It's Not Right, Nor Is It Okay

Yesterday I wrote a very angry blog post. Luckily I didn't finish and slept on it and edited it a LOT before posting today...

On Friday I got a call that the pathology report finally came back and said our baby had a chromosomal problem. No specifics. Probably just a bad luck kind of thing, but we are still seeing a genetic counselor in a few weeks. (Which is ironic because the test I took in high school to help suggest careers based on my interests and personality put genetic counselor at the top of my list of recommendations.) This is good news because in all likelihood this isn't a problem we'll have every time, and reassures us that this was not something we did or didn't do. But I still feel like this is all my fault. 

Louis doesn't have any problems that we know of (and let's be honest, the Mexican & Catholic pieces of him pretty much guarantee he's fertile) ;) I haven't used a single contraceptive in 3 years... If I was as fertile as some of our friends we'd have 4 children by now. Instead I am fighting, doing everything in my power to conceive, and it still isn't enough. (This is where my control and trust issues really come into play.) It is my fault "the plan" isn't coming to fruition. It is my fault that our nursery will stay empty for now. It is my fault the infant carrier and double stroller will collect more dust. What's happened to us, what we've gone through isn't right. It isn't ok. And I have to come to terms with that being the way the world works. God's people aren't guaranteed a earthly existence of sunshine and unicorns and smiles. Our reward comes later. 

And I know that. The very logical "left brained" part of me is aware of all of the facts and the reality. I know that the goodness of my life on earth will pale in comparison to the greatness of eternity in Heaven. I know that my anxieties and sadness about our troubles with growing our family pale in comparison to the anxieties and sadness many other people experience daily. I know that we are healthy, we are blessed with amazing family and friends, with a beautiful life. Unfortunately the realistic part of me also knows all the statistics about secondary infertility. That part of me knows how often women who already have a child struggle to have a second, and how many of those never succeed. And that part also knows what our bank account looks like and knows that we don't have tens of thousands of dollars to adopt two or three kids. 

The realistic part of me also knows I could easily get pregnant on clomid two or three more times and carry to term and never have another loss. 

But the emotional part of me has a very "why them and not me attitude". Every single day there is a story in the news of a parent who screwed up royally. Who hurt their children. Who neglected them or put them in danger. Why did those people reproduce so easily and I can't? I promise not to smoke pcp laced weed or leave my machete around. So why not us? We will raise our kids up to respect other people, obey the law, and love the Lord. So why not us? It's not a question I'll ever get an answer to. And I'm working on being ok with that. 

I'll leave you with some pictures that very few people have ever seen, but that are forever etched in my memory. 

First photo at 6 weeks.

8 weeks

What 10 lbs of animal crackers and bloat looked like (still working on getting rid of those pounds!)

 

Carter hanging out with Griffey when we told my family. 

The picture we took for Facebook :)