I am now at the end of the hardest month of my life thus far. Hmm. Am I "better" than I was 30 days ago? Yes. Am I good? Far from it. Last weekend at my sister's wedding someone who knew I was pregnant asked me how the baby was & as casually as I could I said "no more baby". And even though I said it lightly, I think it physically cracked my heart a little more. (I have a list in my head of the few people who knew I was pregnant and the ones I'm not Facebook friends with scare me the most right now, it's hard to see them & know the conversation that is inevitable.)
The biggest struggle I have right now is church. I thought it would be being around the people, but I think it's actually God. He and I are just not in the same place that we were in a month ago. It's really hard to sing (my best method of communication with Him) or pray right now. In fact it's downright impossible. I've only prayed once. The rest of the time I zone out and think of something else. Before Kara's wedding one of her oldest and dearest friends prayed over her and that was the first and only time I've engaged in a prayer. I cried through the whole thing, in part because I cry more than anyone I know and that was a totally appropriate emotionally charged moment, but also because I realized part of why I've felt so alone is because I put up so big a wall that even God was on the outside and letting him back in is painful.
I heard a song in the car the other day that I've heard dozens of times but this time the words were like an arrow to my heart.
Life gets tough, and times get hard
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies
It's hard to find the truth in all the lies
If you're tired of wondering why
Your heart isn't healing
And nothing feels like home
Cause you're lost and alone just screaming at the sky
When you don't know what to say
Just say Jesus
There is power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won't come
Cause you're to afraid to pray
Just say Jesus
Whisper it now, or shout it out
However it comes out, He hears your cry
Out of nowhere He will come, you got to believe it
He will rescue you
Just call out to the Way, The Truth, The Light
Wow. Have you ever had that experience? Re-heard a song at the perfect time and it was so much more impactful (I think I made that word up) than it had been any other time? I almost had to pull the car over. So I'm working on saying Jesus, and then a few more words, and then a few more, until I can make it through a prayer, and then a church service. Not sure how long that will take, so I can't promise when you'll see me back at church, but I'm working on it.
Let's end with some positive thoughts:
-I talked with my doc about a lot of things. One thing he said really struck a chord with me. He strongly believes that God puts the right baby in a family. So not to say that this baby would have been the wrong one, but the one we get will be the perfect baby for us. The perfect sibling for Carter and the perfect son or daughter for Louis and I. I like this mindset. (On a doc related note, we don't have the genetic testing back yet so we don't know that info yet, but I am getting bloodwork done today that will make sure I'm healthy in a couple of related ways. And he agreed we can look at trying again in June instead of July.)
-a sweet friend told me yesterday that she realized that during her journey toward motherhood she had been focused on herself, and why the timing wasn't what she wanted. Later she realized the whole thing had been more about having the perfect timing for her girls and not for her. I also like this mindset.
-I have connected in a HUGE way to two friends who have both had their struggles in becoming mothers. Such a blessing to have people you can be frighteningly real with and know they are with you in your place of brokenness and not judging you.
-also, we have seen the return of diet coke to our fridge. I've been drinking caffeine free since October and decided to get the real deal at the store this week. It's silly, but I'm going to enjoy it for a month before I go back to water and the occasional diet caffeine free coke (aka flavored colored water). You may not think this is list-worthy, but if you know me well you know my love affair with diet coke.
-last week was National Infertility Awareness Week... Now on another post I can tell you all about why I don't consider myself infertile (I'm more fertile-ish, and I say it that way out of respect to women who really struggle to conceive), but I like the idea of bringing attention to all the complexities of fertility issues. I also LOVED this list that they released. I personally have been on the receiving end of several of these and it's not helpful. In fact, it's usually hurtful.
-not only have I had so many great moments with friends, I have tried to focus on Carter this month and have had great moments with him. I also have loved being at Sunshine School with those precious kiddos. And celebrating my brilliant husbands achievements (you can now call him Louis Palacios Jr., ASA, EA, MAAA). And gearing up for the ChristianWorks auction in the fall. And most importantly, the best middle sister I've ever had got MARRIED! It was a flipping awesome wedding! And she is happy happy happy, so I'm happy. If you need a set-up, let me know, I have a 100% success rate!
There is probably more to say, but I'll finish up for now. Thanks for reading.
Hi Dana,
ReplyDeleteI haven't been following any blogs for awhile and was updating my feedly and was happy to see recent posts from you. I just wanted to reach out in your time of grieve and hard times, and let you know my thoughts are with you. I cannot imagine what you're going through but I wanted you to know I think dearly of you. Your honesty and openness is so brave to share. Love you and miss you!