Ouch

A couple of weeks ago I got a package in the mail from someplace in California, and not expecting deliveries I ripped it open, eager to see what it was. "From Pea to Pumpkin: A Pregnancy Journal" Ouch. Forgot about that. (Side note, it had been over a month since I ordered it- why so long?!) I opened it up for a minute and then closed it and walked it upstairs to the bookshelf. 

Today I got an email from Ovia, which is a pregnancy app I used, but deleted long ago. (I'm uncertain why this is the only email I've gotten?) But this email joyfully announced that I was 20 weeks, 4 days, and could potentially be suffering from back pain as my body is growing and stretching, but as I'm now definitely feeling baby's flips and kicks, I should feel good about being past the halfway point. Ouch. And wow. 20 weeks? Not only would I now be 18-19 weeks away from meeting our baby, but that means at this point I haven't been pregnant longer than I was (clear as mud?). Its CRAZY how little time it takes to fall in love with a little alien-like bean and make plans and dreams for them, and how long it takes to get past the loss. Though the last 10 weeks have gone much faster than I thought they would. Now we're at the point of starting this process again, and I have a lot of mixed emotions. Sadness still, anger definitely (though my counselor told me anger is a secondary emotion), frustration, confusion, anxiety. But also excitement and hope. 

And HOPEfully we will have good news to share soon. Since this is all out in the open, know that we will share as soon as we feel comfortable. I LOVE having people check in with me. LOVE having friends tell me they're thinking of me, praying for me. LOVE the support we've received. But just know that I need to keep this process close to the vest for a little while, so "how are you doing?" or "praying for you" or "thinking of you" are preferred questions/comments to "how's the fertility stuff going?" ;) I'm not a good liar, pretty horrible about hiding my emotions when it's something this big, and when I have a good secret it's hard to not share (just with respect to myself, I can assure you I keep other's secrets just fine)! So if you ask me directly, I'll either be forced to be falsely positive about it, lie, or spill my guts, whether they're happy or sad, and I would rather not do any of those things! 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend so far! Louis let me edge the yard, so I'm feeling like a boss ;) Now we have to clean house to get ready for Mimi & Papi & Uncle D to come tomorrow! And Happy Fathers Day tomorrow! I'm excited to spend it with all three of the dads in my life, and I hope it's a good day for everyone, in some way.