Broken

I can barely stand right now.

Everything is crashing down,

And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.

I don't always know what to say,

But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,

I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.

On my knees, I call Your name.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,

I raise these empty hands to You.

Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.

You know the story of every tear.

‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.

Let me always sing Hallelujah

When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased

Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing

Here's my broken hallelujah.

"Broken Hallelujah" by The Afters (shortened by me)

This has been one of those days. I can't really put my finger on it. I haven't felt like myself for what seems like an eternity. Little things happen here and there. And suddenly, I'm screaming at the dog because she chewed up my new black heel, that I just bought to replace the last pair of black heels she chewed on. (Griffey, never Sadie) (And it sounds like she does this frequently but in one year she has damaged 5 shoes [not pairs] to varying extents, so I never think to puppy proof & then she catches me off guard.)

And I broke down. Sat on the couch and sobbed while Carter & Sadie stared. What?! Over a shoe?! And I have probably 6 other pairs of black heels in varying heights and fabrications, just not strappy summery ones, but summer is over so who even cares? 

And then my response was to immediately be furious at anyone who is happy right now. Because that definitely makes sense. And I deleted Facebook off my phone. (Which is never a bad thing, but still slightly irrational.) 

I'm wallowing in self-pity and confusion and doubt and fear. And I hate it. It's one of those days I'm irate that Eve was such an idiot. We could be in freaking Eden, walking with God, happily naked as a newborn, and enjoying this paradise God created for us. But instead my heart aches for the little girl we lost. And every other child who was taken too soon. And every incredible person who gets sick. And every good person whose dreams & plans get derailed by this uncontrollable, sinful world we live in. And I'm mad that there are "bad" people in the world that hurt other people. And still get good things. Today I wouldn't be sad to learn that Dante's hell is how it really works. 

I took a nap but woke up still frustrated. I'm trying to move on. To give it up. This is a battle I'm not winning. The world will never involve a pair of scales that keep things fair and balanced. Anger will get me nowhere. God DOES have a plan. One day I won't hurt as badly. I won't want to move away and start over. But today I'm broken. And trying to still sing my hallelujahs. 

Sidenote: I've read & reread this several times, and I don't want this to come off as complaining or a cry for attention or pity. Just an invitation- if you're hurting, I'm here with you. I can pray for you, & would love for you to pray for me. This is me, the good, and right now mostly the bad & ugly. I don't think it's necessary or healthy to hide or gloss over stuff like this. If you're reading this, you're either part of my "community" or possibly a creepy stalker. And communities exist for times like this. As much as I'd like to keep this inside & withdraw until I'm less messy inside, that's not what's best. So bare with me while I stumble & hopefully soon my posts will be a lot sunnier. :)