopefully soon my posts will be a lot sunnier. :)

Blueberry

This week we had our first appointment and first ultrasound and got to see our little blueberry! It doesn't look like much right now, but doc says everything looks as good as it possibly could right now, and he was pleased to see the heartbeat. He said the odds of success are about 80-85% at this point. He also reminded me that even with our history, thanks to knowing exactly what went wrong the last time, he doesn't have any more expectations of trouble than he would with any other person. We'll go back in about 10 days and check in again, at which we'll be at 90-95%. I'm pretty sure I'm going to make it so we go every 10-14 days until we hit 12 weeks, just so I can feel as comfortable as I can.

I told my counselor this week that I'm feeling very bipolar. Not literally, but it's as if the logical and emotional, positive and negative, best- and worst-case scenario, certain and uncertain halves of me are battling it out. I go from one side to the other constantly. I felt really excited for my appointment this week, until I got there, at which point I was pretty sure there wasn't going to be anything to see. Last Wednesday I felt great, not pregnant at all, so I was pretty sure something was wrong (though sickness everyday this week says I'm still pregnant). Part of me says, last time we just had bad luck, one of those things that happens frequently but shouldnt re-occur, but the other part says that there are a million ways that the delicate process of genetics can go wrong, and we could have more bad luck. It's a weird spot to be in. And since I've told everyone at school (who have been awesome) they are all excited for me, and are sweet enough to check in and see how I'm feeling or whatever. But I'm not 100% excited. I'm maybe 60/40 excited/scared. I am hoping, that in 2 1/2 weeks, making it past the point where we lost baby girl, will reduce that a lot further. 

There was SO MUCH JOY in my pregnancy with Carter. Partly because of the long months to get pregnant with him, and partly because of a deep sense of fulfillment. I have said before that I did not really care what happened to me because I was GROWING A BABY. And although I was quietly uneasy a lot in the spring, we were still overjoyed. But this time, even though I know now even more certainly how special this gift is, the joy is overshadowed a lot by fear. And I know where that fear comes from (you know who). I know who can take it away, even though it is very logical and He understands. But I'm still having trouble 1) giving it up or 2) even speaking that personally to Him. My prayers are mostly wordless. Feelings, general thoughts, a few "You know what I need and please take care of this baby and the mess that is currently it's mother".

I'm debating telling a few close friends (besides the 1 who has known since day 1), who not only have been so amazing these last 6 months (well, and several years), but who I know will pray fervently for me while I still don't have the words. Girls who know the pain I have been through and the complicatedness of my feelings with this baby. Girls who will happily share in the joy and will be there for me in the event of any other problems. Sharing will probably happen, even though I'm not exactly certain how. Bringing it up feels weird. The words feel weird in my mouth. I'm not sure why I'm struggling - it was all I could do to keep it inside with Carter.

I'm also debating when to tell the general public. It might happen at 10 weeks, after I feel like we're in the safe zone. Or maybe I can make it a little longer. I feel silly waiting when I know the whole story will be posted on here regardless. 

Side note: I was a little peeved when I saw the Duggar girl (whose name I can't remember because I don't actually watch the show) announced her pregnancy very early. "Doesn't she realize what can happen?" "Don't they know how special that is, and it shouldn't be People.com material?" "Do they have any respect for people who don't get pregnant the first month of trying?" But since, I have read more, and have calmed down ;) I like their stance. A baby IS special even from day one. And if something does happen (heaven forbid) they can open up about it like other "celebrities" have who I admired for that. I'm still not sure that this family should be so quick to call People, but who knows if they do that in an attempt to battle the gossip hounds and keep rumors at bay. I'll try not to judge. ;)

Anyway, my homework from counseling this week is to find a way to bond with this baby, in a way that feels comfortable to me (which is because I expressed worry that my mostly unsuccessful attempts at detachment would be hurtful later on). Like hurtful to myself- I don't want to get to a certain point and realize I have tried so hard to keep my heart safe through purposeful denial that now I hardly have an emotional response to this child growing inside me. Is that a little over dramatic? Oh I'm sure. I've already realized that I'm not really that detached- sobbing AFTER my appointment on Wednesday was indicative of how much anxiety and emotion was built up and hinging on a good outcome. I've already made all sorts of plans. I have a maternity dress for Macy's wedding. At Halloween I'm not dressing up in anything preggo related and instead I think we'll be Jake, Izzie, and Cubby of the Neverland Pirates. I'm expecting to miss the last 4-5 weeks of school. After our family's trip to Port Aransas last weekend we were talking about getting a cabin in Colorado next summer and I realized traveling (driving or flying) with two kids will be probably the least fun thing ever. (Maybe Carter can ride in a different car!?) I've been kind of looking at names. I will know in about 3 weeks if it's a boy or girl and was glad to see that there's a JBF sale after that so I can start grabbing a few things, since regardless of gender this kiddo is in the opposite season C was born in. 

Anyway. Looking for ways to bond. Another letter? Maybe? Maybe we'll start taking "belly" pics next week, since there really hasn't been much to see yet (and still at this point it's just bloat) so maybe that will help. I really feel like I will be whole new person in 3-5 weeks. I will know the gender, have heard the heartbeat, had another 2-4 ultrasounds, and will be in the 95-98% success zone, and hopefully can relax a little!

Next: What you don't get