Blueberry

This week we had our first appointment and first ultrasound and got to see our little blueberry! It doesn't look like much right now, but doc says everything looks as good as it possibly could right now, and he was pleased to see the heartbeat. He said the odds of success are about 80-85% at this point. He also reminded me that even with our history, thanks to knowing exactly what went wrong the last time, he doesn't have any more expectations of trouble than he would with any other person. We'll go back in about 10 days and check in again, at which we'll be at 90-95%. I'm pretty sure I'm going to make it so we go every 10-14 days until we hit 12 weeks, just so I can feel as comfortable as I can.

I told my counselor this week that I'm feeling very bipolar. Not literally, but it's as if the logical and emotional, positive and negative, best- and worst-case scenario, certain and uncertain halves of me are battling it out. I go from one side to the other constantly. I felt really excited for my appointment this week, until I got there, at which point I was pretty sure there wasn't going to be anything to see. Last Wednesday I felt great, not pregnant at all, so I was pretty sure something was wrong (though sickness everyday this week says I'm still pregnant). Part of me says, last time we just had bad luck, one of those things that happens frequently but shouldnt re-occur, but the other part says that there are a million ways that the delicate process of genetics can go wrong, and we could have more bad luck. It's a weird spot to be in. And since I've told everyone at school (who have been awesome) they are all excited for me, and are sweet enough to check in and see how I'm feeling or whatever. But I'm not 100% excited. I'm maybe 60/40 excited/scared. I am hoping, that in 2 1/2 weeks, making it past the point where we lost baby girl, will reduce that a lot further. 

There was SO MUCH JOY in my pregnancy with Carter. Partly because of the long months to get pregnant with him, and partly because of a deep sense of fulfillment. I have said before that I did not really care what happened to me because I was GROWING A BABY. And although I was quietly uneasy a lot in the spring, we were still overjoyed. But this time, even though I know now even more certainly how special this gift is, the joy is overshadowed a lot by fear. And I know where that fear comes from (you know who). I know who can take it away, even though it is very logical and He understands. But I'm still having trouble 1) giving it up or 2) even speaking that personally to Him. My prayers are mostly wordless. Feelings, general thoughts, a few "You know what I need and please take care of this baby and the mess that is currently it's mother".

I'm debating telling a few close friends (besides the 1 who has known since day 1), who not only have been so amazing these last 6 months (well, and several years), but who I know will pray fervently for me while I still don't have the words. Girls who know the pain I have been through and the complicatedness of my feelings with this baby. Girls who will happily share in the joy and will be there for me in the event of any other problems. Sharing will probably happen, even though I'm not exactly certain how. Bringing it up feels weird. The words feel weird in my mouth. I'm not sure why I'm struggling - it was all I could do to keep it inside with Carter.

I'm also debating when to tell the general public. It might happen at 10 weeks, after I feel like we're in the safe zone. Or maybe I can make it a little longer. I feel silly waiting when I know the whole story will be posted on here regardless. 

Side note: I was a little peeved when I saw the Duggar girl (whose name I can't remember because I don't actually watch the show) announced her pregnancy very early. "Doesn't she realize what can happen?" "Don't they know how special that is, and it shouldn't be People.com material?" "Do they have any respect for people who don't get pregnant the first month of trying?" But since, I have read more, and have calmed down ;) I like their stance. A baby IS special even from day one. And if something does happen (heaven forbid) they can open up about it like other "celebrities" have who I admired for that. I'm still not sure that this family should be so quick to call People, but who knows if they do that in an attempt to battle the gossip hounds and keep rumors at bay. I'll try not to judge. ;)

Anyway, my homework from counseling this week is to find a way to bond with this baby, in a way that feels comfortable to me (which is because I expressed worry that my mostly unsuccessful attempts at detachment would be hurtful later on). Like hurtful to myself- I don't want to get to a certain point and realize I have tried so hard to keep my heart safe through purposeful denial that now I hardly have an emotional response to this child growing inside me. Is that a little over dramatic? Oh I'm sure. I've already realized that I'm not really that detached- sobbing AFTER my appointment on Wednesday was indicative of how much anxiety and emotion was built up and hinging on a good outcome. I've already made all sorts of plans. I have a maternity dress for Macy's wedding. At Halloween I'm not dressing up in anything preggo related and instead I think we'll be Jake, Izzie, and Cubby of the Neverland Pirates. I'm expecting to miss the last 4-5 weeks of school. After our family's trip to Port Aransas last weekend we were talking about getting a cabin in Colorado next summer and I realized traveling (driving or flying) with two kids will be probably the least fun thing ever. (Maybe Carter can ride in a different car!?) I've been kind of looking at names. I will know in about 3 weeks if it's a boy or girl and was glad to see that there's a JBF sale after that so I can start grabbing a few things, since regardless of gender this kiddo is in the opposite season C was born in. 

Anyway. Looking for ways to bond. Another letter? Maybe? Maybe we'll start taking "belly" pics next week, since there really hasn't been much to see yet (and still at this point it's just bloat) so maybe that will help. I really feel like I will be whole new person in 3-5 weeks. I will know the gender, have heard the heartbeat, had another 2-4 ultrasounds, and will be in the 95-98% success zone, and hopefully can relax a little!

Next: What you don't get