Struggling in the shadows

Before we drove west for Thanksgiving I grabbed a book off the shelf that I hadn't read in awhile, and once you read one book in a series, you have to read all of them right? Well this is a series about four WWI era sisters living in England, and each of the books in the series tells the story of life after losing their mother from their own perspective, by Ruth Elwin Harris. All that is beside the point really, but I say that because I came across this quote in the second book: 

And I am kind of in love with it. It's been written on my heart for over a week. I'm even thinking about tattooing it on my forehead. Or maybe my arm so I can see it easier. I tried looking up the source and didn't have much luck, except that it was a Maori proverb. I liked it because it so accurately reflects where I'm at right now, and what my focus has been. I'm not only trying to turn my face toward the sun, but also the Son. Some days I'm more successful than others. 

(This is where this post may get random, because I'm struggling to organize my thoughts swirling around this.)

Some days I am positive and upbeat, filled with contentment and peace. More days than not actually. Last Wednesday was one of those days. We had a wonderful 20 week ultrasound and Baby Girl's fetal echo looked perfect (diabetes loves to mess with my kidneys & retinas and baby's heart). The doc told me I couldn't be doing better if I tried. I then went to a counseling session that also went really well, and left me feeling good about where I was at on something specific we'd been focusing on lately. 

But then Friday had hills and valleys of emotions. And I'm trying to focus on the fact that my lap is full of one baby and my tummy is full of another, but still the shadows are creeping up. 

It made me think... 

How often do we have a friend who is struggling in the shadows and we don't even know it? 

Who do I know who is struggling to face the sun? 

Either our own shadows distract us from seeing anything else beyond the darkness (this is so my problem) or the light we are basking in is so bright it drowns out others' shadows. And it's easy to do. We are so linked by technology but separated by busyness and schedules and life. 

I told a friend a couple weeks ago that I have wanted so many times to run away, start over, hide from what makes me sad or insecure. And she reminded me (I knew this but needed to hear it), that then we would just have the same issues in a new place. I mishandle my "issues" by withdrawing and hiding from them (& other people). Others choose to act as if there are no issues, and cover them up with a façade. Either way, if you aren't present or aren't acting as if anything is anything other than perfect, it is difficult for others to be aware, even if they are paying attention. 

Here's a quote from a genius: "When your nature is to be relational but relationships are what are hurtful it becomes confusing how to take care of yourself and meet both needs- to be with people in fellowship and to isolate to protect." 

This is part of my issue currently. Though I am very introverted, I seek and benefit from having a few quality relationships. I will never be the life of the party. I will rarely choose a night out with a big group of people over dinner with a close friend or two. Those connections are so important to my psyche. I, luckily, have some wonderful people who fill my bucket. But the general population is sometimes a different story. 

Here's a 2.5 minute video that everyone needs to watch. http://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw 

High points:

-4th component of empathy is communication (I think most people are more empathetic than their words show).

-Empathic responses rarely if ever begin with "at least...". 

-Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection. 

I am empathetic to a fault. (While looking for the link to that video I found several articles and studies about reading fiction contributing to empathetic skills, and almost no one I know has read more fiction than I have, so I blame my bookwormyness.) I can cry at a commercial, a semi sad moment in a non-sad movie (X-Men...), a Mavs game (yes it's happened). All because I too easily put myself in someone else's shoes, view a situation from their perspective, and imagine what they're feeling or how I would feel in that situation. 

And I think true empathy has been what I've been seeking and some of what has been lacking. Even the best intentioned people have said stuff that wasn't so great. And so I withdraw deeper into my shadows. We all have to be careful. I've also said things that weren't so helpful- my empathy is strong but the communication piece requires thoughtfulness and making a habit of thinking before speaking instead of using platitudes. 

So what's the point? Hmm. Be on the lookout for people in the shadows. (Not me, I'm sure at this point everyone knows what & where my shadows are!) And do what you can to help them see the sun/Son, while being aware that what they need more than anything is connection. 

I remember bits & pieces of April 2nd. I remember calling the nurse and being fine at first but starting to cry as the anxiety I was feeling started to leak out. I remember I gave Carter my wallet to play with and he dumped every card in it on the exam room floor. I remember the doctor's compassion. I remember it was the first time I'd used the umbrella stroller and I couldn't figure out how to fold it back up so I had to wedge it in the car as it was. I remember calling Louis and then texting my family and my mom calling me within seconds to find out where I was so she could come get me, and then finally agreeing to just meet me at home. I remember she and Macy were there when I got there and she just hugged me. Macy cried with me. And they did something with Carter (could not tell you what) while I sat numbly. And then Louis got home and he held me. Have no idea what Carter did the rest of the day or if I ate anything. No one really said anything, but they were there. And over the next few days, it wasn't what anyone said to me that mattered, but the fact that they took the time to reach out. So let's check on each other. Make sure that the all-smiles and unicorns and rainbows posts on Instagram and Facebook aren't covering up deeper hurts. Make sure that no one ever feels like they are going through something alone. K? :)

Baby's got a name & birthday!

How far along: 18 weeks (and a few days)

Total weight gain: 5 lbs

Baby is the size of a: Sweet potato

Best picture from a few weeks ago- she was a moving and a grooving and the only pics we have of her face are straight on which I call the alien face- not cute.

Maternity clothes: 100% in maternity pants & shirts are 50/50

Sleep: still getting as much as I can. Pulled out the pregnacy pillow last week and it's been lovely. Unfortunately we can add Charlie horses to the heartburn baby girl is causing!

Miss anything? The ability to put on pants and shoes without feeling like I need to rest a minute. I definitely wasn't this worn out this early with Carter!

Movement: I've been feeling her for the last week or two, and starting on Sunday she's been moving hard enough for Louis to feel too. We're both pretty enamored :)

Food cravings: sweet and cold still, which has resulted in quite a bit of Blue Bell consumed, especially since Peppermint is back and we have a big freezer in the garage with which to stock up!!! (And one doc told me I needed >2000 calories a day and the other told me he would be comfortable with me gaining 10 lbs by 20 weeks [aka 5 lbs in 2 weeks!] and 25-30 by delivery, even more if my blood sugars were good, so I'm feeling like I've got a little bit more wiggle room than I normally allow myself!)

Anything making you queasy or sick: still salty foods 

Have you started to show yet: for sure. Some cuts of tops disguise it decently, but most of my tops can't hide it anymore (not that I'm trying)!

I never know what to do with my hands or expression in these photos...

For reference Left is me at 18 weeks this time, and Right is me at 23 weeks with Carter... I might actually look 9 months by 9 months this time!

Other physical changes: my gums started bleeding this week which was surprising (even though my mom had warned me!) and a little gross

Gender: still a girl! Name is officially Carrie Evelyn! My mother's, mother's mother (my great grandmother) was Carrie Evelyn Peck, and I have loved it for a long long time. I loved it even more when I recently found out that Carrie means "dear" and Evelyn means "longed for child". It's been at the top of our list the whole time, I just took my time committing to it! 

Mood: good! Much less patient than I was with Carter... (About waiting 137 more days to meet her! Is that not FOREVER away?!? Maybe it's just because this time I know all the sweet goodness that is coming!)

Best moment of the week: Sharing her movement with Louis and picking her birthday! April 8th here we come! 

Looking forward to: Thanksgiving break next week- a full week of time with our families and lots of good food!

Laying it all on the changing table

Well here it is. Sixteen blog posts written over the past seventeen weeks documenting our journey to this baby.  Today I would have been 38 weeks pregnant and probably expecting to meet our daughter in the next few days, so it felt like a good day to share this baby girl's story so far.

Start here:

Starting Again

12 week happenings

This week we met with the genetic counselor, had our first level 2 ultrasound with our perinatologist, and decided to make our news facebook official! 

The genetic counselor was under the impression we were going to do some genetic testing on Wednesday, but once we talked through everything, we decided not to. The ultrasound part of the test was going to happen regardless, and we said only in the event of that having worrisome results on that would we consider anything else, because I just don't care to know. This baby has had 4 sonos already and will have 8-10 more, so if there is something BIG wrong, we'll see it. Anything else we get, we'll deal with it when we need to. I told the doc I was more worried about my mental health for the next 6 months than having all the facts right now, and that after losing a baby, there wasn't anything we cared about unless it was life threatening. 

So we did the sono and everything looked great. Perfect. The nucal fold measured at 1 mm (1-3 is normal, 3+ is worrisome) and all the facial bones were present and perfect. We saw the brain, spine, chambers of the heart, umbilical cord and blood supply, stomach, arms, legs, hands, feet, and watched her bounce like her brother. Yes, her. Which I'm still struggling to wrap my mind and my vocabulary around. The stenographer said she was 65% sure it was a girl, and when the doc came in for his exam, he said he was 98% sure. (And he's the director for MFM at Presby so he has a good deal of experience!) We still haven't gotten the blood results back (not helping my impression of Canadians...) but seeing it in black and white made it pretty clear. And this doc measured Carter within a couple ounces the day before he was born so he's kind of a MFM god in my mind ;)

A girl. Well. Ok. Yes that's what I wanted. And Louis too. And both our families for that matter. But for some reason I didn't think it would happen. And don't get me wrong, I'm pumped, there was baby girl shopping done within 6 hours of the news. But I don't think it has sunk in. We need to pick a name and I think that will help give her some sort of concrete identity. Some part of me is still detached, and since I don't know how I did that, I'm struggling to undo it. 

Aunt Macy helped me take a cute picture on Thursday, and I decided to go ahead and put it on facebook. Yes I still have 1-2 weeks in this trimester, but nothing will change between now and then. And this news is exciting, and praise worthy, and share worthy. And having all the information fully public will help this sink in a little more and up the excitement. But, on the flip side, I'm not 100% excited. Above 90% for sure, but there will always be a part of me that is sad and worried. And that may be hard to understand. I've had 3 different conversations in the last week that reminded me just how different our experience has been from the "norm" and just like I can't understand how some people are so flippant about pregnancy, they probably think I'm too consumed with it. And I am. Oh my y'all I am. Even though I'm detached in some way, I still listen to her heartbeat most days. This is the third of the most amazing gifts I have ever been given (Louis isn't a gift, he's a treasure I was sent on a journey to find) (aw) (that took me a while to come up with...). I am consumed with cherishing this tiny life and remembering her sister and loving on her brother. And even if it makes me weird, makes me awkward, and overly emotional. I'm ok with that because I know I have good reasons to be weird, awkward, and emotional! 

Weirdness and the new me

10 week appointment went well.  Everything looked perfect.  Next week  hopefully we'll get the gender results and the week after that we'll have our first Level II Ultrasound. (This was the first one with Carter, and we immediately got to see what a rambunctious guy he was going to be! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hDI393mHbM)

But its weird.  I realized today that at this point, this baby (#3?) has been "with" me longer than baby girl was "with" me.  And I was sad because I haven't done a lot of the things that I had already done at this point the first two times. I'm not as excited. Still so nervous. There haven't been any bump pictures.  No belly book.  No maternity or baby gear purchases. (Even at a consignment sale this morning I decided to not even look.) We've kind of looked at names but didn't get far.  I've stayed somewhat removed because a part of me expected something to go wrong. Besides school knowing, only about 5-6 of our friends know.  Because its still weird to share for some reason.  I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to bring it up.  (why?!?)

It's been 25 weeks since the D&C.  Wednesday's appointment was 25 weeks since the bad news day. If we make it to the end of the first trimester before sharing it will be the same week that we would have met baby girl. If this baby comes at 38+1 like Carter, it will be 5 days after the first anniversary of our miscarriage.

I just know the timing isn't a coincidence.  God had a hand in this timing.  God had a hand in all of this, I know, but he's really making it obvious for me (since I tend to be dense about these sort of things).

I think lately I've been kind of annoyed because I don't feel like myself. And I think I realized today that myself has changed. I am not going to at some point go back to the person I was. I "knew" that, but I don't think I knew that. So now, I have to decide what the new Dana is going to be like. I hope that she's slower - less worried about rushing to the next thing, less worried about getting past "this stage" and more focused on savoring what is in the now. I hope she's hopeful again, because I haven't felt very hopeful lately.  I hope she's kind, sensitive, thoughtful, and present, because my friends were living examples of those things these last few months. I hope she's joyful. Patient would be good but I've never once prayed for patience so I doubt now is a good time to start. I hope she trusts wholeheartedly in God. I hope she's everything her husband needs in a wife, and the best mother she has the power to be. I hope she's less frustrated, less angry, less anxious, and better about standing up against Satan's dark whispers.  It's going to take time, but I think she can get there.

Next: 12 Weeks

Green olive

8.5 weeks

Today we are 9 weeks and 5 days along. Baby is not quite an inch long (aka a green olive, grape, or wild strawberry, depending on which app you follow) and not quite an oz in weight. We have had 7 week and 8.5 week appointments, and this week we'll have a 10 week appointment. Next will come one or two 12 week appointments. Everything has looked great both times, and after last weeks sonogram I started looking for the heartbeat with our home doppler, and found it almost immediately. I have been listening in once or twice a day since just to check in. I absolutely love that sound and breathe so much easier after hearing it! After my appointment on Wednesday I'll have my blood drawn for the gender test, and we'll have the results within a week, sooner if we're lucky! 

It is kind of exciting and wonderful to be a week away from finding out the gender, and only days away from feeling like we're in the safe zone, but it's still more complicated than that, you know? We would have met our baby girl in about 3 weeks. I will have this baby within a week or two of the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Which is kind of cosmically purposeful I think. I knew I'd be feeling more optimistic (and stable, frankly) the closer we got to 12 weeks, and so far that's true. I've also had a couple amazing weeks in counseling, that led to some huge realizations. Even though I don't know where I'm going with the new information, the knowledge has already made a difference. 

I haven't physically been feeling any better yet, but I know that soon I will be and that will help too. School, housekeeping, and mommyhood will all be easier soon! 

Speaking of, Carter is such a big guy. Today he ran a fever just in the morning so we stayed home and just hung out in our pjs all day, and so many things he did made me marvel at him. Not to mention the fact that he has been crawling out of his crib every morning and sometimes after naps, so tonight he's sleeping in the toddler bed version of his crib (fingers crossed)! I think I definitely could have managed a newborn right now, knowing what he's like! He will be even better in the spring and will be such a good helper. He will rub my tummy if you ask where mommas baby is, and will give the baby a kiss when prompted (and in the mood for tricks). Such a fun stage! (Not so fun is the wrestling match we had this evening on the kitchen floor as I tried to undress him before he ate spaghetti, but oh well, it's still two steps forward and one step back!)

Next: Weirdness

What you fertile people don't get ;)

Bear with me here, and start with this video: (& I apologize there is one yucky word around 0:39)

http://youtu.be/BL-zFSj2Pi0

Now, I understood every word of this video, except MFIF.  Not because I've been through most of that, but because in the past I somewhat prepared myself for the possibility of needing to do some of that. Most of you have no idea what they were talking about. Because here's how it goes for you:

You decide you'd like a baby. You get off the pill (if necessary), maybe wait a couple months to get normalized (or don't). Start trying, and in 0-4 months (for most of my friends at least), you are pregnant. 9 blissful months pass, baby is born. You wait 1-2 years, decide it's time again, and repeat. no big deal.

For me, decide we want a baby. Talk to endocrinologist who tells you no, but tells you what has to happen so he'll say yes. You do those things, get the nod 9 months later, and get off the pill. You try for 4-5 months with no luck, and start trying harder (tracking BBT, CP, CM, using OPKs, etc). You might read a lot of stuff on the internet and in books about foolproof ways to help. And you might try some of them (candlestick method?). And for us, after 4-5 months of all that, we were blessed with Carter. 9 months and 3 dozen doctors appointments later, baby is born. Wait about 9 months to start trying again, realize something is more wrong than before, go to doc, get confirmation that although no tests show anything specific is wrong, something is definitely off, get offered clomid, take for 4 months (after doing copious amounts of research about clomid, positives, negatives, outcomes, etc). All the while trolling the internet and message boards for information, support, understanding. Get pregnant, 6 weeks pass, world falls apart when the unexpected happens (and suddenly all innocence surrounding the process is snatched away). Have d&c (which pre-insurance is $40,000 and they list it as an abortion, btw), rough recovery. 2-3 month wait while your uterus heals and your body replenishes the nutrients that are lost (and for me, extra iron to replace blood)(and if you don't know what extra iron does to you, count yourself lucky). Then back on the fertility drugs. Then when you do get pregnant again, you're thankful for magic drugs like femara, and feeling hope that although the drugs suck, you probably can get pregnant enough to have a big family, but also terrified the entire time that more bad luck will come your way and you'll lose another baby. 

It's just different. And I don't expect people to "get it". You can't. Just like I at this point cannot imagine losing my parents. Or my spouse. Or being homeless. Or fighting cancer. 

But. I totally think it's possible to (and most people do) recognize how complicated my feelings are due to what the last four years has looked like for us. Or anyone's feelings whose been through anything like this. (Disclaimer: there are many people in the world who work EVEN harder to have a family, I know this, I am actually in awe of these women for even functioning in society.)

Of my friends, there are many who have had a miscarriage (it's sadly common). I have two who have had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy (neither of whom have found a solution to that confusing problem, except adoption). I have one who has had multiple miscarriages (who did find a solution and now has a perfect baby boy). And I have one friend who has been trying to conceive for over two years (without assistance until now). (2nd Disclaimer: I may know more people that have struggled that I don't know about, not everyone is quite as unsecretive as I am, which is ok and understandable.)

But that means there are only a handful of people I know personally who "get it", or at least get some part of it. And that also is isolating. It can be just has hard for me to relate as it probably is for most people to relate to my mess. 

Do I have any brilliant advice? No. Well, this applies to anyone who has a friend who is going through something tough that they may not understand. Be there. Remind them you are there. Don't offer platitudes or generic statements of hope. Just acknowledge it sucks, but that you will be with them as long as it takes to get better. 

And something specific to pregnancy (just my opinion) (which you may not have thought of before, I know I really probably hadn't) - if you have a close friend (someone who's not just a Facebook friend) who you know is struggling to conceive, tell them privately if you are expecting, not publically. Text might even be better than in person. It is NOT that they won't be excited for you. It is NOT that they aren't going to celebrate that baby. For me, I just prefer time to process quietly in private. Caught unawares in public it is likely I embarrass myself with my tears. Even when someone you love has great news, there is still hurt (not toward that person but about the situation), and it is easier to deal with that hurt first, and then be able to smile and truly be excited in person. Even now that I'm pregnant I'm still surprised by the feelings that are stirred up by every baby announcement. It's momentary and I move quickly beyond the sting of the news to happiness for them, but it's still there. 

I hope this isn't too preachy.  That isn't my intent at all.  Just have had a couple recent conversations that led me down this path of thinking.

 I know women from other generations would have quietly struggled with infertility with no hope, no plans, no explanation. They would have either adopted or become the best aunts. But in this day and age it is so different. There is so much we do understand, even though it definitely is little compared to what we don't. There are so many fixes, options. But with that is still a lot of stress. A lot of pressure. A lot of feelings that are understandable even when they're irrational. I think the best bet is what Plato said. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Next: Green Olive

Broken

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing

Here's my broken hallelujah.

"Broken Hallelujah" by The Afters (shortened by me)

This has been one of those days. I can't really put my finger on it. I haven't felt like myself for what seems like an eternity. Little things happen here and there. And suddenly, I'm screaming at the dog because she chewed up my new black heel, that I just bought to replace the last pair of black heels she chewed on. (Griffey, never Sadie) (And it sounds like she does this frequently but in one year she has damaged 5 shoes [not pairs] to varying extents, so I never think to puppy proof & then she catches me off guard.)

And I broke down. Sat on the couch and sobbed while Carter & Sadie stared. What?! Over a shoe?! And I have probably 6 other pairs of black heels in varying heights and fabrications, just not strappy summery ones, but summer is over so who even cares? 

And then my response was to immediately be furious at anyone who is happy right now. Because that definitely makes sense. And I deleted Facebook off my phone. (Which is never a bad thing, but still slightly irrational.) 

I'm wallowing in self-pity and confusion and doubt and fear. And I hate it. It's one of those days I'm irate that Eve was such an idiot. We could be in freaking Eden, walking with God, happily naked as a newborn, and enjoying this paradise God created for us. But instead my heart aches for the little girl we lost. And every other child who was taken too soon. And every incredible person who gets sick. And every good person whose dreams & plans get derailed by this uncontrollable, sinful world we live in. And I'm mad that there are "bad" people in the world that hurt other people. And still get good things. Today I wouldn't be sad to learn that Dante's hell is how it really works. 

I took a nap but woke up still frustrated. I'm trying to move on. To give it up. This is a battle I'm not winning. The world will never involve a pair of scales that keep things fair and balanced. Anger will get me nowhere. God DOES have a plan. One day I won't hurt as badly. I won't want to move away and start over. But today I'm broken. And trying to still sing my hallelujahs. 

Sidenote: I've read & reread this several times, and I don't want this to come off as complaining or a cry for attention or pity. Just an invitation- if you're hurting, I'm here with you. I can pray for you, & would love for you to pray for me. This is me, the good, and right now mostly the bad & ugly. I don't think it's necessary or healthy to hide or gloss over stuff like this. If you're reading this, you're either part of my "community" or possibly a creepy stalker. And communities exist for times like this. As much as I'd like to keep this inside & withdraw until I'm less messy inside, that's not what's best. So bare with me while I stumble & hopefully soon my posts will be a lot sunnier. :)

Blueberry

This week we had our first appointment and first ultrasound and got to see our little blueberry! It doesn't look like much right now, but doc says everything looks as good as it possibly could right now, and he was pleased to see the heartbeat. He said the odds of success are about 80-85% at this point. He also reminded me that even with our history, thanks to knowing exactly what went wrong the last time, he doesn't have any more expectations of trouble than he would with any other person. We'll go back in about 10 days and check in again, at which we'll be at 90-95%. I'm pretty sure I'm going to make it so we go every 10-14 days until we hit 12 weeks, just so I can feel as comfortable as I can.

I told my counselor this week that I'm feeling very bipolar. Not literally, but it's as if the logical and emotional, positive and negative, best- and worst-case scenario, certain and uncertain halves of me are battling it out. I go from one side to the other constantly. I felt really excited for my appointment this week, until I got there, at which point I was pretty sure there wasn't going to be anything to see. Last Wednesday I felt great, not pregnant at all, so I was pretty sure something was wrong (though sickness everyday this week says I'm still pregnant). Part of me says, last time we just had bad luck, one of those things that happens frequently but shouldnt re-occur, but the other part says that there are a million ways that the delicate process of genetics can go wrong, and we could have more bad luck. It's a weird spot to be in. And since I've told everyone at school (who have been awesome) they are all excited for me, and are sweet enough to check in and see how I'm feeling or whatever. But I'm not 100% excited. I'm maybe 60/40 excited/scared. I am hoping, that in 2 1/2 weeks, making it past the point where we lost baby girl, will reduce that a lot further. 

There was SO MUCH JOY in my pregnancy with Carter. Partly because of the long months to get pregnant with him, and partly because of a deep sense of fulfillment. I have said before that I did not really care what happened to me because I was GROWING A BABY. And although I was quietly uneasy a lot in the spring, we were still overjoyed. But this time, even though I know now even more certainly how special this gift is, the joy is overshadowed a lot by fear. And I know where that fear comes from (you know who). I know who can take it away, even though it is very logical and He understands. But I'm still having trouble 1) giving it up or 2) even speaking that personally to Him. My prayers are mostly wordless. Feelings, general thoughts, a few "You know what I need and please take care of this baby and the mess that is currently it's mother".

I'm debating telling a few close friends (besides the 1 who has known since day 1), who not only have been so amazing these last 6 months (well, and several years), but who I know will pray fervently for me while I still don't have the words. Girls who know the pain I have been through and the complicatedness of my feelings with this baby. Girls who will happily share in the joy and will be there for me in the event of any other problems. Sharing will probably happen, even though I'm not exactly certain how. Bringing it up feels weird. The words feel weird in my mouth. I'm not sure why I'm struggling - it was all I could do to keep it inside with Carter.

I'm also debating when to tell the general public. It might happen at 10 weeks, after I feel like we're in the safe zone. Or maybe I can make it a little longer. I feel silly waiting when I know the whole story will be posted on here regardless. 

Side note: I was a little peeved when I saw the Duggar girl (whose name I can't remember because I don't actually watch the show) announced her pregnancy very early. "Doesn't she realize what can happen?" "Don't they know how special that is, and it shouldn't be People.com material?" "Do they have any respect for people who don't get pregnant the first month of trying?" But since, I have read more, and have calmed down ;) I like their stance. A baby IS special even from day one. And if something does happen (heaven forbid) they can open up about it like other "celebrities" have who I admired for that. I'm still not sure that this family should be so quick to call People, but who knows if they do that in an attempt to battle the gossip hounds and keep rumors at bay. I'll try not to judge. ;)

Anyway, my homework from counseling this week is to find a way to bond with this baby, in a way that feels comfortable to me (which is because I expressed worry that my mostly unsuccessful attempts at detachment would be hurtful later on). Like hurtful to myself- I don't want to get to a certain point and realize I have tried so hard to keep my heart safe through purposeful denial that now I hardly have an emotional response to this child growing inside me. Is that a little over dramatic? Oh I'm sure. I've already realized that I'm not really that detached- sobbing AFTER my appointment on Wednesday was indicative of how much anxiety and emotion was built up and hinging on a good outcome. I've already made all sorts of plans. I have a maternity dress for Macy's wedding. At Halloween I'm not dressing up in anything preggo related and instead I think we'll be Jake, Izzie, and Cubby of the Neverland Pirates. I'm expecting to miss the last 4-5 weeks of school. After our family's trip to Port Aransas last weekend we were talking about getting a cabin in Colorado next summer and I realized traveling (driving or flying) with two kids will be probably the least fun thing ever. (Maybe Carter can ride in a different car!?) I've been kind of looking at names. I will know in about 3 weeks if it's a boy or girl and was glad to see that there's a JBF sale after that so I can start grabbing a few things, since regardless of gender this kiddo is in the opposite season C was born in. 

Anyway. Looking for ways to bond. Another letter? Maybe? Maybe we'll start taking "belly" pics next week, since there really hasn't been much to see yet (and still at this point it's just bloat) so maybe that will help. I really feel like I will be whole new person in 3-5 weeks. I will know the gender, have heard the heartbeat, had another 2-4 ultrasounds, and will be in the 95-98% success zone, and hopefully can relax a little!

Next: What you don't get

The cat is out of the bag, sort of

So I have never felt this sick and miserable in my life. Oh wait yes I did, 6 months ago!! 

It comes and goes. Sometimes food or water makes it better, sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes laying down is the best course of action. Sometimes I need to get up and get busy and distract myself. Today I have had all of those situations. Woke up, took my zofran (that I started needing over a week ago), and ate a little something and still had to lay down after my shower. Went to school and ate a little something else and initially felt ok but the longer I sat there the worse it got. Then I got busy running around and I was fine. Then I got home and was starving so I ate, and now I'm back on the couch. 

For some people they are so sick (vomit-wise) they lose weight and get dehydrated. For me, I have trouble functioning because I'm everything but vomit-y. Like seasickness, vertigo, and a migraine all at once. I haven't thrown up yet, and will try not to, but I just want to 99% of the time. And I am completely intolerant of temperature- go from freezing to sweating in seconds. I'm basically getting the flu. For hopefully only 6-8 weeks. 

Thanks to all this mess I told everyone at school today. Yes it is super early. Yes I may be eating my words in the next 6 weeks. But it was going to come out anyway when they saw me laying on the floor or breathing deeply through my nose while sipping water and eating animal crackers (because salt makes me sicker). And I was also wearing my sea bands, because 2 zofran hadn't done much.

And you know what? I'm still so happy. Still scared and terrified and anxious and worried and nervous (yes those are all pretty much the same), but excited. Hopeful. Frustrated that my appointment got pushed back 5 days, but I can make it!

Next: Blueberry

Reflections

Today I am 5 weeks. I've had 8 days, about 10 pregnancy tests and two rounds of bloodwork to help process this and I'm much less teary than I was even before Monday.

My HCG was 90 on Tuesday and 498 on Friday, so it is increasing nicely. So far so good. Next Friday the 29th I should have my first appointment with an ultrasound. Won't see much but will be a little more assurance that things are developing as they should. 

Today I've started feeling weird. Not pregnant per se, but certain body parts are sensitive (ahem) and I've been dizzy/lightheaded, exhausted, and had bouts of nausea. We had Mexican for dinner and I felt so yucky afterward. Salty foods really affected me with baby girl, so maybe this time will be similar. 

School starts for me in less than a week, and in about two weeks for the kiddos. I am super super excited and am loving to get organized and pulling ideas and resources. I am meeting with the 4s teachers on Friday and am hopeful to get some good planning done and then will feel a little more prepared. 

I am feeling more centered and calm about these big changes. Trying still not to be consumed with thoughts of the future or specifically with worry, but I am finding myself thinking of the next 9 months with the assumption that there will be a baby at the end. Thinking that by Halloween we will be public with our news. At my sister's and Louis' brother's weddings we will be halfway along or more. That I will do my end of year assessment in April and that I need not be looking for a May field trip idea for school because I won't be there. 

I feel like that's something that will be difficult to adjust to if something changes (just like all of our plans from April-onward have had to change), but it is just the way I am and is probably a better way of approaching it for me. Although part of me is going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the next two months, I need to assume everything is going to be perfect and just keep myself busy with school and my precious boy. I also need to remember that I would survive another loss, and we would try again, and if we need to we will adopt. I will have a horde of kiddos. I will!

Next: The cat is out of the bag

Dear baby girl.

Last night, I told my counselor that we were pregnant. (Last week she had told me she had a dream where I told her I was pregnant, so this week I told her she could be a fortune teller!) We talked a lot about all my many complicated feelings about this pregnancy. Joy of course, but currently that is secondary to anxiety and fear. There is an initial innocent assumption that everything will turn out ok that has been replaced by the experience that the world just doesn't always work that way. I told her that in some ways I am trying to remain detached until I get some positive information that so far everything looks good. And her response is though that seems like a good idea, another idea is to approach those feelings head on. She asked how I would feel about writing a letter either to this new baby, or to our baby girl (or both). Although I haven't even begun this letter and I'm already uncomfortable, I'm going to forge ahead and see what I get...

Tiny one,

Even though you were oh so tiny when we lost you, and I only knew you for about 6 weeks, I loved you so so so much so so quick. You see, I felt pretty early you were a girl, and I was SO excited. Momma is a girly girl who loves shopping, pink, glitter, bows, Barbies, and ruffles. I have a special relationship with my Mom & Dad, and was excited your Daddy and I would get to share that with our own daughter. We were so excited about how close you would be to your brother. I knew he would be so good with you and would both protect you and give you a hard time. 

We had to work kind of hard to get you! I was actually sad when your brother was born because I loved being pregnant and loved having him in my tummy. I was ready pretty soon to be pregnant again. After several months it became clear that it wasn't going to be easy, so we found a doctor to help us. We couldn't believe it when we were finally successful! We started talking about names, I bought a double stroller, and even grabbed a pair of pink boots the week we were going to find out for sure if you were a girl or boy.

And yet I had been feeling uneasy for a long time. Every time we would go to the doctor I held my breath until we saw you. Every twinge was worrisome. And I heard your heartbeat at home and cried, because I was so relieved and happy. But then I couldn't find it so daddy could hear it, and I started to worry. The day I found out you were gone was no doubt the worst day of my life. I felt so alone. 

You have no idea the impact you had on our lives. It is extremely difficult to mourn someone who you never met or held, and yet had already dreamed countless dreams for. We miss you and what you could have been. You remind us to cherish what we have. Your big brother is even more special to us now that we know what a miracle we received to get pregnant naturally and not have any problems. Now that we are pregnant again, and dreaming of a new future with another baby, we are approaching everything differently. We are trying to protect our hearts, and not make assumptions, because there is no guarantee that we will meet this baby either. 

And yet there is hope. Hope in that we did get pregnant again. Hope that we will have another little girl. Hope that the fluke occurance that hurt your little heart won't happen again. Hope in that we have one perfect child and more will come. 

October 28th will always be a rough day for me. This October, we will hopefully be announcing that we are expecting again, but I will always remember. And April 2nd and 4th may always be hard too, but hopefully we also will get a new reason to smile next April. 

Know that not only will you never be forgotten, but I have also promised myself never to forget to be thankful for what I have, because I have been given many gifts, and none of them as special as my children. 

Love, 
Momma

Next: Reflections

The Man Who Got Me Pregnant

This isn't going to be about who you think, since I'm not talking about Louis. Now Louis is my baby daddy, obviously. But the man who really did the work to help us conceive is our ob/gyn, Hampton Richards.

I just want to give him a quick plug in case you happen to be in the market for an incredibly compassionate, optimistic, proactive, and empathetic doctor. He is patient with my lists of questions (asks me every time if I have questions, knowing that's how I roll). He is a good communicator, with very good bedside manner, and makes you feel so at ease. He remembers Louis & Carter's names every time. He is a third generation doctor (he works with his dad!), born and raised Texan, whose residency was at Northwestern (not too shabby).

The day we found out we miscarried he had squeezed me in, then shorted his own lunch break to sit with me and oh so gently explain everything. I seriously cannot imagine having to give people that news and he did it in the best way possible. 

He and his wife had their own share of fertility issues and were blessed with twin boys after ivf. He's been there. He understands the stress and emotional toll this process takes. 

He has two nurses who are both incredible. They call me back within a couple hours, often sooner. They are super efficient and they seem to have good communication with him, so they always know what's going on.

The office staff is also super nice and patient. His gynecology office is located across from the hospital (so free parking for yearly visits, yay) and for ob visits you move across the street to the hospital. His perinatologist is Brian Rinehart, whom we saw with Carter and is very kind and always put our mind at ease. (Calmed me down the day I scheduled an emergency appointment because I could tell my placenta was deteriorating and he agreed and told me I would be meeting my son the next day.)

After spending almost 9 years with my previous obgyn, I am sad I didn't find dr. Richards sooner! I never felt as comfortable, as positive, as clear about what was being done, or as cared for and about. I know that seeing a male obgyn isn't everyone's cup of tea, but Dr. Richards is seriously worth any initial weirdness!

Next: Dear Baby Girl

How Robin Williams Gave Me Good News

So last night while at dinner with friends we learned that Robin Williams had passed away, unfortunately at his own hand. Now I get sad whenever someone you feel like you know and love dies, and especially so when they do it to themself, whether intentionally or not (I also think of Cory Monteith, Whitney Houston, & Heath Ledger). But last night it really hit me hard! I was in tears on the way home & again this morning. Every time I read something I got more upset. And although I am empathetic to an extreme, that's not necessarily normal. Which kind of gave me a clue that something might be going on. 

Today was the earliest I could possibly get a positive test, so I had been waiting until today (shockingly- usually I test even if it's likely to be too early to tell). And I'm pregnant. And this time my emotional response is so complicated I don't even know how I'm feeling. Relived. Excited. Hopeful. Nervous. Scared. Realistic. Impatient. Happy. I already texted both of our families the news because even though it's a lame way to share, I wanted them to know immediately so they could be praying. Because I'm still not good at that. 

Part of me wants to start looking at nursery stuff and narrowing down the list of names (innocent stuff, right?)(and surely everything will be fine this time, right?), but another part of me doesn't want to do anything but act completely normal and uninterested until we know everything is good. I know girls who have had multiple miscarriages. I know girls who have had multiple after a successful pregnancy. And that possibility is terrifying. But that just isn't my personality. I can't not hope. I can't not dream. I can't not look at all the old wives tales to predict what the gender is before we find out for real. I can't not wonder if he/she'll be another mini-me with Louis' crazy boy personality, or if he/she'll look more like him but be calm and meek. We're due around April 22nd (by my calculations), so baby will come by the 15th but hopefully after the 8th. Personally I'd like 4/11/15 or 4/15/15, but we all know how my plans work out...

I am not sure yet when we'll share publically. Probably when it feels right. Definitely after 8 weeks but I don't know if we'll wait til after 12 or not. We'll see.

Next: The Man Who Got Me Pregnant

My ugly feelings.

This has been a hard week. We have had family stuff the last three weekends in a row, all involving people at our house, and we are gearing up for another weekend of guests. Louis and I haven't gotten to just relax and check in with each other in what feels like forever. (Not complaining about the company, it's been really fun, I just miss my quiet time with Louis!) Also, I ran out of my Zoloft prescription on Sunday, and was unable to refill it because our insurance is stupid. We are also days away from finding out if we're pregnant or not, and I'm impatient. It is also our 6th anniversary, which has led to some reflection that has left me with a menagerie of emotions... Here are the big three.

1) sad. I haven't felt straight up sad in  awhile. But this week has seen tears. I've seen photos of friends on Facebook holding their littles next to their big belly, and it has made me so sad. That should be me right now. I wanted that so badly. I definitely did not see us being married this long with only one child to show for it. If I'd written out a 6 year plan I would have expected to be pregnant with our third right now!  

2) angry. I've been angry for months now but this week the anger has been different. Not only have I seen a couple of news articles that prove that procreation should require a written exam and psychology testing, but my anger is turning away from the situation and towards others (not good I know). There are people who straight up don't deserve what they get. And that goes both ways. There are great people who have horrible hardships, and bad or mediocre people who everything seems to come so easily to. I know that what's equal isn't necessarily fair and what's fair probably isn't equal, but why? Why do some people have hurdle after hurdle to clamber over, and others just skip right along? I know that some people have things that they're dealing with that we can't see, but I know people who aren't dealing with anything, haven't dealt with anything, and whose life is going according to plan. And this isn't just a "why them and not me". This is about ALL the inequity. I have some friends fighting major, major battles I could use as examples but I don't want to embarrass them. This week it is making me so so angry. (And yes, I know that there is no good answer to all my questions and that's also making me angry) ;)

3) jealous. I'm jealous frequently. It's not a big deal. I think it's pretty common. I don't really get wrapped up in it or become consumed by it. Just a momentary comparison and I find myself wanting in some way (tan skin & voluminous hair get me every time) but I move on. But this week. Every belly, every baby, every pregnancy post, photo, comment, etc. gets me so down in the dumps. And I know some people get it. Some people are so aware of the miracle, the blessing, the gift. But others? Take the whole experience for granted. And I'm so jealous. Of the cravings & aversions, of the swelling, of the weight gain, insomnia, indigestion, heart burn, morning sickness... Because all those things are symptoms of the best thing in the world. Seriously. And if that sounds totally crazy to you then you might want to take a moment and process this. It is a gift. Every time you feel anything that makes you uncomfortable (even the hemorrhoids), remind yourself that you have been given a gift. Because truthfully I would have happily been as sick as I was the entire 9 months (or heck, 18 years) if that meant baby girl would have survived. I would have made that deal in an instant. 

I'm also thankful this week. Thankful for our families. Thankful for some of the very best friends I can imagine. Thankful that while we are struggling to conceive we have a roof over our heads, food in our fridge, cars to get us places, jobs to provide for our present and future, and the BEST little boy in the 'verse. (Firefly reference? Anyone?)

Next: Robin Williams Gave Me Good News

Grief. And a little hope.

There's a girl I don't really know, but whom I know through mutual friends, who recently experienced a very big loss of her own. She and her husband have been committing to adopting internationally since they got married. Not because they can't conceive naturally (I don't know them well enough to know if they've ever tried), but because their hearts are in love with sweet African babies in orphanages. They actually were matched with a little boy, and went through the entire process, went to pick him up only to learn that he wasn't theirs any longer. She had to come home empty handed to a house ready for a toddler.

My heart is still broken for them, and reading her blog made me ugly cry, because so many of the feelings she has are ones I can empathize with. I did not have the pleasure of meeting my child, of holding her, or seeing her smile, and while in someways I think that's harder, in other ways I think it's easier. 

I miscarried about 15 weeks ago. I would be 25 weeks now, and only 3 months away from delivery. That blows my mind. I feel silly sometimes, that something that was only in my life for 6 weeks and two days (how long I was aware of being pregnant), has such a strong and long-lasting impact on me still. I'm going to get my big family right? No matter the method or cost? So why so much pain and worry now? I'm not sure, because that's what I do, worry?

This girl (I want to call her a friend because I've read every blog post but honestly I don't know if she would even remember who I am), has been having guest bloggers post recently. And one of the most recent wrote something I wanted to share: 

"If you have a friend in the thick of grief, don’t abandon them. Don’t put a time-limit on your compassion.These things play out differently for everyone, and no one wants to feel like their grief is taking too long or inconveniencing others. Just keep on with them. Keep encouraging them. Keep crying with them. Keep assuring them this hand they have been dealt really does suck as much they feel like it does. Just be with them. It will look different in every relationship. But forget about time and cliches that attempt to comfort. Hug them. Take them out for dinner, if they feel like getting dressed. If they don’t, bring them a pizza and watch a stupid movie with them. If they want to talk, listen. If they don’t, just sit. Your pretense of understanding is unnecessary. Your compassion for their hurting hearts are what will help pull them out of bed on those harder days."

I have some amazing friends who even though they cannot understand what we are going through, have stuck with me and are still reminding me that they're with me. You know who you are, and thank you!

I'm not "over" this. As a highly emotional, highly sensitive, female with a good memory, I probably won't ever "get over it". And I think I'm ok with that. Time will make it easier to bear. Things will happen that will make the first week in April good again. And the last week in October. I will be able to see an ultrasound, a bump picture, or a Facebook announcement without getting upset. I know that in a decade, when I feel like my family is complete and I'm exhausted by all the laundry, cleaning, and cooking that comes with multiple kids, I will look back at this time. I won't remember it fondly or anything, but hopefully I remember it as a time of growth. Of reprioritizing. Of focusing on the good. Of learning to take advantage of what I have in this moment, and not worrying about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

I bought some super on sale maternity pants today because um $12 from Gap? And because I feel 99% sure I will carry another baby (or three). I will. And as silly as I felt buying something I don't need, I felt kind of good that it showed that I have not given up hope. Even though some days I want to wash my hands of this whole fertility thing and go grab 3 of those immigrant children and bring them home (and then learn more than the 3 dozen Spanish words I know). And if that is God's plan, we'll see it through as well. But not before giving the (semi) "old fashioned way" a good fight. 

Next: My Ugly Feelings

27 needles

Yesterday I had two doctors appointments. Louis was kind enough to work from home and stay with Carter because one of them was my bi-weekly ultrasound (which Carter only has limited patience for) and the other was my first acupuncture appointment. Yes, you read that right, acupuncture.

I went to a doc in Preston Hollow whom I allowed, nay paid to stick me with needles. 27 of them in fact. I ended up with three in each ear (the most uncomfortable for sure), two in each arm, five in my stomach, and three on each leg, then after 20 minutes I rolled over and he did four in my back and one on each ankle. 

It wasn't that bad, but it wasn't the most fun 45 minutes I've ever had. During the 20 minute waits you have to lay still, and he turns off the light, has soft music playing, and turns on a heat lamp. I had plenty of time to think. I started by thinking positive, hopeful thoughts. "This cycle is going to work." "We are going to get pregnant with the perfect, healthy baby boy or girl (but hopefully girl)(but most hopefully healthy)." "We're going to get a nice big sticky egg." And then I  turned to less lofty thoughts... "Ow, don't turn your head Dana, those ear ones are tender." "Can you believe you're doing this? This better help. I don't know how many sessions of this I can take." "Is this even for real? I bet I could stick needles in people." And then I thought, this is what it's come to. This is how desperate I am!

Desperate. A word that I've used before but now am really feeling and understanding. The only pressure I've felt at any point in this process is self induced, and somehow I managed in ramp it up even more. I'm having trouble undoing that pressure. 

The ultrasound results were very positive. This was our first round of femara, and on day 13 we had a nice 22x24mm follicle. Right where we need to be. We'll know around our anniversary if April will be the month of Baby P or not!

Next: Grief. And a little hope.

Not pregnant

Seriously the worst words in the universe. For some people that would be good news, but I have never taken a pregnancy test and wanted that result. I will warn you, this was a rough time for me and this may be a rough post.

I just took a test and even though it *could* be too early to tell, it was one of the highly sensitive ones, and so it could have picked up on something if there was something to pick up on. I saw the single line and my heart dropped and I now have a headache and am sick to my stomach. As much as I knew this was the probable result after 3 previously failed cycles and the results of the ultrasound, a HUGE part of me wanted this cycle to work. I wanted to get pregnant immediately, with another little girl, or heck, two. That would be redemptive. 

I am just so darn angry that this is so difficult. Why? Why? Why? ALL I want is to be a pregnant. Seriously. I would give up our house, my new car, my closet full of clothes, all the little luxuries I enjoy, heck I would probably give up diet coke and chocolate forever if someone told me that would mean we could get pregnant when and how we wanted. Oh and carbs. And reading. 

I'm going to say something that will probably upset a few people but it's how I feel and that's that. The miscarriage was difficult. Heart breaking. Soul cracking. Faith rocking. It is impossibly difficult to grieve someone you didn't even know, but fell so completely in love with in a matter of seconds. You don't have memories to remember them by, and so many outsiders cannot relate. BUT. To me, the monthly (yearly?) struggle to get pregnant is a little worse. Yes, there isn't loss. But there also is very little hope. 11.5 months of pregnancy in 40+ un-prevented months doesn't make for good odds. Now multiple miscarriages, that's a different story. Something I can't comment on. But not being certain if 1) I can or will get pregnant again PLUS 2) the possibility of losing another baby takes such a huge emotional toll...

I am constantly consumed with thoughts about our family, our angel daughter, our potential future children and the possibility of having to find another avenue to complete our family. Constantly wondering if the drugs are doing what they should, if a good sperm got with a good egg and implanted or not. If I am a few weeks pregnant or just waiting for my period. If next month is going to be the trick. Is March 23rd going to be my due date? Or end of April? Or May? Or the summer? Or never again? 

Between my OCD, my type A-ness, my anxiety, and my control issues, this is something that is FAR too big to easily give up to God. I cannot figure out how to not think about it, not worry about it. Not wonder and dream and hope but also be realistic. That isn't my nature and if that is the point of all this drama then that stinks. How do I give it up? Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else also been through something so big that they couldn't do it alone? I can not physically do any more than I'm doing right now. But I don't know if I can emotionally back off.

Next: 27 Needles

Waiting to exhale

Well we are in the midst of the "TWW". This weekend (also my 28th birthday) we will hopefully get a positive pregnancy test, or AF will show up Monday or Tuesday.

When we went in for our day 12 ultrasound, we found 1 medium follicle (15mm) and 4-5 small ones. Ugh. Not what we hoped. It ended up taking another week for me to ovulate, so it's very very possible that by then we had a nice healthy big follicle in there (they grow about 2 mm per day), but still the clomid isn't working exactly like it should. The predictable response should be for ovulation to occur on or very near day 14 with a nice big follicle. Since it didn't give me that big follicle and I didn't ovulate until day 19, next month the plan will probably we change. 

My doc already kind of laid out the plan (which is why I love him, already thinking ahead and being proactive instead of reactive). He's afraid more clomid will give us more follicles instead of one bigger timely one (as desperately as I want a big family I don't want quints...). Next month we'll try femara, which is a drug developed for a very different purpose, but which gives a similar result. If this month isn't successful hopefully that will do the trick. 

I have mixed feelings about testing this weekend. I'm frustrated that we got a good egg in January and a bad sperm is the one that was successful in fertilizing it (I'll go ahead and throw it out there that nothing Louis did or didn't do had anything to do with it and I in no way hold him responsible.  Just bad luck!). Like, if it wasn't going to work out, why let it work at all? It could have been another failed cycle and then maybe February would have worked and I would still be halfway through a healthy pregnancy. The last double line test I got was such a roller coaster and something I am definitely not ready to go through again. I already feel like this month will be unsuccessful, and I'm not looking forward to many more months of all these up and downs. Though if it is positive I will still be holding my breath for 8 or more weeks while we wait to see if everything is ok. Ready for this piece of life to be over!

Next: Not Pregnant

Checking In

(Stolen from someone, possibly Kate Bryan)

Making: Pre-K lesson plans
Cooking: very little. I'm in the midst of organizing the mother of all freezer cooking sessions, so it's super easy stuff for now. 
Drinking : diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored, colored water)
Reading: Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker and Birth by Tina Cassidy (I NEVER read two at once but Interrupted's a little heavy!)
Wanting: someone to clean and organize my bathroom for me
Looking: forward to setting up my classroom next week & then heading to Port A with my favorite people in the world!
Playing: Netflix. Lots of Star Trek when I can't sleep. 
Wasting: time. It's 3:32 am. I should have been asleep hours ago like my snoring husband. 
Sewing: the answer should be curtains, but the fabric is sitting on my sewing table, waiting patiently. 
Wishing: we could gut the aforementioned bathroom & start over. (Someday!) 
Enjoying: our house! We've had so much company lately that it's stayed really clean & picked up and it's so nice!
Waiting: for Godot. 
Liking: the feeling I'm getting from prepping for school. After months of feeling adrift, I am back in my element, organized, and in control!
Wondering: if the busyness I'm creating for myself to stay distracted is a healthy or unhealthy coping mechanism. 
Loving: this stage of Carter's! He is doing the cutest, smartest, big boy things & picking up new skills left & right! 
Hoping: the transition from 1 nap to 2 (that I think is imminent) goes smoothly! 
Needing: to go to sleep!!!
Smelling: clean sheets
Wearing: the least attractive pjs ever (imagine long sleeved, collared, button down, to about mid-thigh, in a blue stripe pattern, with yoga capris & socks)
Noticing: I probably need new pjs. 
Knowing: my husband doesn't care. (But I digress.)
Thinking: about way too much as usual. 
Feeling: anxious. Excited. Nervous. Impatient. 
Opening: up a new chapter? (That's an awkward prompt!) I am feeling positive about what the next year will bring!

My low-light reel

So all over Pinterest and Facebook lately I have seen graphics like these:

Which must mean a lot of people need the reminder, including myself!

I definitely have times where I cut myself off from Facebook (see: http://thepalaciospensieve.blogspot.com/2013/03/lintfacebooklent.html) because I find myself discontent with my own life as a result of what others post.

I try, on my own wall, to post things with a healthy balance of encouragement, humor, and realism, without too much negativity or bragging. I don't want anyone (including my child one day) to think he is anything but the best thing I've ever done, regardless of temper tantrums, short naps, or failed meals. I also don't want anyone to think he or I are perfect, because that is far from true. 

Recently I read this blog post (http://www.thehandmadehome.net/2014/06/stop-apologizing-already/) and even though her point was a little different, the gist was so similar to thoughts I had been having over the last few days. I decided to snap a few photos and show you my low-light reel, because stressing about a messy house and dirty laundry aren't why God blessed us with a house and plenty of clothes to wear!

Still not unpacked from Chicago... (I actually did finish unpacking last night!)

All three baskets have clean clothes that need to be folded/hung up/put away!

Because those three baskets are already full, this is the mound of laundry growing in our bathroom... 

This is Carter's playroom. And it is this messy almost constantly. Pinterest worthy, right?

This is our sink, which only looks this way because this morning I spent 45 minutes unloading, reloading, and running the dishwasher, which should have happened when the load finished, two days ago...

I'm not saying we shouldn't clean our houses or worry about such things, but we have to give ourselves a break sometimes! Everybody has something that falls through the cracks every once in awhile. We cannot always keep all of our balls up in the air, that is exhausting. As a follow up to my last post, for me, part of "living in the moment" is keeping my house clean enough that I can enjoy it and not be stressed, but not worrying about making it "perfect". We've lived here for 364 days and there is one (1) curtain hung (Carter's room). I still have a box I haven't unpacked. My bathroom is still not organized enough to be as functional as it should. I still have two crates full of pictures and wall art that need to find a home on the walls. I have bought things for projects that I haven't even started. 

BUT. My little guy is happy. We all have comfy beds to sleep in at night. We have food in the fridge. I can have the house ready for guests in about an hour. We love each other, love the Lord, and are loved by him in return. So everything else is just noise.