The Story of Carter (aka my battle with God for control)

Let me start with this.  Even with my months, no years of planning for this child, he was still a complete surprise.  Which I think is the way God likes it!

Ok I’ll rewind a bit.  In college I lived with 3 amazing girls and 3 of us got engaged within 6 weeks of each other, and got married within 7 weeks of each other.  And everyone’s money was on me to get pregnant within the first year.  And had I been a less responsible, obsessive planner type, it definitely would have happened.  Because above all else I have wanted to be a mom my whole life (and Louis feels the same about being a dad).  But we lived in Abilene for a few months while Louis finished school and had $0, and then moved to Dallas and Louis started his career and it didn't take too long to pay off our debt, but still we were married for 2 years before I had a full time job and was making actual money.  So our plans were delayed because I wanted to work for a certain amount of time (2-3 years) and have a certain amount of debt (0) and savings (as much as possible) before we brought a baby into the world.

Fast forward to Fall 2010.  I’ve just started teaching but I can see that a baby is now nearer to a possibility so I began talking to my endocrinologist about what that would take.  And in order to get his permission (yes permission), I had to have an A1c close to or less than 6.5 (average blood sugar of 150 or less).  So Summer 2011 I got the fancy glucose sensor, and got off the pill and at some point early that fall, the doc said, “it could be better but if you were pregnant right now it wouldn’t be bad”.  Which I heard as “GO!”, so we started trying.  But it wasn’t that easy since my cycle is super affected by stress, which I was because of school, and then even more so by the fact that getting pregnant wasn’t as easy as “16 & Pregnant” made it seem.  

Fast forward to March/Spring Break 2012.  I go to the ob/gyn and show her my charting and temp taking and what a mess this baby making was for us.  She agrees that it shouldn’t be this difficult for me, and she was going to run blood work, and barring anything coming up weird, start me on clomid.  If clomid didn’t do the trick for us within a couple of months, she was going to send me to a reproductive endocrinologist (with my diabetes she wasn’t going to mess around).  First off I had to get my current cycle to end (at this point 6 weeks long) & a new one to start, so she put me on progesterone to kick start it.  I did my research on both drugs, and found good info.  One thing that I read that stuck with me is someone who said that back in the day, if you took progesterone and got your period, then you weren’t pregnant, and if you took it and still didn’t get it, then you must be pregnant.  Sort of a weird pregnancy test.  Anyway, after confirming that my blood work looked normal and I still had not ovulated as of that Monday afternoon at the doctor’s, I started the progesterone, with the expectation of getting my period in 8-12 days.  8…9…10…11…12 days pass.  And nothing.  And I remember what I read.  And told Louis to go fish around in the bathroom and find a test.  And I laughed when it said “pregnant”.  Laughed.  Like Sarah.  We should have named this kid Isaac.

After all the trouble I went through- tried to make a plan, control the situation, and do it my way, God said nope, “I got this”.  Which he always does.  April of sophomore year of college?  I decided to stop worrying about never having a boyfriend and aim for Vanderbilt, where I could specialize in voice disorders.  (A very wise roommate told me that God would not have put the desire to be a wife and mother on my heart if he didn’t intend to make it so, something that has stuck with me for 6 years!)  May of that year I randomly applied and got a job at Chili's (which is SO out of my character to do something spontaneous and potentially scary) and met Louis, a boy whom I soon realized I couldn’t leave for Tennessee!  And my plan changed.  For the better.  And the same with baby boy.  And the doc can’t explain how it happened either.  On every sonogram I’ve had but one (so 5/6) he has measured the same, due on 12/3, which a predicted conception date of Monday, 3/12… the day I went to the ob/gyn to complain and figure out a plan.  The day I had bloodwork done that said I wasn’t ovulating.  What?!

I sometimes complain to myself or Louis that I don’t understand God, I don’t get why He and I can’t be on the same page about somethings, about how I don’t understand how some people never seem to be challenged and others are constantly being challenged and I’m somewhere in the middle (14 years of diabetes makes me a little bitter but still aware that I have it pretty darn good).  BUT then I look at my husband, and down at my belly which is stretching the buttons on this shirt, and think about my family, and even my sweet puppy dog, and my church family, and the job that has taught me more things than lessons  I taught, and I am so glad that God and I aren’t on the same page.  Can you imagine what your life would be like if you had planned it?  Would it be as good?  Mine wouldn’t!  I might have more money and a bigger closet but it would be lacking in so much else.  And those challenges?  I am thankful for those too, because although situations have not always come out like I wanted, I have learned from every single thing.  I hope that if you are challenged you accept that God is strengthening and molding you, and if you aren’t challenged, that you try to learn from others!  (And let’s be honest, there is always somebody who is “worse off”, so we all have a lesson to learn.)  And I hope that if you are like me, and struggling with God for control of your life, you allow him to take the reins a little more, because it is a much more scenic ride when he does!